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Ask psychlady Your Own Question

psychlady, Counselor
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 6892
Experience:  I have over 16 years experience in treating adults presenting with a variety of relationship issues
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Hi, My name is Shannon Turner and i am 25 years old. My

Customer Question


My name isXXXXX and i am 25 years old. My ex boyfriend and I were dating for 2 years and have been broken up for 3 months now. We had a great relationship up until the last month. We began fighting a lot and he stated that the relationship was no longer enjoyable because he was feeling a lot of pressure. In the beginning, we did not contact eachother at all. I read your advice and went out on a date. When my ex found out I went on this date, he told me that he was relieved so he would not feel guilty if he were to hook up with someone else. He also said that i must have really been in love with him if i were able to go on a date that quickly.

Since our break up, we have hooked up once (saw eachother out and were drunk). He has also contacted me a few times -- once to tell me that he got a new job that he has been waiting for since we were dating, another time to say Merry xmas, and another time to ask me where he could buy something because he knew that i would know. I spoke with him last night and he said he feels like we never broke up because he is so worried about hurting me but wants to be free for now. He said he can't ask me to wait for him because he doesn't know if he is ever going to want to get married. I told him that if it were easier for him to go on with his life then i will not be in it any longer. He said he doesnt want that. I am confused.

I am not sure what to do from here. Do I continue the no contact rule? I am not sure if I should be his friend or just back off entirely? He said he promises he won't forget abou tme and he is not completely dismissing me from his future.

Thanks in advance,
Shannon TUrner
Submitted: 6 years ago.
Category: Relationship
Expert:  psychlady replied 6 years ago.
I never understand this concept of breaking up and remaining friends. Some people can do this but it usually is an opening to just get back in the relationship that has not worked so far. There usually is no reason to try to function in a friendship unless their are children. Move on, find happiness, and a positive relationship. By keeping in contact, you only increase the chance of returning to this relationship. It doesn't matter if he got that job, because it should only matter to him. It's his situation.would reinstitute the no contact rule and enjoy being single. Someone will come along that wants a relationship full time. If you stop this now, you don't have to feel guilty if you meet up with someone.
Customer: replied 6 years ago.
Yes, I understand what you are saying but I would like to get back into the relationship. I was wondering what I should do to make him feel that he has lost me.
Expert:  psychlady replied 6 years ago.
I was concerned about his "I want to move on" speech, but he could be realizing his mistake via the continuing communication. You can continue to communicate but don't give him anymore information regarding your dating life because that will only put space between you. You can start approaching this subject through emails (which even feels safer than doing it in person.) Don't come on too strong but just let him know the positives in the relationship that you really miss. Eventually if he feels the same he will reciprocate. Also avoid having sexual contact through one hot night (it may hurt more than it helps). Ask him to a nice quiet safe place (coffee house?) to talk things over. If he is still aloof or unwilling you have no choice but to leave it alone (through email and anything else)
Customer: replied 6 years ago.
Yes, I agree. His actions are speaking louder then his words though. He has been attempting to keep him in his life by contacting me a few times. He called me on Tuesday to ask me a silly question that he could have asked anyone. We spoke a little about our relationship last night and he said that he feels guilty doing talking to other girls because he is afraid to hurt me and he has felt like this since we broke up. He said he feels like we havent broken up because he feels this way. I asked him if he was blaming me for this and he said no he was not. He said that he just wants to be free and not worry about it. I asked him if it would be easier for him to do what he wants if i was not in his life and he said no, he doesn't want that. He said that it would not be far to ask me to wait for him because he doesn't know if he ever wants to get married. He is telling me to move on but stringing me along by telling me he still wants me in his life. I am not really sure what to make of it.
Expert:  psychlady replied 6 years ago.
Your sentence about he is telling me to move completely accurate. It's almost like he wants your approval to move on. That's is completely unfair. He is misusing your "friendship" and what appears to be your good nature. I would let it go. The longer you communicate with him, the longer your heart will not be open to someone else. He has given you valuable information and none of it is positive. I am sorry but he is using your kind nature to process his dating issues. End this unless he shows that at least he wants to begin dating you again. You don't need to be emotionally available if it is only to allow him date everyone else. Allow yourself to meet someone wonderful and focused

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