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psychlady, Counselor
Category: Relationship
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Experience:  I have over 16 years experience in treating adults presenting with a variety of relationship issues
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My wife and I have been together for almost 3yrs now. She entered

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My wife and I have been together for almost 3yrs now. She entered the relationship with a 2yr old daughter who's father has passed. We got pregnant after three months of being together and I'm certain that it wasn't an accident. She said she was taking her birth control, but I later found out that it wasn't the case. None the less, I was a little frustrated that this had happened because I wasn't ready and our relationship wasn't mature enough to handle such stress. Or better yet, I was freaked right out and didn't handle the stress well. I had started a new job, we had just moved into together and were looking for a house to purchase and I was slowly developing as an alcoholic. She moved into a depression and stayed there for almost 2yrs during and after the pregnancy. Over that time, I became more and more progressive in my disease, bought a house just after our son was born, went away to treatment and returned home only to honeymoon for a couple of weeks and then move right back into the same frustrations and problems we had previously. We decided that it was necessary to have a separation in order for each of us to work on ourselves so that we could heal and be better for each other. During which time, my wife decided to start looking elsewhere for companionship on a dating site. She ended up finding someone that is exciting and new to her and that has a lot in common with her. I have moved back home because I was sick of being taken advantage of and being forced out of my house and away from my children and I'm determined to find a solution to save our relationship, not only because I love her with all my heart, but for the children as well. She continues to sway back and forth from saying that she still loves me and wants what we once had to talking to this other guy behind my back and rubbing it in my face. she says that we have to separate and go our own ways and that maybe someday, we will get back together, but in the meantime if she has to date other guys to find out who she is, then that's what she is going to do. My question: Am I being played for the fool because she knows that I still love her very much? Should I just accept this and move on? What will this do to my children?
Submitted: 6 years ago.
Category: Relationship
Expert:  psychlady replied 6 years ago.

It sounds like she is moving on but anything is possible. You may want to work on the relationship but that has to involve 2 people not 1. To give you words of encouragement, there are many children who are raised by one parents or separated parents and are just fine. The key is to provide them as much stability as possible, be as kind to each other as possible, show them love and that it isn't about them, and to have and spend quality time with them. As a loving father, you can probably do all of these things. Children don't benefit from seeing a dysfunctional relationship or a negative one.


As far as your girlfriend, I think she has already said I am moving on and also behaved as such. Her behavior alone says she is back playing the field and has begun to put her emotions elsewhere. Save yourself the heartache by moving on as well. You can always hold a small amount of hope regarding reuniting. But your energy needs to be spent figuring out how to separate on the best terms possible.


In addition, this is going to be an emotional time. Don't use this as an excuse to drink. That harms the children more than breaking up does. Find a solid and reliable place for your sobriety now such as AA - not when you are at your saddest.


The longer you stay listening to I love you's that don't matter is longer that you won't be living independently

Edited by psychlady on 1/4/2011 at 9:46 PM EST
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