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psychlady
psychlady, Counselor
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 6886
Experience:  I have over 16 years experience in treating adults presenting with a variety of relationship issues
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I got a call from an ex b/f 4 days ago. Saw him about 3 months

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I got a very surprising call from an ex b/f 4 days ago. He asked me to meet him for a drink that evening. I agreed. I knew he had a g/f now from Facebook. I removed him as a "friend" as seeing the g/f photos bothered me. I fell hard for Kevin when we were together. He was awesome. We had fun doing things, cooking and sexually. He's more refind and I'm more of a country girl. When I met him at a b-day party for me at a club in 5/09, we connected immediately and intensly. I had a b/f from my past that returned from Brazil about three months after being with Kevin. My ex b/f, Jon, wanted me back and promised FOREVER. Jon was older and knew me better. I had a son. Jon had kids. Kevin was adopted by a wealthy family, married once long ago & has no kids. I was successful but am on disability. I ended things with Kevin as Jon felt "safer." on and I did not last. He went back to Brazil to work. I've had no contact with Kevin for over a year. When I saw Kevin he said he was nervous. Said I was still beautiful, stunning. Said I was always in his mind. Said he always misses me & thinks about me. He said my personality and laughter are contageous. He spoke of dinners, silly things we laughed about, a dress I wore, asked about my family...said he could only have one drink or he didn't trust himself around me. The connection is still intense. We discussed being friends & agreed we couldn't just be friends. I told him I was confused. Reminessing was nice; but I didn't realize he was still with g/f until he arrived and I asked. He was honest. Said he was still with her & had been for about a year. Said he didn't see it lasting. Said what he really liked in the beginning wasn't there anymore. I don't know why he asked to see me and tell me all those things. It took me a year to stop thinking about him and know I couldn't change my decision to end things. He said his legs were so heavy he could barely walk to his car when I ended things. Parts of the 2-3 hours together felt great and we laughed. It was also difficult because he is with someone else. He said he wasn't "doing anything" with me (sexually..) when I asked him how SHE would feel about him seeing me and the things he said. What I know of him is that he is honest and honorable. I wondered...is he feeling me out to see if I would want to try again if he becomes available? Is he "paying me back" for hurting him? (Although he could have done that long ago...and in a more cruel way if he wished.) I told him I was scared of my feelings for him when we were together. I think of contacting him by phone or e-mail but don't know what to say or if it would be appropriate. Do I leave it alone? Easier said than done but may be best? Things he said were so profound and genuine; but WHY did he do this while still with someone else? He said if I needed anything, he wanted me to know I could always call him. He fixed my car once when we were together...paid to have it done as I couldn't afford it. He was GREAT to me. I'm so confused and can't stop thinking of him. He is attractive but not drop dead gorgeous. His personality is awesome. I think he has had a lot of pretty girlfriends. He still can. I'll be 50 in May & he'll be 43 or 44 in Feb. No one has ever made me happier or treated me better than Kevin. Should I leave it alone? Wait and see if I ever hear from him again...hopefully single then? Should I tell him how I feel about him?
Submitted: 3 years ago.
Category: Relationship
Expert:  psychlady replied 3 years ago.
I always warn people about getting involved before the girlfriend is one because I fear that what he is doing to her he will do to you. I am also scared that you are his way out and you may get hurt later. If you took awhile to get over him and you go any further you will risk going through that all over again. You need to make sure his contact is genuine because you could get really hurt. So the question is - is it worth taking that chance. If the answer is yes, then go for it. Explain your feeling in your email. Not forever and a day feelings. Just - it was great seeing you again, it was really hard getting over you, it would be nice to see if we could work out. etc. If you think this is just too painful to imagine when it doesn't work out then leave it alone. He could be just not wanting to be alone if he breaks up with his girlfriend and you came to mind. I hope not
Customer: replied 3 years ago.

