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Ask Dr. Shirley Schaye Your Own Question
Dr. Shirley Schaye
Dr. Shirley Schaye, Doctor
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 1673
Experience:  PhD-Psych; Certif. Psychoanalyst NPAP& NYFS; Memb.APsaA;IPA; Pub.Author; Teach/Supervise Therapy
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My boyfriend just found out that he has a 2.5 year old son.

Resolved Question:

My boyfriend just found out that he has a 2.5 year old son. The mother just decided to tell him right after christmas. since then he has completely shut me out. He broke up with me and during the break-up he said that he loved and missed me and that he would be checking up on me. He said that he would let me know as soon as he found out any more information on his situation. Since then we have talked through text but he has been very short and just said that he thought that I had agreed to give him time to figure things out. When he got mad he said are you in denial that we broke up? I asked him so we really are broke up? He replied i just don't know how to communicate with you just leave me alone for awhile. I asked him to say goodbye and he did and I said is this goodbye forever. He replied that i would hear from him when things settled down. I said ok and good luck. He said thank you! you will hear from me soon and goodnight. So what do I take from all of this? Does he really want to be with me and what do I do when I do hear from him? I am completely in love with him! This is a long distance relationship by the way!
Submitted: 6 years ago.
Category: Relationship
Expert:  Dr. Shirley Schaye replied 6 years ago.
Thank you for contacting Just Answer. I am very sorry to hear this. What devastating news!!!! It seems to me that your boyfriend is in a state of shock. Of course, how can he not be. Pay attention to what he is saying hard oh, as hard, as that might be. Do not call him. Do not text him. Give him some space and time to figure things out. If he calls you, on the other hand, be supportive, loving, and caring. If let's say he says you haven't called me or texted me ( even thogh he told you not to ) say that you really love him and care about him and wanted to give him some time and some space just as he requested. You can also tell him, rest assured that I love you and I want to respect your wishes and whenever you are ready, please call me. If you do want to talk about this, I am here for that, as well. BTW, as an aside, I don't know any of the circumstances but if he has any doubt whatsoever if this child is his he should have a DNA test.
Dr. Shirley Schaye and 2 other Relationship Specialists are ready to help you
Customer: replied 6 years ago.
yes he is taking all the legal steps but my question is does it seem he just wants me out of his life? Am I setting myself up for failure?
Expert:  Dr. Shirley Schaye replied 6 years ago.
It does not seem that he wants you out of his life. I don't think he is thinking about that. He was literally hanging on for life. But this I am addressing to you about you. Sorry, I can get protective. I know you didn't ask me this but I feel it is my professional, ethical obligation to mention it. We need to get a definitive medical report. If he is, in fact, this disabled permanently, do you want to be in his life.
Customer: replied 6 years ago.
I am not really sure I understand what you mean when you say disabled? Do you mean because he has a kid that he never knew about? is that being disabled? I'm confused by that reply
Expert:  Dr. Shirley Schaye replied 6 years ago.
OMG, I am so, so, so very sorry. There was a technological error. This response was meant for someone else. Of course, you're confused! No, no, no, he ids not disabled --- the response was meant for somebody who had a cardiac arrest.Please accept my most humble apologies!
Customer: replied 6 years ago.
so can I still get my answer? Im freaking out here and I really just need to know if it seems he cares about me or does he want me out of his life
Expert:  Dr. Shirley Schaye replied 6 years ago.
Now, to respond to you. Give him some time. If after a little time he is still avoidant then bid him good-bye. Absolutely, if he cannot come around soon then you need to move on with your life. Be understanding for starters but if he doesn't pull himself together you're right --- don't set yourself up for failure.
Expert:  Dr. Shirley Schaye replied 6 years ago.
I'd say, give it two weeks at most. Then if you haven't heard from him tell him that you cannot put your life on hold.
Customer: replied 6 years ago.

one more question sorry. he got mad in a text when I said don't let this situation tear us apart. He replied tear us apart? Are you in denial that we broke up? I replied saying "so we are broke up" Steve I don't want to lose you. I just thought I was giving you time to figure things out and that we were just taking a break.


His reply to me asking "so we really are broke up?" was "I just cannot communicate with you. Just leave me alone for awhile please.


Why did he not just say yes or no to my question because this leaves me confused and waiting to know what is going on.

Expert:  Dr. Shirley Schaye replied 6 years ago.
Oh... I see that's very different! A very, very different story. I won't curse but I'll say this ---- he could go F**K himself. How dare he treat you like that. This makes the picture so very different as I already said. No, no, no! You do not need to put up with that. It's one thing as I have said before --- to be patient and caring and undersatanding because he just heard such devastating news but tis is not tolerable. I mean is it leave me alone for awhile or is it did we break up --- two very different things!
Expert:  Dr. Shirley Schaye replied 6 years ago.
I'd love to continue withour chat but it is very late here and I need to get up at 6:00 AM so I hope you don't mind if we continue with our chat tomorrow. I have a break at 10:00AM. If that's not good just enter what you want to enter in this chat and at 10:00 AM I'll check in and respond. . Hang in there--- we'll talk some more.Good night. TTY in the AM
Customer: replied 6 years ago.

Yes I know, he even at one point said I am sorry for putting you through this. I know this is hard but I have a huge situation over here. This does not sound like a break-up to me

Customer: replied 6 years ago.
<p>Well I don't want to tell him anything like that!  I love this man and I don't want to jeapardize losing him.   Please help me to keep this man!</p>