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psychlady, Counselor
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 6892
Experience:  I have over 16 years experience in treating adults presenting with a variety of relationship issues
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9 months after I had an affair which I felt i engaged in after

Customer Question

9 months after I had an affair which I felt i engaged in after running away from reality from doing what i'd always done with my beautiful wife of 17 years, i.e talk to her, I locked myself away and numbed myself with drugs during a mad 4 months with someone at work.Although i take my responsibility for deciding to commit adultery, i believe was targeted and fell for the flattery. I have always been a family man but betrayed the trust and vows I thought I would always adhear to. I feel i don't know "who that was."I went AWOL. During the last 9 months we have talked, my wife has been angry, tearful and violent though there is a desire to stay together.I love her (and our 2 boys) and she still loves me.I understand the need to talk about everything though I also hate even mentioning "it" or the other woman but I know it has had to be talked through completely to help the healing process.I am transparent with e mails, phone calls and decisions on dealing with the situation which has resulted in finally the other woman leaving work.Sometimes films, news etc ALWAYS seems to have something to trigger the subject of cheating and it can sometimes feel as if we are right back at the beginning when the affair was discovered.I was weak in trying to stop it and not transmitting that clearly when I should have done .I am struggling inside myself with wishing it was done and finished and we can "get back to how it was" and knowing that it will take ...well.. the time it will take.I have been depressed (though taken no medication) and I feel I can't change my personality enough to deal as proactive and quicker than my wife would like. I have always been someone who would rather not deal with reality bt now I know I have to engage far far better than ever in my 56 years because I want to be with my friend and soulmate.She cannot forgive and says things will never be the same but wants to stay together.The romantic in me wants it to be as it was. Am I being too unrealistic? and how can I change and start to feel OK in myself to go forward and not listen to the voice in my head that says "You should still be as you were, getting your own way". I am not a serial adulterer and it has never happened before in my marriage. J.
Submitted: 5 years ago.
Category: Relationship
Expert:  psychlady replied 5 years ago.
You are right that things will never be the same because you would need a magic wand. However things with time and effort can be good again. Right now she is feeling hurt and insecure. Talking is the best way to get past this. There is no other way. However try to touch her level of security by showing her that she is special. Do whatever you can to make her feel important. Marriage counseling is great but it has to be a joint effort. You may want to find some free options first. Maybe at your church etc. You also can engage in counseling alone. This will target the reason you have cheated without hurting her even more. I strongly suggest that. They can also give you tips after meeting you to salvage the marriage. Whatever you do remember that after an affair women often wonder if it is something lacking in them so try to show her that it was your actions not reactions to her. Try to make her feel that you are willing and she is important enough to start over. Try to get the romance back

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