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Ask Dr. Keane Your Own Question

Dr. Keane
Dr. Keane, Counselor
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 1705
Experience:  PHD LPC
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I dont trust my husband because of past, he has lied and hides

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I don't trust my husband because of past, he has lied and hides things from me. Im not sure if he does it to make sure i don't nag or if he cares for me to not hurt me. He looks at girls profiles mostly behind my back and everytime we try to talk about serious issues in our relationship he gets angry and sometimes walks away or goes all quiet. I want to know if this is a sign of him falling out of love with me and just staying because he feels sorry for me cause i need him to much? We have had 3somes in past which made me insecure and nagged him a lot. My husband got depressed and still says he is depressed. We don't have sexual relations as much which makes me feel he is cheating and makes me more insecure in myself. We don't have the best of communications between us, i can talk but he doesn't talk about his feelings at all. He keeps telling me he will change and try harder but it seems im always doing the changing and putting up with his moods. I love him i just want us to have a more open relationship to actually be able to talk without any worries and no sneakyness or lying. How can i talk to him or fix this with a man that has bad communication and moody?
Submitted: 3 years ago.
Category: Relationship
Expert:  Dr. Keane replied 3 years ago.

Dr. Keane :

Hi, I can help you today.

Customer :

thanks

Customer :

i have been married for 5yrs and the first 2 years were great but since the 3some and his depression hes moody and shows no emotions hardly esp when im mad

Customer :

it says ur offline??? do i wait here for advice?

Dr. Keane :

I'm back

Dr. Keane :

Once you had the 3some things changed, if you don't trust him anymore and know he lies and hides things then you need to do something concrete, like marriage counseling, if you want your marriage to improve.

Customer :

He knows i don't trust him which makes him angry and i try to explain why i don't trust him and he still thinks im being unreasonable

Dr. Keane :

Communication is key to a good marriage and you seem to understand that. You may be "on board" as far as wanting to talk and work things out so you can trust again but unless he wants the same things you cannot move forward. You are not being unreasonable and once you allowed a 3some to happen you literally bought someone else into your marriage.

Customer :

i have a program on my computer that watches everything he does, i told him i took it off so we can try this trust thing but i just don't trust him and put it back on and see that he still looks at woman's profiles behind my back which he thinks is ok and i should b ok with it too

Customer :

true we both know not to do that again

Customer :

my main problem is that i want him to be happy so much i am willing to do anyhtingfor him even if it made me miserable i have issues with being alone and my main concern is that he will leave me

Dr. Keane :

If he is looking at other girls profiles you have every right to be upset. The lack of trust in this relationship will erode it. If he is depressed he should be seeing a counselor and it would be a good idea. He is not willing to see a counselor what does he intend to do about his depression? Has he gone to see his doctor at all?

Customer :

he did see a doctor once in the uk but says he has problems talking with strangers or ppl in general

Customer :

he has anger issues too and is childish

Customer :

he gets frustrated so quickly even if he doesnt understand what im saying he gets frustrated and moody which makes it hard to talk to him

Dr. Keane :

your wanting him to be happy is not where your priorities should be. It isn't your job to see to his happiness, whether it's because you love him (that's not love) or are afraid to be alone (which isn't like to happen)

Dr. Keane :

How old are you?

Customer :

34 he is 36

Customer :

i have 2 kids in previous relationship with a man who was verbally abusive and possesive and jelouse as well

Customer :

i was in that for 10 years now im in a relationship with a childish moody man of 5 years

Customer :

i try to hard to please ppl and not worry about myself wether it be my husband or friends or family

Dr. Keane :

Have you ever though about "why" you feel the need to "fix" his problems? He is full of excuses and until he faces his depression you will suffer. If you have been in a abusive relationship once before do you see any similarities in this situation. It may not be outright abuse however where is the sanctity of your relationship?

Dr. Keane :

You would be best served by going to therapy yourself and learning how to take care of you first. Your self esteem is based on how well you "serve" others, instead of how good you feel about yourself.

Customer :

well i was more happier with my ex cause i know he was verbal and jelouse but at least he showed affection and love me even if it was too much now in a relationship where i dont feel loved and hard to talk to him but he keeps telling me he loves me and would b lost without me and its not everyday hes moody i just cant get over this trust thing and talk to him about it cause he makes it seem like its my fault or its not a bad thing and then i feel bad cause im nagging about things that make me upset

Customer :

i have never been alone i was in relationship with my ex at age 17 to 27 then met my husband online and married him and been married for 5 years

Dr. Keane :

It's tough, I know it's scary and you have two children. However, if you put the focus on yourself, take care of you and know you are important just feeling better about yourself will give you strength and courage to stand on your own. Other people will use you and suck all the energy out of you, he's doing a great job making you feel as though it is your fault the relationship isn't going well. BotXXXXX XXXXXne, he's depressed, you are "enabling" his behavior and he is using his depression as a way to keep you from taking care of yourself and focusing on you. Your past experience, your never standing on your own or being alone is holding you back. Counseling would be very good for you in terms of growth.

