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psychlady
psychlady, Counselor
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 6886
Experience:  I have over 16 years experience in treating adults presenting with a variety of relationship issues
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I have been in a serious relationship since june 2010 she is10

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I have been in a serious relationship since june 2010 she is10 years younger than me. I am 57, we rarely fight. madly in love since we met, she told her sisiter the day she met me she was going to marry me. in november her company transfered her to Napa, ca we had lived in the palm springs area, 565 miles away now. . week before christmas we looked at wedding rings and have talked seriously about it fro several months. she is in a house as a roomate there. it has made our situation very difficult. heer job is very demanding and she has pressured herself. I was supposed to go see her for new years, she asked me not to come saying she needed some time alone, to focus on her job, I reluctantly agreed, she has been texting since new years eve, and I only respond if she initiates the texting, I have now not heard from her in a coulple of days. we are not fighting but not talking either, I love her a great deal, ! I am not sure what is going on with her or how to handle it.
Submitted: 3 years ago.
Category: Relationship
Expert:  psychlady replied 3 years ago.
I want you to solve this the best way possible - that is with good communication. The reason you are hesitant is because you are scared of the answer. Any option that she responds with can be worked out except breaking up. Have this conversation as soon as you can and use it to dismiss all of your fears. Stop doing the I don't want to text her first game. Or worrying out who has leverage by texting who first. Call her when she is not busy and when you can really talk,preferably not through texting. Open up the conversation with your fear of feeling slighted and talk . She may not even know that you are feeling insecure. You may be able to work out a very suitable back and forth that you can both live with. If she has a demanding job this can be your chance to work out a compromise. If it is something negative, you will only delay. However according to you she wants to go forward. Use this chance to work out some definite compromises to a long distance relationship
Customer: replied 3 years ago.
as an update since my first question, She called me last night, she told me she had called Saturday night but I did not answer and she did not leave a message. I did not know she had tried to call. One thing you need to know is my father is literally on his death bed he probably will not survive this week. I was with him over Christmas, he has been sick for years, She was insistent that I not come up to see her and rather that I stay with him, I told her I had talked to my dad many times about the end for him and what he wanted me to do. I told her if it was the end I would be there. I told her I was a big boy and could make my own decisions, that set her off and started the downward spiral, because of her past marriage she was always told I don't want your opinion, we discussed this last night. The other thing was she felt pressured about marriage and she is not ready, I think she was afraid I was going to ask her to marry me over new years, I was not going to ask, we both need more time. This morning, she called again and wanted to know how I was doing, what my day was like... she sounded much more normal now.(.Question) I have avoided telling her I love her even though I want to, I am trying to give her the space she needs , thinking I need to let her come back to me and maybe wait for her to say it. (Question) I am afraid our relationship will slip away if we are not able to physically be with each other to renew the relationship, and I am not just talking about sex but just sharing time together.
Expert:  psychlady replied 3 years ago.

Saying I love you is pressure but expressing your feelings. There is no good or bad time for this but let me clarify. You could say this, but counter this with "I am not trying to pressure you;; I just wanted to let you know that I love. I realize we are not in a place to get married and I am fine with that". If she feels put off then let it go. It is very difficult to be in a relationship where there is no physical interactions. That is why long distance relationships are the most stressful. The possibility of failing is based totally on you two individuals. So you need to share any need for time with each other and find a way to connect physically or otherwise. The added stressor is if one person needs more physical time than the other. But if there is communication,there's no rule that says that this relationship can't work. You probably feel worried because you are not together but you need to trust that whatever her words say her heart says too. Have faith in how sh feels about you

Customer: replied 3 years ago.
I do trust her words. but you are right about the feeling. So how do you suggest the romance stay alive when you cannot be togeather for 2-3 weeks at a time. My previous relationship moved away and we stayed in touch for over a year but I eventually got tired of waiting. I am in financial services and can move to Napa, I have been considering doing this in the spring. we talked about the move.
Expert:  psychlady replied 3 years ago.

One thing women like is romance. Send her cute things but don't overdo it. These are goofy choices but send her funny emails or ecards, leave her a sexy message, send her flowers or an edible basket. Just send reminders that you care. That way you are on her mind. Make tentative plans so that you have a date to look forward to. Just find some of your own and I'm sure they will be good too.

