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Ask Rev.Dr. August Abbott Your Own Question

Rev.Dr. August Abbott
Rev.Dr. August Abbott, Clergy
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 7532
Experience:  Ordained minister: Counselor (spiritual/life)
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I just found out two days after Christmas my husband of 15

Resolved Question:

I just found out two days after Christmas my husband of 15 years has been cheating on me for 10 months which he confessed. I knew of the situation 10 months ago because he told me he was talking with this woman everyday for 3/4 months (at this point nothing happened, so he says) and tried to put a stop to it. He changed his cell number and blocked her number. The woman started contacting him again through another email address. My husband continued the talking/texting relationship for another 7 months but now meeting her out (twice) at different bars with a friend of his and ending up getting drunk on both occasions and kissing her. I've asked what was it about her that he enjoyed and he said "the conversation and how she made him feel like he was the most wonderful guy in the world and he could do no wrong". He also said he needed a distraction because of feeling down and depressed due to his business doing poorly and money situations which he brought on himself. I've always encouraged, supported him, told him how much I love him and how great he looks. I'm a very passionate person. I'm not blaming him 100% for what he's done because I'm sure I probably could communicate a little better but WOW how careless was I thinking things where doing well between us. A part of me wanted to throw his ass out the door as quickly as possible but couldn't because I still love him and forgive him for what he's done but can't seem to get pass the HURT that creeps up everyday. I'm trying my hardest to overcome this and move on and not shove it back into in face. We agreed to go for help but in the meantime any word of advice would be so helpful as I haven't spoken of this to anyone.
Submitted: 5 years ago.
Category: Relationship
Expert:  Rev.Dr. August Abbott replied 5 years ago.

The1Caretaker :

-- I'm sorry this happened, not just to you, but to your husband and your long-time relationship.

Although you might not think so right now, it could be turned into a good thing and become the cement that strengthens your marriage for a lifetime.

It's very wise of both of you to plan on counseling. The sooner the better.

You're perfectly normal in your feelings, how the thoughts haunt you and how impossible it seems to get past it, all perfectly normal.

Understanding the difference between how a male's psyche works is one of the tools you need to understand that although a betrayal, it didn't have anything to do with you and everything to do with him and his feelings of low self esteem, doubt and insecurity.

You already seem to have deep insights to this in your mentioning his business and financial predicament. It doesn't justify this behavior, but it gives a basis for the temporary loss of rational judgment


When you step back and put it in perspective, considering all the years you've been together and I'm sure rough times you've been through, this can be overcome as well.

I'm impressed and proud that you didn't jump to the easy and quick, immediate gratification solution that seems so popular these days. Instead, you've decided to work on it, figure it out and heal.

And while your husband didn't ask a question, feel free to share this with him: He needs to be patient with the female response to stress. He won't understand it and it may seem irrational at times, but this is the result and consequence of a choice he made.


Make sure to schedule that counseling as soon as possible.

Good luck and God bless,

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