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psychlady
psychlady, Counselor
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 6886
Experience:  I have over 16 years experience in treating adults presenting with a variety of relationship issues
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I need to set free of bitter feelings towards others who have

Customer Question

I need to set free of bitter feelings towards others who have done me wrong this year & last year. Due to they attend my church, when they try to talk to me or are around me, I just look at them with an empty eye. I'm not two faced for one thing. But these bitter feelings is not letting me trust anyone any longer.<br /><br />1.  <a href="http://s3.amazonaws.com/f01.justanswer.com/TXgirl1969/2011-01-05_035044_letter_to_mark_ab_probs_w_him.doc" target="_blank">Letter to a guy friend</a> only who did me wrong for over one year which I should have stopped immediately and ended the friendship. This friendship was for 3 yrs length. one reason I didn't end it is because I had no other friends at the time. Good or bad that is what I did. Mind you he attends my church & at other events.<br />2. A 50 yr old woman who got stopped for DWI. she told me about it when we were not that close and I guided her to get a lawyer and the law. After that, she in front of a man she was interested in, made me look bad to make her look better.  Mind you she attends my church so I see her every sunday & at other events.<br />3. My brother stealing my company name.<br />4. A man from church who I chatted at a relationship class at church during a team discussion had the nerves to tell me that I'm a sexual woman. I have never talked to him about sex. I talked to him later about this and he apologized. But, I know he is pervert and a womanizer. <br />5. A woman who asked me what my sign was. After I told her I was a cancer she said that Cancers are moody ppl etc. I got offended bc the way she said it. Mind you, I hardly know this person & she attends my church.<br />6. A man from church who got offended and told on me by me telling him that a girl in our bible study need to be in a dinner group where another friend of hers is at bc she doesn't drive and depends on a guy friend.<br />7. A girl telling some other guy that my voice is annoying. I bring this one up to show how ppl are very disrespectful towards me.<br /><br />I another counselor told me that these ppl are insecure and is why they do this to me bc I show security in my personality.
Submitted: 3 years ago.
Category: Relationship
Expert:  psychlady replied 3 years ago.
It's a shame that your dealings with your church has been in part negative experiences. You are right that you need to ignore them or allow them to apologize and accept this completely. Don't have people apologize if you are not in an emotional place to receive. For instance forgiving your father may be a lot harder than someone who said something hurtful. Work on forgiveness in the true sense. Have your church work with you on this. Work on your own recovery because you are more important to you than anyone. Or possibly chalk it up to ignorance and don't wait for any apologies. Go on as if it will never happen. Work especially hard on your relationship with your father - that you can't substitute. Find a way to be humble and better off emotionally. Don't let anything compromise your need to be okay. Maybe find your interests in other thing that are not at church. Or have your pastor counsel you or even have a sit down between you and the other person. Voice your feelings and see if they can get this with the help of someone like your pastor. I get the feeling that you don't want to switch churches but that is the last possibility
psychlady, Counselor
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 6886
Experience: I have over 16 years experience in treating adults presenting with a variety of relationship issues
psychlady and 3 other Relationship Specialists are ready to help you
Customer: replied 3 years ago.
This is just the negative side. I've had some good times too that over ride the bad. Obviously, my problem is not with the good situations.

My pt is they don't apologize. Yes, I am in the emotional place to receive apologies. I would take an apology in a minute. That's not the problem at all.

My brother has not even apologized. He thinks its funny that I'm hurt and angered by him stealing my company name. So, I don't speak to him at all. He has no remorse.

I know I need to work on forgiveness. Its hard when these ppl don't apologize. They must not care then. They all know they were rude or ugly to me. I do tell them and set boundaries as well. But the woman who got the DWI, switched and did the reverse psycholoy act. I haven't spoken to her as a friend since. She does attend two groups where I'm a leader. I make face bc its business not pleasure. I no longer talk to her outside of church. I only do bc I have to in some situations.

