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psychlady
psychlady, Counselor
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 6886
Experience:  I have over 16 years experience in treating adults presenting with a variety of relationship issues
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I recently slept twice with a woman Ive known for 2+ months.

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I recently slept twice with a woman I've known for 2+ months. We had a discussion on protection, STDs, etc. before sleeping together and we have continued to talk. Yesterday, I brought up the fact that we are both in fact still dating and it might happen that we sleep with someone else. I told her that I would want to know if she sleeps with someone and I, of course would tell her if I do. (I have no intentions of doing so). Depending on the circumstances, I would have to make some decisions if she did sleep with someone. What are your thoughts on my approach to this? Your suggestions? Thank you.
Submitted: 3 years ago.
Category: Relationship
Expert:  psychlady replied 3 years ago.
It depends on the status of the relationship. If your deal is that you can see other people, then the key is honesty and communication. This is great until someone gets serious. Then it leads to hard feelings. If you want an exclusive relationship, then you both have to be in agreement. It gets very complicated if one wants a relationship and one doesn't. If you are set on sleeping together and being exclusive then you may need to be patient. Try to lay out the ground rules. Couples don't do that because they are scared about the answers but it saves a lot of heartache. Go from those answers
Customer: replied 3 years ago.
We are open with each other. We are not ready for exclusivity. <br /><br />But she also told me that if I sleep with someone else, she does not want to know (!) <br /><br /> I *do* want to know if she sleeps with someone else. <br /><br />But is there anything inherently unworkable with what I'm asking? I've done this before. And twice I slept with someone else AND told my partner. It's unusual. The first time was a mistake, really - a one-night-stand. And the second time happened when I was separated from my partner for 2+ years (in the Peace Corps). Both times I told them I might see other people and they were free to see other people...BUT we had to tell the other if we had sex with someone else. I did tell (not easy).    Both were hurt but respected my honesty and up front behavior and we continued our relationship.<br /><br />Again...does my suggestion make sense or is it psychologically/emotionally/physically dishonest or naiive in some way?<br /><br />Thanks!
Customer: replied 3 years ago.
Relist: Incomplete answer.
I asked for a detailed answer to my specific way of addressing an issue. The answer did not address my specific concern.
Expert:  psychlady replied 3 years ago.

I just wanted to give you some additional advice. I encourage you both to if possible to let each other know that you are interested in someone else. This can treat a dating relationship more respectfully. Let your girlfriend know you are interested in someone else and decide mutually whether the present relationship will continue. A mutual or individual decision can be made at that time

 

If you sleep or she sleeps with someone you should discuss whether the present relationship is worth continuing. Discuss your specific options since it may not sit well with the other person. If it does continue, set up ground rules that will respect each other's desires. Make sure that you are truly addressing these concerns

 

If the relationship is to be ended bow out gracefully and honestly.

Customer: replied 3 years ago.
Thanks...but I think that, perhaps, I'm not explaining this well. Let me clarify.

We are both dating using eHarmony. We are both receiving suggested matches. I am not interested in someone else in particular. It's just that I'm interested, for the time being, in dating a few different people. It's been a while since I dated and I would like to continue doing so.

The problem is figuring out how I set up an intimate and honest relationship with her while I continue dating.

I've suggested my method (sleep together and continue to date others, but tell if we sleep with someone else).

If possible, I would like your comments on thesse method and soome options for other methods?
Expert:  psychlady replied 3 years ago.
Now I understand. eHarmony adds an interesting layer. An intimate and honest relationship per see means that you are exclusive to some people but not others. If you want to develop an intimate relationship with her and date on this site, then you have a duty to tell her that you have respect for her but the intention to continue to date via the internet. I would make this clear pretty much in those words. If she calls it off then so be it. If she doesn't then that is all I would share; you have let her know. I wouldn't give anymore information except to say - Yes, I am still looking; do you want to continue seeing me. This would also be needed for anyone else you see. You need to be honest but avoid specifics - this can be hurtful. Maintain this consistent pattern throughout. If you find your want to become exclusive let her know that too. You can still sleep with others. This just puts her on notice. Don't wait until you sleep with someone in particular say this from beginning. If she asks say I don't really want to go into it. That way you are not talking about other people but the situation in general. Leave her with enough information to make an educated decision. You both have this option too
Customer: replied 3 years ago.
Wow...your answer forces me to re-think the line between honesty/openess and insensitivity. I had a psychiatrist say a similar thing to me.

Before I wrap this up, please tell me if this makes sense: Acting according to your suggestion means that I will need to accept some risk here of STD's and to minimize that risk, I must wear protection all of the time and accept the fact that, as long as we are not exclusive, I may never know what she is doing and with whom.

Correct?
Expert:  psychlady replied 3 years ago.

That sounds like the road I was going down. Right. I am not trying to sound insensitive just that openness in this situation would be too much information. Just be open not so much that someone gets their feelings hurt. As far as diseases, that is always a possibility because of the world that we live in. Beyond telling each other your intentions the rest is unnecessary

psychlady, Counselor
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 6886
Experience: I have over 16 years experience in treating adults presenting with a variety of relationship issues
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