Customer :

should i tell him i put the program i have on my computer back on to waatch him? i know that will anger him but at least i would feel better about it and not doing somthing behind his back. i will also suggest counselling to him and saying its somthing i think we both need and he needs cause of his depression

Dr. Keane :

You need to love yourself first and you don't. You have every right to feel jealous (although it's a horrible destructive emotion) in that he is looking at others, that is a huge lack of respect for you and you DESERVE respect.

Customer :

he tells me its just looking at pictures i dont do it everyday what is wrong with looking at other woman i am not touching them or flirting there is no harm in looking and i dont know how to fight that question but with only it makes me feel insecure about myself

Dr. Keane :

You need to be brutally honest, tell him you did put the program back on and for that you are sorry. That you are done with it and have decided that if this marriage is to work you both need to start at square one, that is, counseling together and individually, open and honest communication and bring respect back into the marriage. Let him know that "just looking" at other women upsets you and is disrespectful. If he wants this to work he needs to work with you, not just do what he wants. When you tell him you put the program back on say is simply and calmly in a voice without anger , something like "I felt you were not being honest with me and was upset and wanted to see if you were looking again. I'm telling you because we need to start over on this marriage so I've removed it". If he is angry, let him be, don't engage in any back and forth you did this, you did that with him. Keep all your statements calm and think before you speak, have a dialogue ready that outlines what you are now willing to do and what you want to see happen.

Dr. Keane :

There is harm in his looking, it's demeaning to you as a woman and his wife. Yes, men look at other women, women look at men but what he is doing is basically cheating simply stated.

Customer :

well thing is i had program on computer before and told him i took it off to start fresh and here i put it on again so he will be mad, also the main reason i dont trust him is because one day i went to work and he stayed home and went on a porn chat with a woman for 20 min and didnt tell me, he said he was going to but i was curious and looked at history and saw he did and made me so upset and he said he did it cause he was curious ever since then i dont trust him online cause we dont have sex but yet he feels he can look at that stuff or womans profiles online meanwhile i feel inadequit<<bad spelling

Customer :

he did say he wouldnt do that anymore of course but its hard to gain that trust back and i want to stay with him cause i love him i just dont trust him and cant talk to him without being afraid and having panic attacks and shaking

Dr. Keane :

Make a plan and stick to it, do not accept any excuses as to why he feels it's okay to behave this way and let him know that you plan on "working" on yourself as a way to not only feel better about who you are but to contribute positively, honestly and to the best of your ability to getting your marriage back. If he doesn't agree or take you seriously then you need to rethink your relationship with him. You are a mother and role model for your children. You need to show them as well as yourself that self respect and respect from others is top priority. As for his porn chat you do not take any excuses for that behavior. He is not a man to be trusted and you need to be tough on that issue. You would be smart to get yourself into counseling as soon as possible to help you learn how to get through this, it can also help you manage and get through your anxiety produced panic attacks

Dr. Keane :

Raise your self esteem, you will see a new woman emerge.

Customer :

thank you so much for your help Dr Keane i will find myself counselling and discuss marriage counselling

Customer :

you have helped me out a lot

Customer :

one last question?

Dr. Keane :

good, stay strong and get help, once you feel validated and stronger you'll be able to move forward.

Dr. Keane :

sure

Customer :

is it all woman who should feel badly about there man looking at other woman? i do have some friends and say as long as they look and dont touch?

Dr. Keane :

There is a huge difference between looking at other women, having porn chats or looking at profiles and flirting. We all look, and it can reach dangerous grounds when someone who has been looking long decides to take the next step and chat, then meet or have virtual sex. Looking at others is different than what he is doing. He may have an addiction or develop one. So to answer your question it has nothing to do with feeling badly about your husband looking, it is the development of addictions, crossing boundaries and relying on these women for sexual fulfillment or even an emotional attachment. Please click accept so I get credit for my work today. Feel free to ask for me if you need additional information in the future. Good luck and remember be strong and put YOU first.

Customer :

thank you again :)

Dr. Keane :

Just put my name in your subject line and I'll answer when I'm online. You are welcome .

Dr. Keane, Counselor
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 1705
Experience: PHD LPC
Dr. Keane and 2 other Relationship Specialists are ready to help you

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