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psychlady
psychlady, Counselor
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 6884
Experience:  I have over 16 years experience in treating adults presenting with a variety of relationship issues
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I sent in a relationship question months ago and it was never

Resolved Question:

I sent in a relationship question months ago and it was never answered

perhaps you can look at my file
Submitted: 3 years ago.
Category: Relationship
Expert:  psychlady replied 3 years ago.
What was your question
Customer: replied 3 years ago.

this I sent you way back in December - so here it is as a refresher

 

Briefly have been dating man for 2.5 years who had serious stroke 12 years ago, brain bleed 2 years ago ( I nursed him back to health ) 3 bad marriages - he was unfaithful, women were not loyal either except for # XXXXX He has never been as happy or in love with anyone as me.....after even choosing a ring and booking a honey moon - this was 15th marriage proposal, he cancels again so I dump him. Then a month later he asks me to attend Bar Mitzva in NYC - he is jewish - I am not. He is a retired doctor , very stingy with his money

 

He once again says that he loves me, invites me to come live with him in FLorida - I live in COlorado and work for a living - I cannot live in Limbo with no security and do not like where he lives anyway.

 

I suggest that he takes 6 months off to see other women as he tells me that he cannot get married, because he feels trapped and is always unfaithful. He is shocked but asks for one month to see how much he misses me. First day apart he calls 3 times misses me and loves me. Then basically no contact for 2 months - a few unimportatn emails. He did take a vacation with a woman and says that no one is as wonderful as I am. Now he has invitied me on a trip - I cannot go because I already have a cruise planned with other friends. Now he says he is going to send me a Valentines present. He lives in Florida and for the past 2 years has travelled to Colorado every month in the winter to visit me - he has always hated cold weather and is not coming this winter. He told me last night that when he talks to me he remember that he loves me, but when we are apart and do not communicate ( he has always been funny about phone calls and prefers emails ) his love fades he tells me.

 

He is saying that he feels lonely now and has not found anyone even close to as wonderful as I am. He loves his florida home and golfing buddies.

 

We did have a wonderful time together when he was not lying about marriage.

 

I am 60 divorced few single men wher I live - I am attractive & healty.

 

I am realistic that there will be no marriage but would like to get him back to date - perhaps I will be seen by someone else.

 

I did tell him that I was not in love any more and did not want to marry him, but we should be able to work something out to still have fun together and that is when he named a time in future when he knows I can leave my work but I already booked a cruise and he does not like cruises and I do not want him to come anyway - will be looking for new men.

 

How does one get back a former fiance who lives in differend state? He does come to Colorado every summer for 3 months.

 

What do you suggest?

Expert:  psychlady replied 3 years ago.
There has to be consistent communication that is positive and brings you closer. No game playing or waiting for the other person to send an email etc. Also ask him since he is so far away to have regular visitation that will support romantic encounters. There ha s to be some ground rules however in when he is Florida and I will leave those up to you. Have a discussion what and what is not appropriate when apart. Take turns going back and forth is that is possible. When you are together try to plan special days like date nights to remember the early days. Express your feelings in cards and emails so he knows how you feel. Maintain your sense of independence while still nurturing the relationship
Customer: replied 3 years ago.

Thank you,

 

When we are together it is fabulous and romantic - that is not an issue. The issue is that he proposes marriage, books honeymoon, tells his brother ( meaning really intends to get married ) and then cancels 3 days prior and 2 weeks later meets another woman who he invites on a trip - he tells me he did this because he was angry at me ( because with his permission I booked the flights for honeymoon and he forgot ) this is an example of how he feels trapped and goes out with other women - he tells me he spent whole trip talking about me.

 

He says that when he is with me he loves me ( that is true ) and when he is alone at his house in FLorida he forgets how much fun we had and he loved me.

 

I do not care about his dating other women at this point - I suggested it - so he sees no one is as wonderful as I am. I know that this is taking a chance. He is stubborn and decided that as he has travelled to Colorado for the past 2 winters to see me - he is not going to do this anymore.

 

He also after breaking marriage plans invited me to pack up and live with him in Florida - I cannot afford to give up my job to live in limbo.

 

What do you say about a man who admits that when you are not together he forgets how much he loves you. He also spends a lot of time looking at our pictures together and commenting to me on them.

 

thank you for your sincere thoughts on this man.

Expert:  psychlady replied 3 years ago.
I don't mean to sound harsh but why are you letting him do this to you. All of his actions suggest that he is very selfish person and not honoring the relationship at all. I really want to say some stuff but I don't want to upset you. His actions suggest that he playing games and has no plan to stop. And why is he seeing other people. Even if it was cancelled you were supposed to get married. This would drive me crazy. He is inconsiderate, unfaithful, and manipulative. Don't you deserve better. This guy isn't getting married. You are stroking his ego. If he is in love, he isn't showing it. You have to nail him down and figure out where his head is. Then base whatever decisions you have to make on that. I am afraid that he could continue to do this for some time.
Customer: replied 3 years ago.

Please do be harsh and honest. I am the one who suggested that he date other women for 6 months to see if he preferred anyone to me. I was hoping that this would cure his " trapped " feelings. I am also dating other people.

 

There is no relationship at the moment because in Oct 2010 when he cancelled the wedding plans - I broke up with him..

 

We had planned to go to NYC for Bar Mitzva for 2 years and I actually needed to get something out of bank safe deposit there and went as my airfare was paid for by this man.

 

1.That was when he admitted to me that all of his life when things get to good - he gets bored and messes up the goodness of the relationship,

 

2,as well as saying that marriage makes him feel trapped - so that is when I suggested he test others for 6 months to see if he prefers anyon to me. He was quite shocked and is of course doing this.

 

3. Sexually he is almost impotent due to stroke

 

 

I do not love him anymore - I cannot love a dishonest person. But I am by nature a very positive person and am blindly hoping that he suddenly misses me enough to have this work out.

 

4. He does keep saying he misses me and if I would go down to Florida to visit him - I cannot due to my work and he does not want to come here in cold and he rents his condo here when he is away - he has money but often acts like he does not.

 

as it is - he is calling daily now - but I have no false hopes.

 

I will respect your next answer as final and let you get back to helping others. If you would address each issue that would be great

 

Where are you located and in the future can we have a phone appointment if need be?

 

thank you

Expert:  psychlady replied 3 years ago.

1. People genuinely get a fear of success - whether love or work - they maintain their life on the premise that they don't deserve success

2. I don't think that was a good plan but if he really is going with that idea I understand. I just don't want it to backfire on you. It doesn't sound like it has done so.

3. The lack of sexual activity will cause him problem with everyone so the trust factor may be better. Make sure your relationship then is on a deep emotional bond then.

If you know he is dishonest be careful to not wait in vain. Be careful what you will tolerate in this area.

4. You can make a long distance relationship work money or not. It takes a toll but if the two of you can compromise it can work.

 

I am self employed by Just Answer and you can find me here anytime. I am new and am encouraging new clients to contact me here

Psychlady

psychlady, Counselor
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 6884
Experience: I have over 16 years experience in treating adults presenting with a variety of relationship issues
psychlady and other Relationship Specialists are ready to help you
Customer: replied 3 years ago.

These answers help me very much.

 

thank you

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