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psychlady
psychlady, Counselor
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 6886
Experience:  I have over 16 years experience in treating adults presenting with a variety of relationship issues
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I have been dating a girl for a little over a year off and

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I have been dating a girl for a little over a year off and on, who I have been friends with 20 years, she lost her husband 3 years ago to a Lou Gerig's disease. We go in a cycle, we have a great relationship for a while and then she starts pushing me away, talking about her husband and how much she misses him etc. Which I have always been there for her about that. I have to tell you, I did everything to be there for her and her two children, which she will acknowledge to everyone. We have been split up for a month this time and I left her alone as she was really struggling about her husbsnd, she recently sent me an email saying how wonderful I was and how sorry she was, I returned an email how supportive I was and how I love her and wanting her to find herself etc. She is going to counseling tomorrow, which I told her I thought was great. We do care for each other greatly, I guess my question is how should I handle this, be there for her or let her take this journey without me, I know that she has to do this on her own in a sense but I miss her and want to be with her, I realize that that she must come to peace with what has happened to her on her own but I want to help her and not be a hinderance. How should I handle this.
Submitted: 3 years ago.
Category: Relationship
Expert:  psychlady replied 3 years ago.
It sounds like she has unresolved grief and that can be successfully dealt with in counseling. I would give her a brief period of time so that her emotions can be dealt with in therapeutic setting but then offer your love and support. She will be grateful and won't feel like she is battling these emotions on her own. In the meantime, encourage her participation in this setting. Your efforts will not be forgotten. She is lucky to have found 2 great guys. Try to be as considerate as possible through this early phase. She will most likely reach out to you
Customer: replied 3 years ago.
Thank you for your answer, while I tend to agree with your answer and I know what grief is to an extent. Could you maybe explain to me how grief works so can understand a little better how to handle this. My first priority is to be there for as I think she needs me and I care for her deeply. But my emotions are working in this also, and I must take of me also, so that I can be there for her. In other words maybe put me in her shoes so can have a better understanding of her state of mind.
Expert:  psychlady replied 3 years ago.
There are stages to grief. One of which is bargaining or the thought "why him and not me" for instance. If you research the phases of grief, this would really help you understand her and how to help because you can apply them to her and your relationship. It is very difficult to lose someone that young. Because she is grieving does not mean that you couldn't take a valuable role in that. It can help show you where you may fit in. you can then target the needs that she has. you can be her support system and take a shoulder to cry on role. There is no one right way to handle this but you can have the best chance by educating yourself. She may very well need you right now
Customer: replied 3 years ago.
Thank you for your answers, I have looked up grief and tried to educate myself. I sent her a text early last night saying good luck in counseling for today and told her I am here if she needs me and that I am thinking about her. A few hours later she texted me back thanking me asking how I was and how she was concerned about how I feel about her, how she respects me, and how she doesn't take our relationship lightly.One thing led to another and I ended up at her house late at night. She wanted me to come over and said it doesn't change our situation but wanted to see me. On my way over I thought this might not be a great idea but I haven't seen her in a month and I miss her so I went. It was very loving and intimate, after we made love we talked for over an hour, small talk to serious stuff, we held each other the whole time. She asked me why I do the things I do for her because she was so messed up. I replied because I love her of my own free will and that she didn't owe me anything for that, I also told her repeatadly that I was not worried about us as a couple that I worried about focusing on her needs as right now she has some searching to do to be at peace with herself about things that have happened to her in her life. The time was very wonderful and loving, she seemed to be relaxed and loving until toward the end when I asked how the children were, she said they were great, I said how I missed them her reaction was "you do?" very sweetly, I said yes I do, after that I could tell that she started to worry, as she definifitly worries and can have anxiety attacks, I tried to tell her not to worry about anything. I am here for her. One of the kids started crying so she put him back to sleep and we said our goodbye's. By the way, you can tell alot I think by kisses, and the kisses were very soft and slow. She said she would be in touch.I know thats alot of information to ask, while we both want and probably need to touch each other, how should I deal with her right now in a loving way but don't want her to start worrying about us when she should be focused on her. I think it might confuse her to an extent.
Expert:  psychlady replied 3 years ago.
The best way is with loving consistency. Women like this even on better terms. They know you are loving, dependable and solid. She will love you so much in the end and look back on this fondly. Always be open to address the issues as she see them. It sounds like you are on a very difficult but loving journey. It wouldn't surprise me if she remembers this indefinitely and has a special place in your heart for her and her pain. Confusion will be minimized by open discussion and assurances that she is not messed up.
Customer: replied 3 years ago.
As we have discussed this situation, I am learning more and more everyday. I thought about last night quite a bit today. I am assuming that she went to her counseling session today. I have not heard from her today, which I don't know if that is a good sign or not. I know that it is her decision on when or how for me to be there for her, you have mentioned earlier to give her a brief period of time to deal with her emotions in a therapeutic setting. she obviously knows I'm here if she needs me, I know all cases are different, but how long should I give her time to deal with this on her own? Should I contact her or should I wait to hear from her? It's almost a catch22, she knows that I love her and would do anything for her and be there for her, but at the end of the day, the reason she is going to counseling is to deal with the greif of losing her husband and I might be the person that is taking his place. definitely a odd place to be, I am the person who cares about her the most and I just want to help her but I am a little confused on when that should be.
Expert:  psychlady replied 3 years ago.
