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Ask Dr. Shirley Schaye Your Own Question

Dr. Shirley Schaye
Dr. Shirley Schaye, Doctor
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 1673
Experience:  PhD-Psych; Certif. Psychoanalyst NPAP& NYFS; Memb.APsaA;IPA; Pub.Author; Teach/Supervise Therapy
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Hello, Thank you ahead of time for your input..

Resolved Question:

Hello,
Thank you ahead of time for your input..

I am a 43 year old attractive, articulate woman with no kids. I met a man a few months ago to whom we hit it off from date 1, had a blast.Being single a long time, and dating alot over the years, this was the first man who who shared with me so many things in common, like us both being southerners, faith, ...and values. however he is opposite my personality,in that he is quiet, methodical ..etc..At the time we met he was @ the tail end,.of s # XXXXX divorce... [with a teenage son ]... finalized yesterday.

After we began dating,..it became the norm for every FIDAY. nite..
about the fourth or fifth week,on our date.. I casually asked how long he had been divorced,..which he was hesitant to say ....but did @ ....3 mos...
This was a concern for me.., knowing that wasn't very long..at least it didnt seem to me for a guy married 14 years,but also know men for the most part get out there sooner than women post DIVORCE.

I had PULLED BACK on seeing each other except for Saturday nights only..because I felt a little pressured..in wanting to get together during the week for lunch, dinner since I know it is a no no to to get involved too fast.. I said I wanted to take things nice and slow.. etc..
even @ his insistence to see more of each other during the week, I held my ground...but decided to do a little snooping.. I googled our clerk of courts site,in my town and saw right there his divorce was not finalized, but was to be early January. This was late Dec.I was angry and hurt about his dishonesty. Some people have no problems dating while separated or going through divorce, but I do...

I confronted him, and asked why he was dishonest with me..H e said "I am divorced" just as much so....The relationship is over..done.". Not any chance of getting back together because the wife had cheated on him, despised him,,,left him and son for another man in another state, and yelled cruel abuse on the way out the door.My intuition told me. he was right about that part, I KNEW HE HAD A GENTLENESS ABOUT HIM..and wasn't his nature to be hurtful or mean....but I did make him accountable about not disclosing the ENTIRE facts beforehand to me.
I wanted to break things off right then,..[oh yes, by the way..I have some committment issues ..am very independant]..but wanted to do this one right..taking it slow made good sense.
We had made New Years plans already,..and he begged me to not cancel on him. I was finally lenient seeing the final divorce date was early Jan .He kept asking me not to give up on him..he was clearly crazy about me...more so than I was about him,..or so I thought.

W e spent New Years together,..and I was excited knowing the final court date was in a few days, for him to be a free man!

At this time,I also told him I cared about what was happening in his life but was not fair to me, to get drawn into his problems,..and didnt like it when he made little comments relating to the ex. [ seepage I thought from from the whole thing]..I ask him to stop making them or talking about the divorce at all,[however I will say..only because I wanted to know the scoop, I had probed at times for answers too] He agreed and said I would never have to worry about that again.. I met his son, which I was hesitant at first.
.
The divorce date came,..and no call ....I was at work,.but knew court was that morning..I felt a gut wrenching feeling of fear in my belly...I called him @ work, to which he was hesitant to call back. [ususally he will get right back to me]. Finally,after phone tagging he was vague, and I saw he didn't want to tell me everything. He knew even though we werent discussing the issue outwardly,..it was a thorn in my side and important to know.
He had contested the financial agreement,..which would take longer now.. I felt disappointed again, and said I could no longer date him because he was still legally married. I knew this could go on and on..and didn't want to get hurt...

I also said I understood why he as doing that,[since she was the instigator by adultery he had the right to fight for what was his]..butthat wasn't where I wanted to be.
He told me over and over the divorce was to finalized early January. That is all I knew.plus, I didnt want to be .the rebound person,..
.. I twas angry he hadnt come forward and told me,.. so right on the phone..I said him he had too much baggage...it was all too much...and hung up.
A week later,I was a mess..sent him an email saying I did care about he and his son,..and wanted him to know I was thinking and praying for him. He texted me back later, saying he was by his "LONESOME"..
I didn't respond till the next day..telling him I was going up north to see friends,..which he replied back..he hoped to see me on my return..
I have thought about him every day,..& realize I was falling in love with him . While I sent him a couple of emails,..upbeat , encouraging messages..saying to hang in there, this wouldn't last forever..he always responded, but never initiated contact from then on.
I was truly looking forward to us getting together to talk,. when I got back from travels I phoned him to which he did not respond.. I though how weird that was being he had said only 2 weeks earlier he hoped to see me..Then I emailed him saying I called him, was back in town and would love to get together as he suggested...did he get my call?
He wrote back saying he and his son had moved backed into their house[when married to ex] the weekend before,and was more traumatic than he thought.He was putting dating on the back burner for now..

I replied [hurt but not wanting to show it] back saying I understood...as well as I hoped he didnt resent me for my response to him not getting divored...while empathizing with his circumstances,.., and I could see how hard that must be..and would be a friend to him, if he wished since we weren't dating anymore..
He replied then with " Thank you very much. Will be in touch" ..thats it....nothing more...That was over a week ago, and not a word. He seems really cold...I see now where the divorce did go through...but nothing from him...
..DO YOU THINK HE IS DONE WITH ME?? I need realistic , truthful advice. I can take it... ,.. Does it sound like he already hooked up with someone else? I really feel so many mixed feelings now..I was pretty hard on him when I ended things that day..
Regards,
Submitted: 3 years ago.
Category: Relationship
Expert:  Dr. Shirley Schaye replied 3 years ago.
Thank you for contacting Just Answer. You were the one to tell him it was over until he was divorced. Now he may still be living with his ex wife so, of course, he is going to stay away --- upon your request. So even if he is no longer living with his ex, you should call him and check things out. Remember, I'll say it again --- you pushed him away. So swallow your pride if you care about him. What have you got to lose? Call and find out.

I'll pause here and await your response.
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Customer: replied 3 years ago.
Thank you Dr.

I apologize for the length but that is why I went into such detail... he is not living with the ex wife AND HAS NOT BEEN. sHE MOVED AWAY AFTER FILING FOR DIVORCE TO BE WITH HER NEW LOVER..
now they are divorced, he and his son have moved back in the house,..[she is not there] they had shared together.
As I wrote I did contact him per phone, which he did not reply,.. however the week before he said he hoped to see me soon..upon my return from my trip. Then I wrote an email ,..he replied saying he has put dating on the back burner, as moving back in the home he shared with her has been traumatic..

When I then replied with I would be his friend,if he wanted me to be, to vent or just talk.. I would be since we arent dating anymore..is when he wrote back and said" thank you very much, WILL BE IN TOUCH'' BUT THAT WAS OVER A WEEK AGO,..AND NOTHING FROM HIM..
It seems he goes back and forth,. My question is,why would he say he wanted to see me,..then when I did contact him, he said he putting off dating.. ? Is this normal for a newly divorced man? thanks

Expert:  Dr. Shirley Schaye replied 3 years ago.
Oh, I see. Yes, sometimes when a divorce becomes a reality, it then traumatizes the person. If you have already tried talking to him there is nothing really that you can do. I'm sorry about that.
Dr. Shirley Schaye, Doctor
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 1673
Experience: PhD-Psych; Certif. Psychoanalyst NPAP& NYFS; Memb.APsaA;IPA; Pub.Author; Teach/Supervise Therapy
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