I agree that it is not in my best interest to get involved before the girlfriend is gone. I also fear that I could in essense be in "her" position in a year myself. I am not her...I do feel very confident that he cared deeply for me and I for him. However, I left him. I hurt him. Kevin can have any number of attractive and successful women and has had. So, I don't think he's afraid of being alone. You make a valid point in that I could "assist" him in having a reason to break up with her. I don't want to be that. I could also get deeply hurt again...even more than before. I have thought about that a lot. The stakes are high. While we were together, he did nothing wrong. No one has ever in my life treated me any better or made me feel more special. I think he sees a "genuineness" and "down to earth" quality about me that he rarely sees. I doubt if other women have left him. I think he's used to doing the breaking up. I wonder if he sees me as "more than I realistically am." Maybe his ego wants to prove to himself that he can have me? I truly believe a part of him sincerely XXXXX XXXXX wants me! That being said, there are still doubts about how it would be in the long run. I could get hurt badly! He is aware of my concerns. When I saw him, he asked how my Brazilian b/f was initially? He implied that he didn't know I wasn't in a relationship...but I believe he knew I wasn't. I didn't think he played games; but felt in part he did. I suppose that the botXXXXX XXXXXne is....he can't be mine while he belongs to someone else so I won't contact him. IF he should contact me later if they split...which I think they eventually will....and I'll eventually hear from him possibly, that would be more difficult because I wouldn't have her as an excuse. It would then be about what we shared, how special it was to both of us, and whether I am willing to take a risk. When we split before, I told him...He is younger, has more money, a great career, travels.....and that should we split, I believed it would be much harder for me to readjust over time than him. Age didn't matter to me in my 30's or early 40's because I looked younger than I was. I've held my age well! However, I'm almost 50. Going through menopause...my granddaughter is a priority! My mom is quite ill and has no one but me. Kevin being divorced many years and no children, hasn't ever had to "give of himself" in the way you do when you have kids. It can't be "explained" to someone that hasn't experienced it. Honestly, I felt a certain degree of manipulation during our visit as far as not noticing on FB that I am single...not recalling a heartfelt e-mail I sent a year ago wishing I hadn't left him. I think he was sincere in all he said and remembered about us. I do think I was very special to him and that he hasn't forgotten me & still thinks of me. I think once he and g/f split, he would like to "see how things would go" for us. I'm sure they would be literally heavenly for awhile...my concern is what happens after the new wears off? I am aging now...I can't just pick up and go on out of the country trips. he has stopped drinking pretty much and stopped smoking. He runs now and was always thin but stays in shape. due to disability and back surgery, I could be in "better" shape; but I have limitations. Your answer didn't give me closure but it validated some of my concerns.

 

Expert:  psychlady replied 3 years ago.

I know what you mean about the attraction to ex's but unfortunately it seems that if it doesn't work out you have a lot harder to fall. He probably still has genuine feelings, but be careful that his obligations don't surpass such feelings. When she leaves, you may try a trial run and see how it goes. You however have many obligations that are heartfelt too such as your grandchildren. Some of the attraction seems to be that he brings out qualities in you that make you happy. Just be careful to draw a line between slightly manipulative or just playful.

 

You never know the outcome of a relationship unless it is embarked upon. The cost of this relationship would have to be considered too. It is always possible that the relationship is flawed when the newness wheres off. So decide if taking the journey is worth it.

psychlady, Counselor
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 6886
Experience: I have over 16 years experience in treating adults presenting with a variety of relationship issues
psychlady and 2 other Relationship Specialists are ready to help you
Customer: replied 3 years ago.
I'm sorry but am not satisfied with paying $15.00 for this answer. I have been divorced almost 20 years. I rarely get back with "ex's." Kevin was unlike anyone I've dated in 19 years. I'm not sure what you meant by his obligations surpassing his feelings. You mentioned my grandchildren. I said I have a grandaughter...one grandchild. Yes, I do have obligations. Kevin does too but his are more work oriented than family. He is close with his family; but not having children is of concern to me. You didn't tell me anything I didn't already know and state. You "validated" some of my concerns.....in that respect, this was somewhat helpful; but not as detailed, precise or insightful as I had hoped for. Thanks anyway.
Customer: replied 3 years ago.
Relist: Answer quality.
While some of my concerns were validated, not much attention to detail was paid to what I said. No questions were asked for addt'l information for more insight.

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