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Suzanne
Suzanne, Therapist, LCSW
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 919
Experience:  Experienced in treating trauma, relationship issues, co-dependency
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Does he still want to be with me

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so my boyfriend just broke up with me about 3 days ago...since then I have had trouble eating and sleeping. He found out he has a 2.5 year old son. The mother hid this from him and even faked a miscarriage. When all this happened i asked him if he wanted me to support him and if he wanted me in his life and he kept saying he did not know. I never could get him to answer me one way or the other. Well he ended up breaking up with me but when he did he said i do love you and I do miss you. He said he would be checking up on me and that he would let me know as soon as he found out more on his situation. since then we have fought and he said are you in denial we broke up but before he said i thought you agreed to give me time to figure things out. I am confused, does this man want me in his life. I asked him point blank, I said so we are broke up? he replied I just don't know how to communicate with you, just leave me alone for a while. the conversation ended with him saying that I would hear from him soon! Does this guy want me or not! I am completely in love with him and don't know what to do?  this has been a long distance relationship and he told me that he wanted time to figure things out but I wanted to know if he wanted to be with me and he just said he did not know.  I kept bugging him about an answer and he just said maybe we should just break up.  Why would he tell me what is going on with his situation if he does not want to be with me.
Submitted: 3 years ago.
Category: Relationship
Expert:  Suzanne replied 3 years ago.

Thank you for bringing your question to Just Answer!

 

I can read the pain in your note, and am sorry your new year has started this way.

 

It sounds like your boyfriend got some very shocking news recently about having a young son. If I understand your note correctly, this is what led him to break off the relationship right now.

 

When we care about someone, we also want them to be happy...even if it is not with us. It sounds like he is trying to figure out where he will fit into his son's life. This is a huge issue to deal with.

 

This is not the time to appeal to this man with your needs. He is most likely overwhelmed. Fights or pleading about how much you need him too will only serve to push him further away.

 

If you want to have a chance at getting him back when things calm down, you need to be his safe port in the storm and a drama-free zone. He is probably torn up with guilt that he hasn't been in his son's life (even though he didn't know he existed) and really will need time to focus his emotional energy on the boy.

 

This really is one of the few times that that saying about "if you love someone, let him go..." is most likely true.

 

Telling him that you will do whatever it takes to support him means that you listen when he tells you what he needs--which right now seems to be some time apart. I know it hurts, but how you handle this situation will have a big influence on whether the two of you get back together. The more you talk to him about your needs, and try to make him worry about you (" I could not handle losing him") while he is in this crisis about his son, he will just feel like you are another crisis --and this will make you feel like a problem to him, not a lover.

 

Lean on your girlfriends for support right now, and try not to be 'needy' when you hear from him. Keep the focus on him and his problem. Stay calm, and really listen to him. Try not to ask questions about when he's coming back to you or if he still loves you. Show him you are mature enough to know that finding out you have a son is a life-changing event, and that he can count on you if he needs a friend.

 

If he can talk to you about this without having to feel guilty because you are hurting, the more likely he will keep calling.

 

No one can tell you how this will work out in the end. Staying calm and keeping the focus on him and his crisis is your best way of increasing the chances of getting back together when this all calms down.

I wish you all the best,

Suzanne

Suzanne, Therapist, LCSW
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 919
Experience: Experienced in treating trauma, relationship issues, co-dependency
Suzanne and other Relationship Specialists are ready to help you
Customer: replied 3 years ago.

so when I asked him point blank "so we really are broken up? His reply was I just don't know how to communicate with you. Leave me alone for awhile please. Why didn't he just say yes we are done. When I ask if this is goodbye forever, he said no you will hear from me when things settle down. I miss him so bad that I can hardly function! Today was the first day that I was able to go without texting and I have not heard from him. Do you think I will hear from him again? I had called him yesterday and I asked him i had told him I loved him and asked if he loved me. He said that yes he did love me but I could not be calling him whenever I want and that he needs a clear head.

Customer: replied 3 years ago.

thank god you are online! you are the only one that seems to be helping me with this situation

Customer: replied 3 years ago.
I will add a bonus for your reply. I am really struggling this morning!
Expert:  Suzanne replied 3 years ago.

