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psychlady, Counselor
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 6892
Experience:  I have over 16 years experience in treating adults presenting with a variety of relationship issues
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I recently broke up with a guy I had been dating for three

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I recently broke up with a guy I had been dating for three and a half years. I struggled with what to do for about a year and after receiving some good advice on this site I realized the relationship needed to end. Basically it was very one sided. As long as he ran the show and I never required anything for myself we were fine. We got along well one on one, but I started feeling uncared about and taken for granted. He was also verbally abusive and occasionally violent, but never put his hands on me. I have gone to counseling about the relationship and she recommended I block his number and email address and never look back. I took her advice at first, but after running into him at work I began to crumble. I unblocked him and we began talking. There is so much I still love about him and I want so bad for him to feel sorry about the past and begin to make the effort to win me back. He is trying very hard to keep me in his life, but making no real effort in the remorse or repair department. He said he's afraid to put himself out there because I'll end up leaving him anyway. So, my questions are: Why is he trying to keep me around and say all the right things, but not back them up with action? Is he afraid or continuing to play me till he finds someone else? What should I do? Phase him out? Block him again? Work through this with him? I've told him what I need to continue a relationship, why hasn't he done them? I feel terrible closing the door, but end up feeling empty and confused when I continue to talk to him since he's not doing the things I asked for. What do I do??? Thanks.
Submitted: 5 years ago.
Category: Relationship
Expert:  psychlady replied 5 years ago.
It sounds like you are doing what I caution against - if it didn't work the first time, it doesn't work the second time. He may very well be playing you. He knows you are vulnerable, willing to put up with his behavior and has feelings for him. You are ripe to him to manipulate and should really try to move on. The biggest issue remains that if he has been violent then he is still violent. He hasn't changed. He's just better at hiding it. I caution you to move on to a relationship that is respectful, fulfilling and positive. You are going in knowing it doesn't work and it's unhealthy. He is just manipulating your feelings - that is what abusive men do. They don't respect women. They use them. You already know he is selfish. Why settle for that. Abusive men also know how to say the right thing. They Are good at that too. There is also a honeymoon period with abusers. They are wonderful, caring, charming and respectful until they get mad again. This is a dangerous game to play and I bet you know that you deserve better.
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