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psychlady
psychlady, Counselor
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 6892
Experience:  I have over 16 years experience in treating adults presenting with a variety of relationship issues
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I have been seeing someone for 4 months now. This is someone

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I have been seeing someone for 4 months now. This is someone I have been friends with and have known as a friend while we were both married, we are both now divorcing, for 11 years. We have can talk for hours about any and everything and seem to be very close. About a month ago I found out he has been seeing someone else as well. She lives 200 miles away and he spends the weekends with her as I am with my kids. She is a party gal and he says it is not serious. He tells me that you only find the connection we have in couples that have been in a serious committed relationship for a long time not the 'no strings' attachment. His beleif is no one should have a boyfriend/girlfriend at all. I have known him for a long time and he is a mess from his divorce - very hurt and bitter. From what I see she is the party girl that will not become involved in his daily life and only knows what he tells her whereas I know the real him and am here locally. She represents fun and freedom I am the one he has always wanted, he has told me this, thus I am the committment.
As much as this hurts I am thinking I want to end this with him until he is done with her all together. I am not one for unlimatums but I wont comprimise myself either. What do I do and how do I put this so it doesn't come accross as an unltimatum?

It is unfortunate that you two have been friends for so long. But look at the way you see this so it is not as tragic and this may help during your meeting.

 

Why would a "friend" treat you this way. You should demand and require respect at all times. Giving respect is not expecting to have a girlfriend (or whatever) and still be sleeping with someone on the side. You should want more from any relationship than that. If he wants to sleep with someone you seem to have several options. Tell him to get lost - he obviously is not in a place to commit or there would be just you - forget what she is. He must like it because he keeps going back. Tell him you both should be able to function this way too and start playing the field. See what he does when you are both doing it. Or stay and put up with this double standard. And he will continue to do what he is doing now.

 

I would meet him and see if he can reach a compromise or your expectations. If not, let him go. You are then open minded to meet someone who respects you. I think he's still playing the field and wants you to be there too. And if you let it happen it won't change any time soon. Try to find someone who is good to you all the time

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Customer: replied 5 years ago.
I have another question. Something he has been saying has been bothering me. In the begining he was all about no strings attached and I should be out dating and having a great time. As I was preparing to leave for a trip to Tahoe with my best friend he told me to have a great time but remember that any men I meet in bars are bad. All men in bars are bad and to watch out. Now its moved to telling me to just lay low and do what makes me happy but remember to lay low. Seems he's gone from date who ever to other men I may meet are "bad" to lay low. Am I misreading this? What should I take of this? He has told me to lay low several times.....
That doesn't send the clearest message. You are right. He needs to say what he thinks and do what he says. He seems to want to have both a girlfriend and a playmate. If he has something to say then say it. Feel free to tell him that too. He is really trying to put holds on you and date on the side when he feels like it. Have him clarify - now - and where is this going. Confront him so that he knows you want an answer. If you let him think he is making sense then he will think he is. Unless you don't care, then just go about your business and leave it alone. He will get the message when you find someone else
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Customer: replied 5 years ago.

Thank you. I was begining to think maybe i was missing something. He needs to own up to his feelins or intentions at the very least. There is no putting holds on me while he tries to figure out what he wants. Either he wants me or not. Looks like maybe I will just move on while he figures it out and he better hope I am still around when or if he does.

 

thanks for the advice!

Customer: replied 5 years ago.
The man I have been dating for 6 months told me 2 weeks ago he was in love with me after returning from a long trip, and no we were not in an intimate setting. We had just had dinner and were relaxing and talking. We have kept things pretty casual between us thus far, as he puts it no strings attached, although the relationship is much more than that but he is terrified of commitment so we leave it at that. I talked with him a couple days ago and told him i didn't think we were both on the same page as I wasnt sure I could keep doing the no strings and thought we should end things. (I am developing much stronger feelings and feel like I am just setting myself up for failure - didn't put it that way to him though) At first he thought I wanted a committment and went into his speal about not getting tied down to anyone. I corrected him and told him I wasn't trying to tie him down. Them he became very defensive and harsh with his words telling me to quit refering to us - there never was an us and never would be. Why would he tell me one week he was in love with me and the next be so vicious? His words have cut deeply. For the future how do I avoid making the same mistake - misunderstanding?

I admire your ability to resist the temptation to settle. You are right. When 2 people want such separate things, it doesn't work.

 

Try to find a relationship that is honest from the start, where you both want the same things, and have the same values. If they say things like I don't want a commitment and you do, end it immediately. Don't try to find a middle ground when you know you won't be happy. Some is trial and error but if you stay focused on what you need, what you want, and what you need, you will be fine. Look for commonalities over differences. Find someone that respects you through honesty and integrity.

 

His change up is not surprising. He does not value a relationship so he has no problem becoming easily confrontational and vicious. He doesn't value the person's role in his life. That tells you that you did the right thing.

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