I don't think there is a time frame, but given her about a week and then ask her how she is going. If you don't come on to strong, you can give her guidance along the way. The key is not to push the relationship issue to hard. Let her counseling sink in and then ask her if she's okay. Also don't overanalyze the taking his place issue either. She can resolve that with her therapist.
psychlady, Counselor
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 6886
Experience: I have over 16 years experience in treating adults presenting with a variety of relationship issues
psychlady and other Relationship Specialists are ready to help you
Customer: replied 3 years ago.
We talked last night on the phone for a while. She brought up a couple days ago about a concert we were supopsed to go to and asked me my thoughts on still going, we both thought about it and both decided that even though we still wanted to go that we souldn't as we didn't want to start our cycle back in motion that she needed to continue counseling and fiding herself, and the fact that we have a very close group of friends that would give their two cents from every angle, which we didn;t want. I agreed. We talked about our relationship from almost every angle. The conclusion was in a nutshell that we care deeply for each other and she does know with out a doubt that I am here for her anytime she needs me. But she is going to see what's going on with her through counseling. The question is we are starting to text and talk a little more and more, we are also kidding around but talking about our next sexual encounter as early as tonight. Even though we both love being each that way. I don't want it to cloud the situation, which I'm not sure that it would or not. I think both of us don't like not being in eah others lives. But at the end of the day I want the her to get herself in a happy place in her life first and foremost, but I also want what is the best chance for u ending up together as a couple. what woulb be the best wat to proceed with this?
Expert:  psychlady replied 3 years ago.
You seem to already be establishing a good connection with laughter and communication. If you want to be a couple start saying that you would like to return to being a couple but don't want to pressure her. She will see that you have good intentions but not giving her an ultimatum. You will have to chance what her interests are
Customer: replied 3 years ago.
I don't think we should be a couple yet, not that I don't want to, cause I do, but I think she needs to contiue to go to counseling and finding herself, which is what she wants to continue to do. Ifyou don't mind maybe reading our history if you haven't already,cause I do like your answers so far but not so sure about the last one.Basically our cycle goes like this, which we discussed last night. In not so many words, she comes back to me because she sees the good loving man that I am, who would do and have done anything I am supposed to do to make her and the kids happy, I'm not perfect but I do try, and all the positive things that come with it,I would also note that we have the chemistry and connection all the time. then like a dial on wall she slowly but surely turns it and it goes from all the good and positive things we are to the little negative things that we are not, basically runs away, and I think she is scared and rightfully so, to give all that love again as she is scared she will lose it again, so I do want her to understand herself through counceling as we both agree we would spilt up again until she accepts that is ok to truly love again and all that intails. But what should we do in the meantime is my question, Should contiue to talk whenever and have sexual encounters etc.I do want to be in contact with her to help her when and if she needs it, but I don't want to risk our goal which is hopefully for us to be together forever.
Expert:  psychlady replied 3 years ago.
Continue to maintain contact especially if she finds it comforting. The sex is a little more complicated. There's no harm if you both are clear on what the expectations are. If you can do that and still take your time becoming a couple that's fine. I totally agree that she should continue counseling. If you can date during that period, there's nothing wrong with that.
Customer: replied 3 years ago.
We spent Thursday night together as the children are at the granparents. I spent the night at her house. We talked for over an hour when I first got there talking and kidding around. She made the comment asking if we thought we could just be with each other without sleeping with each, I said sure let's try that, 10 minutes later she starting kissing me etc.when we got done making love we discussed if I should stay the whole night, I said that I totally didn;t have to but I wanted to she agreed but worried as she does. In the middle of the night she jumped up out of dead sleep. I asked her if she was ok she said yes, I reasured her that I could go home if she wanted and said absolutlely no that she wanted me to stay so did. Great night, then friday we texted back and forth all day and night, I have been helping some friends remodle there house free of charge and she said how much of a good man I am etc. for doing that. then yetesrday I did not hear fro her at all, It's ok that I didn't but there is no consistency with her at all, we are not dating and you know the history of what she is dealing with but how should I handle this?
Expert:  psychlady replied 3 years ago.
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Customer: replied 3 years ago.
Putting up with it cause of what she is going through?
Expert:  psychlady replied 3 years ago.
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Customer: replied 3 years ago.
I agree in theory to the advice that you have given me up til now. From where I am sitting I know she is back and forth with everything in her life not only me. She has been staying home and spending more time with her kids, working out, going to counceling, tomorrow is her second session, going back to church etc. I got her a card and some flowers for valentine's day which I am supposed to give her tonight as we couln't see each other yesterday. I will always be there for her if she needs me but.I would ask you what is my best play to have the best chance of one day for us ending up together? Should I make my self less available as I probably couldn't be more available to her right now? I think if I am always available I might be kind of a crutch. and she doesnt have a chance to miss me and to reflect on what we had etc.I hate to play kind of a game with her but I honestly do want to be with her for the long haul. Not to mension I need to take care of me too. She is definitely having her cake and eating it too right now, I will always help her with her journey to get through this but you get what i'm saying I'm sure. Bacically how can I get her to want me more in that sense? Or should I just wait it out?
Expert:  psychlady replied 3 years ago.
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Customer: replied 3 years ago.
That answer is brutally honest. But I couldn't agree more. The people that surround me try to protect me by saying be less available etc., but at the end of the day I am doing what I feel is best, mistakes and all. The bottom line is she is having a tough time grieving and I love her so I am trying my best to be there for her without being a hinderance. But I do miss her. I guess I just have to separate my self from the outcome and be a good man for her as that is the way I have always felt. Thank you for your advice, I think I needed an unbias opinion. Is there aything you might add to maybe help me on this journey with her?
Expert:  psychlady replied 3 years ago.
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