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psychlady
psychlady, Counselor
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 6892
Experience:  I have over 16 years experience in treating adults presenting with a variety of relationship issues
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I am 29 yr old man in love with a 29 yr old lady. We are 4

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I am 29 yr old man in love with a 29 yr old lady. We are 4 yrs in the relationship. This is how it started: We were friends for sometime at the same workplace. I asked her out and she said NO. Another senior at the same workplace asked her out and she said YES, and they started going out in my eyes, coz i really loved the girl, it pained me. After about 3 months , the girl found out the senior was fooling her , he was already engaged to someone. After that, the girl came back to me, and I said YES, coz i felt i loved her and would opt to try out the relationship. In a short time in our relationship i left the workplace to go abroad and abt 2 months in the distance relationship, i found an email that she was planning to meet a 38 yr old divorced father of 2 (her sister's friend), she met this guy before i was in love with her. From the emails i saw, this guy was asking her out , but i was already her boyfriend (abt to cheat, planning a date). i found this and i was hurt so much, but i forgived her. My problem is , i have pain and hurts which come and go sometimes. 1. is i feel i was not her first choice, by her saying No and goin for another guy(senior)..it affects me because their 3 months relationship happened in my eyes. 2. after taking her back early in our relationship she was planning to meet this 38 yr old guy. i slept with her she was a virgin, which i appreciate. we love each other and have done things together, committiments and helping each other etc., my problem is these two pains that crops up in me, that i don't wat to do sometimes, it hurt me sometimes? we have talked abt these bad feelings in me, and she said she feels me, and she also regrets her action sincerely. she is a christian girl, she introduced me to friends and her pastor. But my worry is will this pain go away..i dont want to fool myself, i respect marriage, i have to enter it with informed decision. she is good girl but i feel i deserved a girl who cherishes me as number 1...please help. We are in a long distance relationship (2 years) as of now, planning to close the distance. Will my situation and pain someday, now sometimes feel headaches and stress coz of this past action. i know we love each other but she got a painful past wc happened in my eyes and still hurts..please help...sometimes we almost come to breaking...then we both feel desperate and feel difficult to say bye bye forever,and we again give it another try...but seems we are also goin in circles on this one. is it better to break and i find another girl?..i am scared this pain may haunt me for life even though i love this girl, coz its now 4 yrs and the pain come and go...please help
Please help?
Submitted: 5 years ago.
Category: Relationship
Expert:  psychlady replied 5 years ago.
If you truly are not happy then the issues have to be addressed right now. Pain should be decreased from conversation and mutual respect. You can continue to do this maybe with the pastor and see where it goes. These issues can be resolved with work. If you don't think you will ever feel better than it may be best to look at your options. If you stay, you need to decide how much you are willing to tolerate and that can be lack of trust and pain. A relationship shouldn't be painful so that is for you to decide. You also need to ask pastor how to fight in a way that benefits you and resolves issues. If the factor in all this is that you can't trust her that is a hard issue to resolve and may arise when feeling insecure.
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Customer: replied 5 years ago.
From your 16 yrs experience, my first pain is seeing her goin out with another senior guy in my eyes, do you think I can get over such memories or pain? We have talked abt this a couple of times. This is a major problem in my heart, I feel i was not her number 1, and it hurts me when we had some small fights. I sometimes feel I should let her go, the other part of my heart is reluctant to let go. I am asking this so that I open my mental views and i dont want to holding to something unfair or impossible. This is my first girlfriend, and we have done things to help each other in our lives and career, it just hurt to let go but please be honest and help, may be I am fool blinded in wishy love!sometimes i think if the senior guy was not engaged ...may be they should have married. But she came back to me after the failure. At the sametime I cherish her virginity.
Expert:  psychlady replied 5 years ago.
Do what you feel in right in your heart. Do what makes you happy which is not always the easiest thing. What happens long term when you are with someone and they go out with other and then come back is that it breeds a kind of insecurity that leads to other problems like not feeling you are number one. So you have to ask your heart if you can get past this. If you can't then you shouldn't waste her time or yours. If you can't treat her with the same respect or see her in a positive way, then you have to ask yourself if you can commit to this relationship
Customer: replied 5 years ago.
Thanks for your answers! This is what i will consider doing..1. monitor my heart condition these coming months, 2. look at my options, and 3. make my decision.
Expert:  psychlady replied 5 years ago.
Wonderful