I had thought about your advise about ignoring it bc these bitter feelings is giving them too much power and hold on me. Neither of them is worth that to me.

There is not point in sitting down with the other person when they think nothing of what they did. I take it to bad character flaw in their case.

I had to report the Mark deal to my singles pastor bc he was harrassing me at church. The pastor spoke to him to stop it or he will be kicked out of the group. It seemed to have stopped so far.

My pt is when I'm around any of these ppl, my inside gets steamed. I have a very low tempered person. So, for them to have this kind of effect is serious. Hence, why I wrote this posting for help.

Forgiveness is with me & God to help me. I don't trust these ppl at all bc they have bad character flaw bc they don't care how they have treated me. They are very selfish in my eyes. If it were the other way around, I would not hear the end of it or hear them backstabbing me. See, I'm better than that. I thought of killing with kindness. the only thing with that, it makes me feel they think what they did is ok. So, currently, I ignore of all them unless I have no choice because of church events or such.

Brother is going through some medical probs. Previously, I would have called for support. Now, I do nothing but ignore. I take it as he is being punished.

The strange thing all these ppl are looked by others as good friends. They must not do this to them bc they have respect.

What is it that they feel they don't have to respect me or my boundaries as a human being?
Customer: replied 3 years ago.
I even told the Mark guy to get counseling for his issues and I would support him through that and be his friend. He chose not to so I'm not longer his friend. He took his issues out on me bc I was the one always around him. Lack of respect for one thing.
Expert:  psychlady replied 3 years ago.
I agree with those who are selfish often don't get the point and they blame their actions on you. Often they don't wake up until it is done to them. That leaves few choices except to move on. I know this limits your choices. If you let them treat you badly then they will. So that leads to the solution of leaving others behind but then your support system is limited. But it is better to have 2 friends that you really respect rather than more. I know it seems that others are treated better but you are not doing anything wrong. So build a system from selected people. Find other activities that offer social outlets. Sometimes family can be the people that hurt you the worse. Concentrate on family that treat you well. That may not be everyone. Concentrate on people that are positive and nurturing.
Customer: replied 3 years ago.
I don't let ppl treat me badly. They do it once & that's it exception to my old friend ,ark. I stayed only in that one bc I had no other firiends at that time. I finally had enough & ended it w him. Since then, I have one great friend who I can say anything to. Great support system. I have developed a serious romantic w a man. I'm started to develop more female friends which I lacked of before. So, things are much better since ending that one friendship.

As I mentioned I do not talk to any of these ppl unless I'm forced to bc of church leadership that I'm involved with. I am also a leader w a local christian social group as well.

I need to move on & not let these ppl get under my skin. They are not worth my time & effort for sure.

funny thing, I'm the one whom they turned to when they need advice or support system but they turn on me as soon as they get what they want. This is making m not to help anyone any longer. My church encourages helping others especially me as a leader. The high % of ppl axting this way @ first w me is vwry high. That's why I posted thi problem. I'm very resourcedul is why they come to me for help.

thanks! I do need to move on. Me posting this issue is ,y first step in resolving this. What are the steps after this for forgiveness or to get over these bitter feelings?
Expert:  psychlady replied 3 years ago.
I don't think you do either. I think other people take advantage. And they like you because you are kind. Find the positives in you which you do well through church. But now disengage (as you have) and move on emotionally. I know that's vague, but the only way to do that is to discontinue anything negative. What they do from there is not your concern. Feel yourself disconnecting emotionally and mentally. You have a great support system. Replace these with a few new friends. As far as getting what they want, do not ever concern yourself there because karma is a you know what. It is up to you whether you want to help them, because you owe them nothing. Send them to someone else in the church.
Customer: replied 3 years ago.
I don't help these ppl any longer. I completely crossed them out of my personal life. I only see them bc they are in my church class.

thanks for info.
Expert:  psychlady replied 3 years ago.
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