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Ask Rev.Dr. August Abbott Your Own Question

Rev.Dr. August Abbott
Rev.Dr. August Abbott, Clergy
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 7322
Experience:  Ordained minister: Counselor (spiritual/life)
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I have been reminiscing lately from looking at high school

Customer Question

I have been reminiscing lately from looking at high school pictures and talking about old times with a long time friend of mine. I've started to have feelings for a guy that I went to high school with. Actually, I've known him since grade school. He was always sweet. I have seen him at a few high school reunions, and it has been 8 years since our last reunion when I last saw him. I always liked him as a person. He was always sweet to me and everyone spoke highly of him. I don't recall ever having romantic feelings for him in high school until recently. I'm trying to understand why all of a sudden now that I would have these feelings for him. I'm remembering all conversations that I've had with him in high school and reunions.

I'm beginning to wonder if my feelings for him were there and just didn't realize it. I know this does sound weird and may not make any sense, but I'm trying to understand why I would have these feelings for him after all these years.

Thanks for your help.
Submitted: 3 years ago.
Category: Relationship
Expert:  Rev.Dr. August Abbott replied 3 years ago.
- You have no idea how common this is and generally what's happening is a perfectly normal "mid-life" (or there'abouts) crises. Even if your life is good and you're happy, there's a craving for those years we had raging against the machine rather than being part of it. It's hard to be "anti-establishment" when we ARE the establishment.

---
Another thing that often happens is a quest to re-buy our best years via old toys, games and other favorite things from the days we might not have noticed were as happy as we now think they are.

Yes: As happy as we now think they are.

Here's the problem with the fantasy about old school friends, even though we might see them repeatedly at reunions, we are only getting an 'on their best behavior' glimpse of them. When they go back to their real life afterward, we don't really know what the years have done.

--- The guy who has 8 men working for him turns out to be a housepainter with 8 others working with him .

--- Your imagination can make your feelings as real as can be, but keeping it in perspective is important.

It's like deciding to get that toy, game or whatever from those years - when you finally have it, it's fun to be able to touch and see again, but then what? You realize that it's not part of who you are right now. It's part of who you were.

Chances are that this old friend is the same. And the worst thing to do is pursue it. Most of the time the endings are huge disappointments when you find out the other person doesn't think or feel the same way; or that life has been less than kind to them and they have some deep issues and lots of baggage.

In some cases, sure there are happy endings, but I'm afraid that for the majority of them, it's something one looks back on with wishes they let it stay at the fantasy level.

---

Better to go on the quest for a different favorite thing from those years gone by. Whether it's a Robbie Robot or Atari Video Game System; a portable record player or 8-track player - re directing your focus is not just going to be helpful, but once you actually get the treasure you seek, you'll likely discover it was so much better when you were seeking, rather than having.

---

Good luck

Customer: replied 3 years ago.

No, I will not pursue this old high school classmate. I already know some things about his life today already, both professionally and personally. He is very successful at what he does and I'm not surprised. He was a very driven and dedicated person back in high school and I'm sure he still is today. Hmmm...mid-life crisis? I heard of people of buying old toys or dating someone younger and even pursuing a former flame but this was not the case for me. He was just a sweet acquaintance that I remembered and I guess I'm now regretting not getting to know him better back then.

 

Thanks for your advice.

Expert:  Rev.Dr. August Abbott replied 3 years ago.
-- We all wonder about the road not taken in our lives. Anyone who claims they don't or hasn't, is being less than honest with themselves.

--

Remember too, successful doesn't mean "happy" or content or even good. Look at all the Hollywood stars over the decades who have everything they could ever imagine and yet self-medicate their inner demons and pain with drugs and alcohol, among other things.

---

Not until we live with someone can we really know.

---

And mid life crises or events take all sorts of shapes and forms. It might be the usual buying a sports car, taking a trip to some exotic land or jumping out of a plane (w/parachute of course), but it is more often and less popularly reported as periods of angst, depression, mood swings, or even borderline obsession with something or someone from the past.

---
Fortunately this isn't happening with you and you recognized that there's a fantasy (a "what if") going on that you wanted to better understand.

I've seen many, many people pursue these things and seriously, deeply regret they did. Perhaps the more recent that stands out for me a lady who moved thousands of miles to be with her old sweetheart after the 30 yr reunion re-introduced them.

She then discovered he was an alcoholic, not quite out of his last bankruptcy and living in a tent in Montana. Before moving she was convinced he was a business owner without any debt and his own home. All, literally speaking, 'true'. He freelanced doing odd jobs (business owner), no debt = bankruptcy and he owned the tent.

True story!

---

Also keep in mind that your friend (and you) are not the children you were. The person you'd be getting to know at this point wouldn't be the person you're regretting not getting to know back then.

Still, the fantasy part is well worth hanging on to as long as you know that's what it is.

Which I'm pretty sure you do. You're smart and very insightful

Rev.Dr. August Abbott, Clergy
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 7322
Experience: Ordained minister: Counselor (spiritual/life)
Rev.Dr. August Abbott and 2 other Relationship Specialists are ready to help you
Customer: replied 3 years ago.

Thanks for your input. I was looking for that verbal slap on the hand or wrist to give me some insight as to what was going on with me. Wow, it only took one picture (that was recent) that brought all this on in the first place.

 

When you said that we're not children anymore and that the person that I want to get to know is the person that I regretted not getting to know better in high school, that is so true. We're not teenagers anymore. We're different people. Time to move on.

Expert:  Rev.Dr. August Abbott replied 3 years ago.
-- Remember, moving on doesn't mean we don't take with us all the days we've already lived.

We are all the sum total of every moment, every path taken and every opportunity not taken throughout our lives.

Keep this in mind as you look ahead the same number of years you've already laid behind.

You'll be fine. I find you very intelligent and thoughtful. Good insights.


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