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psychlady
psychlady, Counselor
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 6884
Experience:  I have over 16 years experience in treating adults presenting with a variety of relationship issues
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I am in love with a guy I met who lives far away from me. we

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I am in love with a guy I met who lives far away from me. we have seen each other twice and have had a sexual relationship. he is separated as am I. We e-mail every day (we have for almost a year now). We call each other friends and I have even encouraged him to date. He knows I have gone on dates, etc. but if we lived anywhere near each other, I imagine WE would be dating. he has even said this much.

However, there is never any talk about future plans to get toghter or how he or i feel about each other. he has said he "likes" me ("i must really like you b/c I just shared desert with someone and I never do that"...those type of comments) and that i meet some of the "requirements" he has for a future wife should he get married again. He wants kids and I have them.

Im scared to tell him how I really feel b/c Im scared of his answer. But, it just seems like he likes me too. Yet we both know it can't work now b/c we are too far apart.
But, i am in love with him...my long distance friend. What do I do?
Submitted: 3 years ago.
Category: Relationship
Expert:  psychlady replied 3 years ago.
Let him know your feelings. You just waste time otherwise. If you both were diligent enough you could make a long distance relationship work. You could take turns for instance. Try to see if he feels the same and then go from there. Just consider that maybe when you are together in person it may not work or other things cause it to not work. You are saying however that you want to look at your options over dating other people so you have to consider how that could happen. If you absolutely feel that a long distance relationship can't work then just keep things the way they are. You have to ask yourself either way if you are creative enough and emotionally committed enough to go for this. The only person that knows that for sure in you. What's stronger your friendship at a distance or your romantic feelings with attempting to make such a situation work.
Customer: replied 3 years ago.

I don't think he wants to do long distance but then, i don't want to just be used as a friedn with fringe benefits either. he was here this weekend and we had a great time. but he never mentions getting togheter again. but he e-mails me first thing in the morning, when he lands, all during hte day. He fixed things around my house when he was here (which he did not have to do). I think he totally expects me to start dating someone soon. But, then he asks me to not forget about him. And that he could stay in touch in touch with me "forever". Does a man say this to a woman if he's only interested in sex? Does he do these things if he's only interested in sex? he is in the military and will likely get transferred in 18 months to someplace else. it's like he knows this can't work but doesn't want to lose contact with me.

I just k now that I can't stop thinking about him no matter how hard I try. He even joked around that we are like "harry and sally". HA!!

Expert:  psychlady replied 3 years ago.
I agree with the fringe benefits part. When you talk to him in person or on line make sure you have strong boundaries including how the relationship would work and the benefits of dating him. It is somewhat disappointed that he says you will meet someone - that suggests a friend. Its unrealistic to talk about forever when you are not a relationship. You need to speak with him and this can lead to thoughts that are off base. I strongly suggest clarification through an open and honest conversation. You can always go back to the ways things were. Ease your mind and talk soon.
Customer: replied 3 years ago.

Well, I have encouraged him to date as well. I just figured that since we are not dating and he lives so far away, taht he should go out on a date too. he knows that I have. And, he's admitted to being jealous. But, he knows he's not here and that it is inevitable that we will both, at some point, date someone.

 

I guess i don't really know what my question is. I just wish it were more but I realize it can't be. Maybe it won't ever be. But, he is hte first person I think about in the AM and the last one I think about at night. It's hard to be just friends but it about all we can be at this point.

 

I guess my question is: is this heatlhy or not? should I just cut ties altogehter or keep it as is? Does a realtionship like this ever work out?

Expert:  psychlady replied 3 years ago.
A long distance relationship can work with a lot of effort. A relationship is as healthy as you make it - long distance or not. Its what you make it. Don't cut ties unless it bothers you so much that it makes you depressed or hopeless. you still have a great friend and confidante. Do what makes you happy.
Customer: replied 3 years ago.

i think I am more attached than he is. I wish we could just be friends or be more but not both. I should probably just cut ties with him.

i just don't see it working out.

 

thanks for hte feedback.

Expert:  psychlady replied 3 years ago.
I agree and please do whatever makes you happy. If you think it will never work out, then it may be best to let it go. It's hard to be friends when you want something more. Do what feels right to you
Expert:  psychlady replied 3 years ago.
I agree and please do whatever makes you happy. If you think it will never work out, then it may be best to let it go. It's hard to be friends when you want something more. Do what feels right to you
psychlady, Counselor
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 6884
Experience: I have over 16 years experience in treating adults presenting with a variety of relationship issues
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