Good Morning!

 

The reason he didn't just say yes, you are done is that he is trying not to hurt your feelings.

 

He's being pretty clear with you...but you're in a lot of pain and are not hearing him clearly, because deep down, you know that it is probably over, and that thought hurts too much. I think there is a very good chance that he is trying to let you down gently by saying he loves you but he doesn't want to talk to you. I'm sorry, but this is probably true.

 

Men hate to hear women cry, etc., so they will often try to get out of relationships without actually saying goodbye. Most of them are strong physically, but are somewhat cowardly emotionally.

 

I wish there was a way to take away the hurt you're feeling...but there is no known cure for heartache.

 

You're doing the right thing by not contacting him. You will only force the issue, and it will end badly if you contact him.

 

Judge how a man feels by how he acts, not by what he says. He is acting like he doesn't want to be with you, because he doesn't want contact. And he isn't saying that you will be back together when things calm down...just that you will hear from him. Again, he is taking the easy way out.

 

I see you're online also, and I have time for one more exchange before I leave for the office....

 

 

Customer: replied 3 years ago.
So there is no chance that he really does love me? Are you saying that it is over completely and that we will never be back together? He has told me in the past that he just needed time to figure things out and he only said this when he was angry with me.this is the same man that flew across country to see me just two weeks prior to this information.  He is from new york and I am from new mexico
Expert:  Suzanne replied 3 years ago.

No, no one can say it is completely over except one of the two of you.

 

How did it go when he was visiting?

Did you sense any distance--did he seem preoccupied?

How many times have you actually spent time--more than a week-- together?

How did you meet? Is this an on-line romance?

Customer: replied 3 years ago.
<p>we were in the military together and hooked back up after we both got out of the service. It did not seem as though we talked as much when he went back but he was under promotions and could not really talk at work. Should I just ask him point blank if it is over? We have never spent more than a week together. Most of our relationship was over the phone but we knew each other from the military and I have known him for 8 years. We did not really get along in the military. I really appreciate your straight forward answers even though it is stuff I really did not want to hear.  I do love this man and I think that he has feelings for me too.  I think that new circumstances have changed things and made it very difficult for us to be together and he knows that.  I am going to try and move on and if he contacts me then he contacts me and if not well then he was not worth being with anyway.</p>
Expert:  Suzanne replied 3 years ago.

You have already asked him if it is over: "so when I asked him point blank "so we really are broken up? His reply was I just don't know how to communicate with you. Leave me alone for awhile please"

 

Instead of waiting for him to make the decision--which is giving him an awful lot of power over you--I would encourage you to think about if this relationship is really giving you what you need. It doesn't sound like it, from what you have written. You may have had a sense of knowing each other from your common experience in the military, which could lead the two of you to think there was a love connection. It sounds as if he, at least, is re-thinking things.

 

I would really encourage you to spend some time thinking about what you want and expect from a relationship. It's hard to imagine how things would go from "I just don't know how to communicate with you" to marriage or a long-term committed relationship.

 

The fact that the two of you didn't get along that well when you were both in the military also casts doubt on whether this is a true love match.

 

You might want to check out the book Temptations of the Single Girl (you can find it online if your local bookstore doesn't;t carry it). The temptations she talks about are settling for less than we really want, accepting behavior that doesn't treat us with respect, etc.

 

Even if you asked him, and he said something that kept you hanging on longer--would it all be worth it in the end? Do you see him moving to be with you--especially now that he has a son? Do you want to be involved with someone who's going to be in the midst of "baby mama drama" for the next few years?

 

I don't expect you to answer those questions online--they are designed to help you figure out what's best for you in the long run--regardless of what he eventually decides.

 

If you'd like to talk again in the future, put "For Suzanne" as the first words in your post. I hope our conversation has been helpful, even if it didn't give you the answer you were hoping for...

Suzanne

Suzanne, Therapist, LCSW
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 919
Experience: Experienced in treating trauma, relationship issues, co-dependency
Suzanne and other Relationship Specialists are ready to help you

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