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Jennifer
Jennifer, School Psychologist
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 397
Experience:  Extensive experience fostering family relationships through consultation / counseling.
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My boyfriend just found out that he has a 2.5 year old son.

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My boyfriend just found out that he has a 2.5 year old son. The mother just decided to tell him right after christmas. since then he has completely shut me out. He broke up with me and during the break-up he said that he loved and missed me and that he would be checking up on me. He said that he would let me know as soon as he found out any more information on his situation. Since then we have talked through text but he has been very short and just said that he thought that I had agreed to give him time to figure things out. When he got mad he said are you in denial that we broke up? I asked him so we really are broke up? He replied i just don't know how to communicate with you just leave me alone for awhile. I asked him to say goodbye and he did and I said is this goodbye forever. He replied that i would hear from him when things settled down. I said ok and good luck. He said thank you! you will hear from me soon and goodnight. So what do I take from all of this? Does he really want to be with me and what do I do when I do hear from him? I am completely in love with him! This is a long distance relationship by the way! Why is it that when I asked him " so are we really broke up?" his reply was I just don't know how to communicate with you, just leave me alone for awhile. Why couldn't he just tell me yes we are not together or no we are just taking a break
Submitted: 3 years ago.
Category: Relationship
Expert:  Jennifer replied 3 years ago.

Jennifer :

Hello and thanks for using Justanswer.com! It sounds as though he definitely needs some space to figure out how this will change his life. He has a lot to deal with emotionally and is likely trying to define what his role will be as a father. It's good that you're respecting his request for space while he sorts through it all. I'd trust that he will contact you when he's ready since he said that repeatedly and know that right now he likely realizes he can't offer what he wants to in a relationship. I think he will contact you. You won't know whether he wants to be with you again until he's adjusted to this new version of "normal." Give him some time... When he does contact you, try to be supportive and ask if he's had a chance to consider what he wants from your relationship (if anything).

Jennifer :

As for why he couldn't say "yes we are not together" or "no we are just taking a break" -- It's possible he's not clear on this either. Either way, though, it would imply that you're taking some time apart. Neither of you may know how long it may be before you're together again or if you'll remain apart at this point. Try to stay busy by devoting some time to things that make you feel good about yourself and spending time with those you care about. If there's a project, volunteer opportunity, or new hobby you've been putting off, perhaps now is the time to do it! It may help you to pass the time until you're both more clear about what's going on between you.

Customer :

So does it seem to you that he still cares for me?

Customer :

I have made him mad because I have text him too much so now I am not texting at all. I just really do not know if he even cares about me anymore

Jennifer :

I think he does still care about you, but doesn't know how to fit you into his life right now. Smart of you to not text for a while if he was feeling crowded by that. Give him some space and see what happens. If you still haven't heard from him several weeks from now, I think it would be fine to send a message that simply says you're thinking of him and hope things are going OK.

Customer :

Im so afraid that I have lost him forever! Yesterday I had called him and was just like I miss you and just need to hear the sound of your voice. He was upset that I called him and said I cannot just call him whenever. I said I loved him and he said I know you do. I asked him if he loved me too and he said yes. I think I said I loved him a couple more times without even realizing and he got mad and said you don't have to keep saying it over and over. It's like it has become an obsession. Do you think he was being honest when he said he loved me. And do you really think I will hear from him again?

Customer :

have i already pushed him so far away that he will not contact me?

Customer :

hi thank you for taking the time to talk to me

Jennifer :

I think it's safe to say he was feeling a little smothered. Bear in mind that he's likely on an emotional roller coaster these days. I don't think he would have said "yes" if he didn't love you -- Sounds like he's being pretty direct with his feelings otherwise even when they aren't what you want to hear.

Customer :

so here is a text from him i had said please don't let this tear us apart and he replied tear us apart? are you in denial that we broke up? stop texting me if you can't send just one. I will blcok your number and change mine if you don't start playing by the rules

Jennifer :

I do still think you'll hear from him eventually since he said that repeatedly. If you don't, just give him some time and then you can contact him. Keep it simple and not overwhelming, though. What he'll need is your support -- not any great declarations of your love or what you want from him as far as a relationship goes. He already knows how you're feeling and what you want. I'd wait and see how he's feeling and what he says when he contacts you after the dust settles.

Customer :

I guess I worry that I will not hear from him. Have I smothered him so much that he will never talk to me again? He just found out a week ago monday and we have only been broke up for 4 days

Jennifer :

Ouch. He's definitely feeling overwhelmed and it's clear that you did break up. Even if you'll get back together in the future, I'd consider this a break up for now based upon what he said. Definitely avoid calling / texting at this point. Was this how everything was left off?

Jennifer :

That text was your last contact?

