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psychlady
psychlady, Counselor
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 6886
Experience:  I have over 16 years experience in treating adults presenting with a variety of relationship issues
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My partner and I broke up last March. It was completely amicable,

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My partner and I broke up last March. It was completely amicable, probably too much so. He was afraid he couldn't give me what I want out of life long-term and didn't want to stop me finding love with someone else.
However we remained in contact and started seeing eachother again. Things were great. We didn't row or even bicker, the time we spent together was amazing, we both said so. But the problem remained that we weren't back together and I went on three dates. He knew about these dates and that I kissed these dates. This didn't seem to be a massive issue. We continued to spend time together, went for dinner, dates, slept together, everything a young couple would normally do. But whenever the subject of us moving forward came up, we made no progress. I always made it clear that I was single by his choosing and that if he wanted me back in his life as a permanent fixture, he would have to ask me. We continued as we were making no actual progress, but enjoying our time together. Then in September (nearly six months after we split up) I met up with an old flame and we had a one night thing. Unfortunately this coincided with a weekend that brought progress to me and my partners situation. He found out a week later and feels that I've cheated on him. I pointed out that I repeatedly asked him about our status and whether or not it was changing. It wasn't as if I sat idly by and didn't try to progress forward. As far as we were both concerned we weren't together. But he still considers it cheating. We decided to work on things since September and in some ways things are ok. Except he is having trouble allowing himself to be intimate with me. We've had sex, but he says it doesn't feel right. Sometimes it feels forced. He has only kissed me twice since September and that drives me crazy. Some people can't do without sex, I can't do without kissing. He says it means more than sex and just can't. He wants to, but he can't. When we have sex, he doesn't kiss me. We both want to move forward, but don't know how. Can you help?
Submitted: 3 years ago.
Category: Relationship
Expert:  psychlady replied 3 years ago.
Try to find the romance again. You may not be able to transition to sex right away if he feels it was cheating. He feels betrayed and that can add emotional or physical problems to the relationship. Try to be patient while reassuring him that you have become committed to him. Guys don't always see things as gradual (like we are sleeping together but not exclusive); they tend to see things as black and white - you cheated on me. Try to build the intimacy by making a concerted effort to do so. Schedule a date night and plan something really special. Isolate time for you too. If you cook dinner put out candles. Make an intimate evening with wine and snacks. Make him feel special ; he doesn't feel so if he sees it as cheating. Try to make an effort towards making him feel that he is the only one and that can lead to better intimacy
Customer: replied 3 years ago.

I've tried all these types of things. He's enjoyed them too. We've gone away for the weekend, gone out to a nice resturant for dinner, sat in for dinner, I've cooked, he's cooked. Sat in with a movie, or without a movie. Candlelit dinners, nights in front of the fire. etc.

He doesn't even have a fear of me going off with anyone else. I think in his heart of hearts, he knows that I didn't see us as being together and believes me when I tell him that if we were ever to get back together, I wouldn't do anything like this to hurt him. He has even accepted that he is partially responsible for my hurt and confusion that may have led to what happened. I think (looking back now) it may have been a way to prove to myself that I wasn't waiting around for him to decide whether he wanted me or not. He accepts that, but says that it doesn't help him. He pictures me and this guy together when we're being intimate. He wonders if I think of him when we're having sex and he just will no kiss me. I've suggested couples counselling and he said no, that it won't help.

Expert:  psychlady replied 3 years ago.
I don't believe that you had motives either because of his ability to reunite. However his thinking that you think about this guy can only be addressed through hard work, time and effort. Unfortunately because "thinking of him" is mental this has to be dealt with through the passage of time, concerted effort, and a lot of attention. Try your best to see this through through continuing some of your efforts. The only thing that will convince him of thoughts that are of another guy is reassurance and a total dedication to your relationship. As he becomes less insecure, he will also become more open and willing to participate in sex. He will also become more adventurous. Right now he is hurt and that restricts one from being emotionally available some times.
Customer: replied 3 years ago.

Thanks. I thought doing what I was doing was all I could really do to help ease the situation. I just wanted an unbiased opinion as to what I've been doing or what, if anything I could do differently.

 

We're just both a bit weary as it feels like its been ongoing a lot longer than just from September as obviously we were in limbo before that from last March. Just don't want to be broken up a year before we actually break up. We'll be with eachother for three years next month and I suppose I just don't want to have to pass that landmark in a haze of confusion. Just have to be there for him when he's ready to let me. Any other tips though, anything else I could do would be greatly appreciated.

Expert:  psychlady replied 3 years ago.
It sounds like you have approached this with an open mind. Try to be clear and concise but decide what is best for you and him. Give each other the room to hurt but not indulge each other. Deal with your own pain and be sympathetic with the situation and him. I encourage you as you said to figure out what you want once and for all before this landmark Make a decision based on both emotions and common sense. Have a sit down discussion between you so you are both clear and go from there.
psychlady, Counselor
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 6886
Experience: I have over 16 years experience in treating adults presenting with a variety of relationship issues
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