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psychlady
psychlady, Counselor
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 6886
Experience:  I have over 16 years experience in treating adults presenting with a variety of relationship issues
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Hi again, Id like an answer by a relationship expert please.

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Hi again, I'd like an answer by a relationship expert please. My partner of more than 11 years has a child by his first marriage which ended when his child, Bridget, was 2 years old. Since then he has religiously visited her, she lives about an hour's drive away, every second Saturday for the day and night. I met Bridget when she was about 5 and she stayed with us several times. I have to admit she was a handful as she was taking ventolin and was pretty hyperactive (throwing a football inside which broke a light fitting and generally not listening to anything I had to say), unlike my children, although they got along well. I have always wanted to build a relationship with her, I enjoy children and get great pleasure from mine. I've asked my partner many times if I could accompany him on one of his visits, or even see Bridget a couple of times a year but he refuses. He has said in the past that he doesn't think I have anything to bring to the relationship, that I'd be the third wheel and that Bridget doesn't like me because she remembers my being cross with her for blowing her nose on my bedspread when she was very young. I didn't go over the top in admonishing her - just said it wasn't acceptable behaviour and she should have asked for a tissue. My partner did arrange a meeting with her, dinner at my place, early last year which turned out to be a bit of a disaster as I was literally sick with nerves. I hadn't seen Bridget for nearly 10 years. I've offerred all sorts of solutions to the problem, such as my having a day out shopping with her, taking her to a "girlie" movie etc. but he won't permit it. On the other had he expects/demands that I buy her Christmas and Birthday gifts. We're (my partner and I) seeing a relationship counsellor for the first time next week and I want to raise my concern and I'd just like to know if I'm being too pushy in this situation. I don't want to be her new best friend but I'd like to get to know her is all as it saddens me when I haven't seen my partner all week because of work and then he takes off, no matter what is happening/problems etc. and my partner insists on this controlled relationship with his daughter. Also when his daughter visits him a his home or his parent's home they sleep in the same bed, which I feel at her age now 16 1/2 is really not healthy. Am I being too pushy? PS my partner has a good relationship with both of my children. How do I broach this subject in counselling without causing him to immediately get defensive? Many thanks. I realise this is a tricky one and would really like an opinion so I'm prepared to increase the fee for this question to A$20 if that helps.
Submitted: 3 years ago.
Category: Relationship
Expert:  psychlady replied 3 years ago.
It's a shame that he can't support your desire to make for a good relationship. Your are right that incident could be resolved if there was contact and effort on your part. Please speak with the counselor about this since children and money are the number one problems in relationship. I don't think you are being pushy. You are just asking to have a better relationship. In the end however it is his decision and only his. I am disappointed that he feels you to add to the relationship. You are part of the relationship. If he refuses to acknowledge that then you have no choice but to accept this position since it's his child. Be careful though that you are just missing him and want more time with him over truly wanting to have relationship with this child. Counseling is a safe environment to resolve this issue since children can be a sensitive topic. Bring up to the counselor that you wish to take the first steps in this direction. He will be however since he is in the middle. It will require total support on his part
psychlady, Counselor
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 6886
Experience: I have over 16 years experience in treating adults presenting with a variety of relationship issues
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