Customer :

no after that I said well can you at least say goodbye and he said yes goodbye and i asked him if it was goodbye forever

Customer :

he said I would hear from him when everything settled

Jennifer :

Glad it ended with that instead of the other text. Take his word on it and give him the space he needs.

Customer :

I said ok well good luck with everything and I will always be thinking of you and he said thanks, XXXXX XXXXX hear from me soon. goodnight

Customer :

that is the last i heard from him

Jennifer :

That's much better. Avoid contacting him for now... Give him LOTS of space to adjust to this ordeal and when you get to the point where you can't wait any longer (preferably several weeks!) it's probably safe to send the simple, supportive text that just says you hope things are going well and that you're thinking of him. Leave it at that and see how he responds.

Jennifer :

In the meantime, consider how you might cope with the change yourself... What can you do to occupy your time and focus on other things? Might help to take your mind off all of this.

Customer :

ya i sent him a text after just saying how i had been selfish to the whole situation and that from now on I am hear to listen whenever I am needed and to clear his head of me that I was sorry I have not understood what he was going through

Jennifer :

That's good. Leave it at that. He knows you're there for him if he needs you.

Customer :

i told him that i knew he would contact me as he said and that i would just be there to listen....was i wrong in texting him that and did i ruin my chances of hearing from him because I still text him

Jennifer :

You might push him away if you continue texting. He's made it clear that he wants space and needs time apart (texting / calling included) in order to sort through everything that's going on. Respect that request by NOT calling or texting for now. You'd hate to risk overhwhelming him to the point that he no longer wants to contact you. Better to wait.

Customer :

ya I am not texting him or anything but do you think I have already damaged that? I mean the last thing he said was that I would hear from him soon... I am scared i messed up when i text him after that

Customer :

i just need closure, we really have not got to talk since all this happen. Even when we broke up it was like he was in a hurry and could not wait to get off the phone with me.

Jennifer :

Try to remember that you want to support him and be there for him. Right now supporting him means giving him the space he needs to work through a difficult time in his life. It sounds contradictory, but it's really not... By honoring his request, you're doing what he needs right now. I don't think you messed up with your last text. It was a nice way to end the discussion -- You didn't say anything overwhelming or demanding. It was a statement of support.

Customer :

the text was like 5 hours later though.

Jennifer :

You may not get closure until he contacts you again. It's difficult, but you certainly don't want to ruin the chances by trying to force something before he's ready. I think it's fine that your text was 5 hrs later. It just shows you thought things through. If you haven't texted since, that's good.

Customer :

No I have not text him and he was texting me at work by the way. I am so worried I will never hear from him again. This man had told his brother that I was going to be his future sister in law and all kinds of things. Could he really just drop me like that and never talk to me again?

Jennifer :

I don't know what he'll want when he's figured all of this out. I'm not sure if he even knows. It sounds like he will contact you, though, and at that point you'll both have had some time to think about what you want from your future and whether it means being together again.

Customer :

so how long do I wait? I mean this is the first day that I have not contacted him and I have heard nothing from him. does it mean that he does not love me or miss me when I don't hear from him

Customer :

Im sorry I'm driving myself crazy over here

Jennifer :

No. If you don't hear from him, all it means is that you haven't heard from him. You can't know why and you don't want to jump to conclusions on the matter. The only reason you know for sure is the one he's given you -- He needs time apart. Wait a few weeks at least. My hope is that he'll contact you before you contact him. Try to remember that he said he does love you and that you will hear from him. He said that it wasn't goodbye forever. Hold on to that and the fact that you're respecting his wishes by giving him the space he needs. I'm so sorry, but I have to sign off now. I'll check back tomorrow to see if there's anything further you might need regarding this question. In the meantime, I suggest you do a few things to help you cope... Start journaling if you don't already. A journal is a great place to reflect upon how you're feeling, sort through it all, and make goals for your future. Writing it all down sometimes helps when it comes to difficult situations. Part of your journaling may also include a plan for what you might do during this "break" -- Volunteer work? New hobby or project? Community class or recreational club? What are some things you could do for YOU that would help you maintain a positive attitude, feel good about yourself, and help you get through this adjustment period? I wish you the best of luck with all of this and hope he contacts you soon!

Customer :

Thank you for your help! I am sorry I wish that I was not having such a hard time with no hearing from him. Your time and patience has meant a lot to me and it kept me from texting him! I keep thinking how on earth could he go without texting or talking to me. We talked everyday for hours for 4 months. He just came all the way from new york to visit me just before we found all this out. I really hope you're right and that I will hear from him one day!

Jennifer, School Psychologist
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 397
Experience: Extensive experience fostering family relationships through consultation / counseling.
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Jennifer
Jennifer
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397 Satisfied Customers
Extensive experience fostering family relationships through consultation / counseling.