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psychlady
psychlady, Counselor
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 6887
Experience:  I have over 16 years experience in treating adults presenting with a variety of relationship issues
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I would like to have a question answered about an issue I am into and has resulted in a breakup. I have been sepparted for 10 years now and have still had a great relationship with my ex we celibrated birthdays with my kids, one from our marriage and two others from another. We would get together to celibrate occasions. I had started a relationship with another women for about a year now and this caused allot of issues. This is the only issue we have disagreed on. I tried to explain that we are friends and that's it and that I don't find it odd that we get together for this kind of stuff we have done this for along time now. I have a history with my ex of twenty years and we get along very well. I tried to get my new girlfriend to accompany me to these parties to allow her to see that my ex and I are only friends and nothing is going on at all. My girlfriend thinks that ex's should be just that and that if your going to celibrate birthdays then it should be done separately and that she will not attend and got furious. we have split because of this and i feel guilty about all of this. i also must say that my son that we have together has medical issues IE he has epilepsy and is also delayed in his learning. Should I guilty about this
Submitted: 3 years ago.
Category: Relationship
Expert:  psychlady replied 3 years ago.
This is always very awkward and downright frustrating. Even though it's about the children, it can feel like one or the other is being left out or ignored. This is a very delicate balance. This balance needs to include ex and girlfriend to really work. Unfortunately you are the facilitator since you are in between. I would find a function that girlfriend is willing to go to and also let ex know before the occasion. For instance a BBQ over a child's birthday party. Ease them into this slowly. The girlfriend will not feel ignored and the relationships between everyone can begin to develop. It isn't going to happen over night! You can have separate occasions but that will never create relationships between everyone. You can gage how quickly this can happen but really try to make it work. Encourage girlfriend to try too
Customer: replied 3 years ago.

That is not going to be an option we have split and probably won't get back together over this. I did try to get her to go to my son's birthday this is the third time i tried to get her to go to something that all my kids and my ex would be there and break the ice with my ex. She would not do it. I think I have tried to do it her way and it is hard because of my long standing friendship with my ex. My girlfriend thinks that the relationship my ex and I have is not normal. It took me a long time to figure it out also but I did it is better for all if ex's get a long. I am frustrated and I think damm another relationship gone.

 

I guess I am grieving for the loss but I am also looking for assurance I guess that I did what I could and that I don't have to feel guilty about lossing her.

 

Am I wrong with all of this?

Expert:  psychlady replied 3 years ago.
It is very difficult for the new girlfriend and there is a territorial issue usually. You are not doing anything wrong by being civil. This benefits the children the most! The girlfriend has to fit into this puzzle. If you have gone out of your way to put everyone together then you have done everything you can. Yes, there will be insecurity on her part for awhile but that doesn't mean she gets it all her way. Eventually the roles get formalized and it works. If the issue of being with your family is so distasteful then that relationship would not have worked anyway. You lost a relationship that wouldn't have worked with your other past relationships and that can't be fixed. Take comfort in the fact that you can interact with your ex civilly in front of your children and would like to include another person. For that you should not feel guilty
Customer: replied 3 years ago.

I thank you for your insight in this matter! I am feeling better about this now but the hurt is difficult to deal with as you are aware. I can't believe that my girlfriend could not accept this. It hurts! I get angy about this and hurt deeply. I think your correct and I have lost the relationship that wouldn't work anyway but I tried. Do you think I should let it go and not accept her opinion on this matter and leave it be and move on.When you say that if she finds my family distasteful do you mean that about my kids and my ex wife being together on birthdays, and other occasions. Does it make a difference with there age they are 28,24 and 14. they still are my kids! sorry to take up so much of your time i am triing to find answers and I am frustrated with the fact that my girlfriend tried to make it my fault that we broke up and blames me. I don't think it is and let her know that she had to fit into my life as well as i had to fit into hers. She has two ex's also and she don't talk to them and they don't go to birthday parties for there kids and she thinks i should of done the same. Life sometimes can be a challenge.

 

 

Expert:  psychlady replied 3 years ago.
That's definately what I meant by distasteful. Now it becomes clearer. She wants you to behave like she does when she ends things. That is dysfunctional. Kids need both parents and a support system. That's why you should value her opinion less. She doesn't set a healthy example. It doesn't matter how old the kids are. The best example is two parents who can come together like this. It makes kids, and grown kids, comfortable in an occasion that two parents are civil. Spend time withdrawing from this recent girlfriend and find one that can love your kids enough to be civil to ex. You are not taking up my time and can contact me anytime through JA - Psychlady
Customer: replied 3 years ago.

You mean I have been doing a normal thing by staying friends with my ex and accepting the fact that this is the best way to handle this. Like I said it took me a long time to figure this out but allot of people don't understand and think it is an odd relationship to have. People think that you have to leave someone behind to move forward why can't it be both ways. I mean i know that my ex are just friends and will always be i would think that if I were to start another relationship with someone that they will not understand and here we go again. I will definitley will make it known the next time this is what I am and have some baggage that will follow me. I thank you again it puts my mind at ease a bit and now to get over it

Expert:  psychlady replied 3 years ago.
You can communicate in a healthy relationship in a way that promotes a positive interaction with ex. If you continually show that this relationship is a way to help your children then they will not feel threatened or insecure. A healthy relationship with you will also do this. You don't have to have a hateful relationship with you ex to move on. You aren't sleeping together; you are just staying friendly. Don't worry - you have the right idea
Customer: replied 3 years ago.

Thank You

 

Dennis

Expert:  psychlady replied 3 years ago.
You're welcome. Psychlady
psychlady, Counselor
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 6887
Experience: I have over 16 years experience in treating adults presenting with a variety of relationship issues
psychlady and 2 other Relationship Specialists are ready to help you
Customer: replied 3 years ago.

Hi Again

 

I am finding it very hard to handle my breakup and feel like there will not be anyone else.How can I deal with this better i know only time can heal but what do u do inthe mean time

Expert:  psychlady replied 3 years ago.
Breakups are difficult for most people. There is a period of loneliness that feels overwhelming at times. You probably don't want to hear that the best remedy is time but you know it is true. In the meantime, even when you feel not up to it, nourish other things that will take your mind off of your situation. This could be hobbies, friends, classes. Anything that will keep boredom and deep reflection at a distance. There is some value also in short term therapy these days because it doesn't involve the long term commitment of therapy. There are also places when you are ready that can be soley social and not romantic like Parents Without partners. You can think of your own. Make time for friends and social contacts - even when you think you can't - because being alone helps nothing. I suggest short term counseling.
Customer: replied 3 years ago.
well i am alone and that is the hardest i do not want to go out or anything just yet. i have been chatting online and that helps. i know it is over but i just want the time to pass. i know it will pass sometimes i am strong and othertimes i am weak it will pass.
Expert:  psychlady replied 3 years ago.
This is typical of getting on past a relationship. Identify what makes you feel stronger or brings you some joy and participate regularly. If you can't bring yourself to do out, try to find an outlet such as chatting with friends. Nothing is going to be a huge help just yet because you are in the stage of healing. With that, will come whatever lessons you learned from this relationship
psychlady, Counselor
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 6887
Experience: I have over 16 years experience in treating adults presenting with a variety of relationship issues
psychlady and 2 other Relationship Specialists are ready to help you

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psychlady
psychlady
Clinical Director
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I have over 16 years experience in treating adults presenting with a variety of relationship issues