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Dr Rossi
Dr Rossi, Licensed Psychotherapist
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 4627
Experience:  Certified Hypnotherapist, Author, 13+years of experience.
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Id recently been dating a guy over the phone for over 3

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I'd recently been "dating" a guy over the phone for over 3 months faithfully(we knew each other from elementary but haven't seen each other in about 18 yrs).. we've exchanged a huge surplus of pictures over 3 months time.. we were both extremely attracted to each other physically and emotionally, had a lot of things in common such as wanting a family, etc. We hit it off so well, that we'd decided I'd move in a year to start a family together. I could go on and on, but to make this short, we met after those few months and everything went well except... he was not sexually attracted to me. He says everything was perfect about me, and I was a good woman, but he did not have that feeling. I'm still baffled after 2 months have passed as to why he felt that way. Will you please shed some light or hope?
Submitted: 3 years ago.
Category: Relationship
Expert:  Dr Rossi replied 3 years ago.

Hi,

 

Different factors may be causing his behavior. 1/ he is associating the relationship you have with the fact that you've known each other for a long time and somehow this makes it awkward for him 2/ the relationship did not start off as a romantic one but rather as a platonic one, 3/ he felt in a safer zone while the two of you were having a "long distance" relationship and then became scared when you met 4/ he's uncomfortable pursuing a sexual relationship because he feels a deep emotional relationship and respects you too much. He may be afraid that he'd loose that if things don't work out b/w the two of you otherwise. Any other factors only known to him may be contributing to this. But, if you think that there is a chance for his feelings to change, you can keep your options open. Individuals that enter into arranged marriages learn how to love one another even sexually. So, yours won't be the first case where sex and physical attraction comes up later in the relationship.

Customer: replied 3 years ago.

We kept going over & over with each other before meeting that this was not a game, we're too mature(32) to play around with emotions, and we wanted the exact same things in the future. Sex did not even have to take place for me.. just the fact of him wanting me would've sufficed and that could've occurred far in the future. Of course I do not have the most perfect body, who does?? But he knew exactly how I looked from head to toe before meeting, so I cannot see it being anything physical. He'd also let me speak to his 8 year old son from time to time, explaining that he knows his son would love me and he telling his dad that he thinks he's in love with me... We'd exchanged several meaningful gifts, we even talked about what size apartment we wanted, him telling his family all over the states about me, baby names, etc... it was that serious; this is why I don't know how it could have went south so quickly. As as matter of fact, I was the one more skeptical than anything and he 100% ready; but, I was happily surprised after meeting. This was one of the most contributable relationships between both partners emotionally & materially(neither of us are materialistic). He cooked for me while he was here, we went out, he cared for my dog. I wish we'd met as friends first, but, unfortunately we cannot take this back. I poured my heart and tears out to him, letting him know how I felt about us. I'm still open for reconciling but I'm not certain he is. Yes, the relationship happened fast but this is what we both wanted. I felt as if he's scared also, and that since the distance between us is so great, that I'll back out or cause drama. No, I was willing to move from TX to NV because I believe in compromise. It's hard to go from literally talking to someone from AM-PM everyday of the week to calling or texting maybe once a week now. I try to control myself as I know I cannot force him to change his mind. I just hope he realizes that I would have been there for him and he's missing out.

Customer: replied 3 years ago.
I appreciate your earlier response. I've elaborated a little more on our relationship and wonder if you have any other input. Thanks!
Expert:  Dr Rossi replied 3 years ago.

It may have nothing to do with you. Don't think it is because of how your body looks. If someone thinks about that, it would be a superficial relationship based only on sexual attraction. When people fall in love, the "in love stage" wears off. Then they are maturing as a couple.

It is possible that he is emotionally n

not ready for a big change. It may have felt easier/safer to talk about it but when actions were required, he's gotten cold feet. It may be also an issue related to his own sexual inadequacy. This is only a speculation. Let's say he has ED or low libido, etc. he's projecting that onto you instead of admitting what the issue is.

 

When you poured your heart to him, he may have felt overwhelmed feeling that things are moving way too fast. Only he can elaborate as far as what is going on in his head. If he is honest, whatever had caused this reaction in him, he should be able to let you know.

 

Something else to think about is whether or not there are others in his life ex, family, friends, etc who may be influencing him.

Customer: replied 3 years ago.

I can't really accept it being the body image either, because he did say he was attracted to me physically and knows I was working out and in the process in losing weight, as we both were.

On the other hand, if you are attracted to me physically, mentally, and emotionally.. where is the sexual part.. especially since this was definitely on the agenda for his visit. This is what I do not get.

So, I do see there being some other type of influence as to why he's changed his mind so quickly. I asked if it was because he was not ready.. he says no. We've been very honest with each other from the start, so I would hope he'd tell the truth.. as I'm willing to work out any hurdles.

I guess this is now out of my hands and can only hope he see's that our relationship is worth more. Thanks for your help! You have really put my mind at ease.

Expert:  Dr Rossi replied 3 years ago.
I just came upon some information that may help explain what is going on with him. It relates to the way people's attachments influence their behavior towards romantic partners. Your style if different, can cause this behavior in him. There is also a quiz to help you see your style
Dr Rossi, Licensed Psychotherapist
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 4627
Experience: Certified Hypnotherapist, Author, 13+years of experience.
Dr Rossi and 2 other Relationship Specialists are ready to help you
Customer: replied 3 years ago.
Thank you very much. I took the quiz last night and will read over the other information later.

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Dr Rossi
Dr Rossi
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Certified Hypnotherapist, Author, 13+years of experience.