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psychlady
psychlady, Counselor
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 6886
Experience:  I have over 16 years experience in treating adults presenting with a variety of relationship issues
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Hi, I need help! My name is Ashley and Im 26 years old.

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Hi, I need help! My name is XXXXX XXXXX I'm 26 years old. My heart is torn in two... I was in a serious relationship for 2 years with a man named Danny (38 years old). He and I ended early last year mainly because he said he would never marry me (he had been married twice before) and he said he never wanted children. I never pressured him about those things but it was definitely something I wanted in the future. Other than that, our relationship was just alright. He used to drive me crazy... always on his phone, didn't want to meet my friends, didn't socialize with my family, he rarely initiated intimacy, he constantly dismissed my feelings. I admit that I enabled him to treat me that way because I didn't always tell him how upset it made me because he would either get annoyed with me or call me too sensitive. Regardless, I loved him unconditionally.

After he and I ended, he dated an older woman (divorced with 3 children and basically the opposite of me!). He ended up leaving her towards the end of the summer because he realized he did want to get married and have kids and that wasn't an option with her.

Last August I met an amzing man, David (39) while on vacation with a girlfriend. He and I hit it off instantly. He's brilliant, romantic, funny, sweet, etc. We spent only 24 hours together then he had to return home... to AUSTRALIA (by the way, I live in RI). He said he wanted to see me again and I thought 'sure... you live 18000 miles away from me. It's not going to happen!' We talked, emailed, skyped everyday and he invited me to go on a first date... half way... in Hawaii! Not something I would have ever done... I'm far to conservative and careful to travel hours away to spend a week with a man I barely knew! But I did it anyways!

It was the most romantic week of my life. He's such a gentleman!

He came to visit me in RI for 10 days in November. My family and friends love him. Last time I saw him was Nov 21. He has invited me to go visit him in AUS for a few months. I'd have to quit my job (but I might be ok with that!). Then he wants to move here and settle down and start a family.

Meanwhile, after Danny broke up with his other girlfriend (and before he found out about David) he started pursuing me again. He has tried so hard to prove to me that he deserves a second chance and that he has grown up a lot. The problem is I'm not sure if he'll always stay this way... the 'New Danny' is perfect and has been perfect for the last 5 months... he's sweet to my family, I haven't even seen his phone, he want's to cook for me (never did that before), he leaves me love notes (never did that before either), he compliments me (yep... you guessed it, never did that either!). I hated how we ended and he'll always have a piece of my heart. We managed to maintain a friendship while he was with her. And we have been growing closer recently.

Dan knows all about Dave. Dave knows most things about Dan.

Last night, Dan told me he's done waiting for me to make up my mind. Rightfully so. I haven't been fair to him (or Dave). Dave has been waiting for an answer about me going over there for a few weeks now. He said if I don't go there, he'll come back here for a visit. That would kill Danny. I can't hurt him.

I would rather have my heart broken 1000 times before I break either of their hearts. I love them both. I've been crippled by this situation for too long. I don't know what to do. Some think I'm the luckiest girl in the world for having these two amazing men in love with me. I don't see it that way at all. I've been really down lately, in a really dark place. I feel like an evil, terrible liar. I'm emotionally and phyisically drained. I haven't been sleeping either. I'm distracted at work.

I love them both. I have my concerns about both. Any advice for me??

Thank you so much for reading :)
Submitted: 3 years ago.
Category: Relationship
Expert:  psychlady replied 3 years ago.
A few precautions for you. I agree that this is not as great as others think it is. Because you are responsible for their feelings about you. However I commend you for being honest with them. These are my concerns. With the Australian, long distance relationships are very difficult to maintain and can become more and more complicated. The other concern is that it is easy to romanticize with a long distance lover. You don't have a chance to see their flaws because contact is sporadic. So what we tend to do is to exaggerate their positives and ignore their negatives. He also could be putting his best foot forward because he wants to be the chosen one, but you don't know him 24/7.

Okay now the other guy. You and this guy have had your problems, and although he may have changed his mind about such critical issues but that is not usually the case. He also may be putting his best foot forward knowing that you have contact with this other guy. What if he really does not want to get married when you let the other guy go. I am just trying to get you to think about all your options. You choose the one that makes you happy and concentrate solely on that guy.
Customer: replied 3 years ago.

Hi,

Thanks for your response. And I just wanted to add... I haven't been completely honest with David (so don't commend me yet!!). He doesn't know how strongly I still feel for Dan. He knows Dan is still in my life, I care about him a ton and her is pursuing me.

 

David and I have skyped (video chatted) once to twice a day for 5 months and we email and text constantly. I feel like we have a really amazing understanding of eachother (I know I sound like I've lost my mind!). He and I communicate more than we've ever communicated with any other person especially because communication is all we really have at the moment. It wouldn't be long distance for much longer. But he has noticed a change in my communications...I don't talk about our future and I haven't been overly affectionate lately.

 

I'm convinced Danny does want to get married. He said he wants to marry me, but he's planning on getting married regardless of if I choose to be with him. He has so much love to share and he can't be kept on hold (understandably!).

 

I know both of them are putting their best foot forward at the moment... but their other foot seems to be pretty darn great too! They both make me happy. I couldn't imagine my life without Dan. But I couldn't imagine not at least trying things with David because (while I'm sure he's not perfect) he seems so perfect for me. In order to try things with either of them, I'd have to take an enormous leap of faith. I'm terrified of making the wrong decision. But I know I need to make one now. And if you're at all into astrology, I'm a pisces... so by nature I'm indecisive and far too empathetic and in touch with everyone's emotions. My perfect match is a Scorpio... which is Danny. David is a Sagitarious... not a good match at all. And while those are our sun signs, our moon signs aren't compatible either (I forget what those are at the moment!). I know I shouldn't base my decisions on astrology, but I'm grasping at straws here. I'm still so torn! It's 50/50. I know it's an impossible situation and I certainly don't expect you to be able to tell me which one to choose! :) I just appreciate any guidance! Thanks!

Expert:  psychlady replied 3 years ago.
It is my pleasure. You are both very blessed and slightly cursed. You are totally right that either will be hurt. And the decision is completely in your hands. I would not just decide according to the guy's personality but also the sacrifice you will have to make in being with that person. For instance, if you met a great guy and he lived in Alaska and you were not willing to transplant yourself that the rest wouldn't matter. I don't know if this is a good example but you get where I'm going. I am not saying to jump at the relationship that is more convenient, U am just saying to consider all of the circumstances. Another example would be if one guy doesn't want children or can't stand children and you would have to bring one into the relationship that that would be a problem. Weigh all the pros and cons and you may be able to seriously decide what you feel is right
psychlady, Counselor
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 6886
Experience: I have over 16 years experience in treating adults presenting with a variety of relationship issues
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