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psychlady
psychlady, Counselor
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 6892
Experience:  I have over 16 years experience in treating adults presenting with a variety of relationship issues
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Hello I have been married for twelve years. I have been having

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Hello I have been married for twelve years. I have been having trust issues with my wife. It got worse about 4 years ago when my wife started developing feelings for a friend of mine. We were going through hard times as a couple. Nothing physical happened and my wife believes I made too much of it even though she does admit she was wrong and misguided in some ways. She is thirteen years younger than me and was 21 when we first met. There have been minor flirtations with other men before but they were minor, more guys hitting on her and because(as she says) she is quite naive when it comes to men and less experienced than me doesn't know how to respond. I thought we were over the troubles of four years ago but probably due to quite a stressful time recently and us being apart more than usual my trust issues have reappeared. we have been arguing a lot, but we do talk constructively a lot as well. We both confirm that we love each other and are committed to sorting the problem and making our marriage work. I just find it really hard to trust her. I would be grateful for any advice.
Submitted: 6 years ago.
Category: Relationship
Expert:  psychlady replied 6 years ago.
Counseling can be quite effective in helping you find trust and it would also indicate how big a commitment she has to resolving these issues. I am concerned that her being "naive" is just an excuses to act inappropriate. Women learn from an early age all about flirting etc. Responses come about just from natural feelings in responding to this person. They aren't learned behaviors. If the relationship i secure,then there shouldn't be any situations that cause either of you to be insecure or act out sexually. I wouldn't treat this lightly either. However, if you are just overreacting or imagining things because of stress then that isn't fair to her either.
Customer: replied 6 years ago.
Hello, Nothing sexual has happened. I believe she is committed to resolving these problems. I'm not sure whether I'm overreacting or imagining things, It's difficult to objective. I have been divorced already and my ex wife did cheat on me toward the end. So that could effect my feelings, I try not to let it.
All these instances of doubt for me, in reality, have been very minor except for the incident with my friend 4 years ago and then nothing serious happened. She is clear that it would have gone no further even though she did have feelings for him.
She has had a difficult childhood with father leaving and stepfather who she loved died when she was 12. As a result she did live quite a sheltered childhood and has always got on better with men. She is aware that there is an imbalance here and is trying to resolve these issues for herself. Isn't a certain amount of flirting normal? She says she just feels flattered when men pay her attention.
Customer: replied 6 years ago.
Hello, Nothing sexual has happened. I believe she is committed to resolving these problems. I'm not sure whether I'm overreacting or imagining things, It's difficult to objective. I have been divorced already and my ex wife did cheat on me toward the end. So that could effect my feelings, I try not to let it.
All these instances of doubt for me, in reality, have been very minor except for the incident with my friend 4 years ago and then nothing serious happened. She is clear that it would have gone no further even though she did have feelings for him.
She has had a difficult childhood with father leaving and stepfather who she loved died when she was 12. As a result she did live quite a sheltered childhood and has always got on better with men. She is aware that there is an imbalance here and is trying to resolve these issues for herself. Isn't a certain amount of flirting normal? She says she just feels flattered when men pay her attention.
Expert:  psychlady replied 6 years ago.

Small amount of flirting is normal as long as no one is getting hurt and there is no sexual intentions behind it. It makes sense with her background that she wants attention (not in a bad way) and that is common with many women. The attention is both flattering and fulfills some sense of need for male interest. This can be very normal. Make ground rules that are fair and spare your feelings. Try also being mindful of the need for this, and make careful measures to feed her ego a little bit. She may improve a little if you help her feel special too. Try to not let your insecurities from previous experiences to color your relationship now

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