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Jennifer, School Psychologist
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 397
Experience:  Extensive experience fostering family relationships through consultation / counseling.
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My girlfriend of a year and a half has given me the ultimatum,

Customer Question

My girlfriend of a year and a half has given me the ultimatum, that she will leave if I ever smoke weed again. I dont think that it is a big deal, I love this girl more than ever. But the thing is, is that sometimes I get together with friends maybe even family that I havent seen in a while and sometimes I feel that a hit off of a joint will feel better than having a celebratory drink.

I have cut back on smoking greatly and I havent done it around her in over 9 months. I dont feel the need to do it by any means, but the fact that I have told her that I do it every once in a while really bothers her. She doesnt want to accept it just the slightest bit, which I can understand, but the way I think sometimes is that I am a safer person by hitting some weed rather than having a few beers. I dont want to tell her that I will quit forever and never do it again, because if I were to be sitting around a bonfire or somethin on a special occasion and hit a joint, then that makes me a liar to her. And I do not want to live by the saying, "what she doesnt know wont hurt her" because I love her too much for that.

I have a different thoughts about weed that she does, and I have tried to explain that to her. She feels that marijuana is a drug and that is the end of it. She would rather have me endulge in alcohol rather than pot. I have been pondering and thinking like crazy about what to do about my girl. I have already came past half way and I rarely even smoke anymore, she wont compromise at all, she wants it gone. What am I supposed to do?

The only thing that comes between us is this, except for the fact that I let her know that she needs to pay attention to the attitude that she has. I find that she deals with problems way worse than I do. I am pretty laid back, easy going, I have a job as an electrical engineer, brand new car, very motivated, handy with all tools, very athletic, and very active on an everyday basis, I don't sleep in... unless it is with her, cause I love spending time with this girl. If there is any advice, to give, knock some sense into me. Thanks
Submitted: 6 years ago.
Category: Relationship
Expert:  Jennifer replied 6 years ago.

Jennifer :

Hello and thanks for using! Maybe it would help to think of this as a difference in values instead of the particular beliefs regarding weed. Obviously she thinks it's a much bigger deal than you do, but at the end of the day it comes down to whether you want to respect the values of your girlfriend. She wants to be with someone who shares her belief or is at least willing to respect that value by avoiding drug use. There are many times when I think partners ask too much of each other and expect them to change to a degree that is unreasonable. It sounds like quitting isn't all that far from where you are now since you've cut back considerably. I would even go so far as to say that quitting would be good for you (for obvious reasons). In that sense she's making you a better person. I'm not saying it's easy, but making an effort to make this change would be worthwhile. I think you're right that saying you'll never do it again might be setting yourself up for failure. Instead, you could tell her that you recognize how important this is to her and because she's so important you want to try very hard to do what she asks. Tell her you'll be honest with her if there are times you slip -- quitting anything we've grown accustomed to is harder than we expect -- but that you do promise to give it your best effort. It truly sounds like you love this girl and want to make this relationship work. Perhaps part of the conversation you have with her should be about what you benefit from occasional use -- Are there substitutes the two of you can come up with that might meet the same needs? Making this something you work on together might make it seem less like something she's demanding of you and more like something the two of you are working on to strengthen your relationship.

JACUSTOMER-61qm5b90- :

Thank you for the response, my question for you now is that, alright lets say that I do just as we have discussed here and let her know that I am going to do my best but not make a complete promise that says "i will never do it again." What is my response if she wants no part of it, what if she says that she can only deal with me if it is gone forever. How do I respond to that? At what point do I realize that she may not be willing to comprimise at all. At what point do I draw the line when I am trying to respect her and make a big step for her and I. At what point do I realize that she works in a fashion of "my way or the highway." I would like to think that she has some respect for me too and try to understand why I do some of the things that I do.

JACUSTOMER-61qm5b90- :

Jennifer I have not accepted yet because I had asked another question that I would like to hear a response for. Thanks and look forward to hearing from you.

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