 

As far as moving, that sounds great but make sure you know what the ground rules are. Are you going to live together and how will the expenses be divided. Will you live nearby and maintain residences. Go in with open eyes.

Customer: replied 3 years ago.
here is my latest update, I understand I have 30 days trial on this, so I hope to get the most, I also appreciate a professional perspective you have given. . On January,3 rd my father passed away, I went to san Antonio for the funeral, on January 7th and to stay with my mom for about a week. during that time my girlfriend and I talked more and got undesirably closer over the phone, I always let her take the lead. on Monday January,10th we had a long warm talk, we had agreed I would call her at between 8:00 & 8:30 each night rather than hit or miss earlier in the day. at the end She told me she loved me, I told her that I loved her, she had not said that for about a week and I had not either, just to see if she would. she also told me she was looking forward to seeing me when I got back from San Antonio. On tuesday evening I went to see some friends that she also knew. while I was with them I called her so they could say hello, that was about 7:30 in the evening. she did not answer the phone. when I left their house I called her, at 8:30 she did not answer and did not call me back that night. the next morning she called me about 9 am, acted like nothing happened, or acknowledge that I had called, I told her we had called but she did not answer, I told her it was a little embarrassing, She flew into rage on the phone, told me I did not get it and that she was no ones embarrassment, that she was not going to be there for me 24/7 and if thats what I needed go find someone else. I told her I was not embarrassed by her but the circumstances, since these were her friends too. after she calmed down she agreed I had done " an Amazing Job" of not pushing her and giving her space, I told her I did not understand how you can tell someone you love them one night and the next go find someone else, she said I do love you, I just cant be there for you24/7, then she said I have to go, she paused on the phone for a long time then hung up. I did not try to contact her again. On Thursday afternoon I got a text from her saying her uncle had died 30 minute before, She cannot stand the guy, but she texted me shortly after she found out. she said he was now with my dad, I texted her back and said if she want to talk later I would be her, as of today at 3:30 on the 17th I have not received a text or call form her, and I have not tried to contact her. Not sure what to do, I feel like she wants to break up with me otherwise why would she tell me to go be with someone else if I did not like the way things were. but she's not really sure. should I contact her. my feeling is wait and see if she calls me. It almost feels like a stand off or mabey I am not sure she will take my call. will she think I am weak if I call her, like I am giving in. one other question I have is, since she said if I dont like it find someone else, would someone really say that if they still really wanted you? Thank you for your help
Expert:  psychlady replied 3 years ago.

It sounds like there a lot to work out. I don't understand either how you can say to someone find someone else (unless it's a test). She seems to test you a lot. People tend to do that when they feel insecure in themselves or in the feelings other people have for them. Really examine this closely because this needs to be addressed. If the one partner stops doing this behaving, then there is less uncertainly and chaos. This is alleviated by realizing that someone cares for instance "even though I don't deserve it". The drama is decreased in the security of loving behavior and unconditional positive regard. This takes major work on one or both of your parts and the insecurities that exist. Saying to find someone else is just another test.

 

Try to maintain regular agreed upon communication but don't feed into passive aggressive behavior i.e. when she is purposely not home when you are supposed to call. This only increases the negativity. and it does make you seem weaker (although that is probably not the case.) Be firm and tell yourself you are valuable so you don't give into the game. You can do this. Make yourself valuable. You are obviously a caring person.

Customer: replied 3 years ago.

Not sure what you mean by the passive aggressive behavior, I know what it means but not in this context. You mean, don't bring up the fact that she was not there to take my call? She is very jealous of my ex girlfriend who lives here in town with me but I have told her repeatedly I am not going to get back with her.

 

One oddity I have noticed about her and I have never said anything about it but others including her boss have, she repeats herself often, same stories over and over when expressing herself. she is a very emotional person. what does that indicate aboput her personality.

Expert:  psychlady replied 3 years ago.
Exactly, that's what I mean. You can make progress by not feeding in to her and anything that leads you to have to defend yourself. That is wasted energy. You can bring it up but do so strategically. I don't know that the repetition is very important. You can say something when alone if it bothers you. Being emotional can be indicative of nothing or of a mood disorder. Sometimes people who are bipolar or have depression tend to be erratic emotionally for instance. If you are on a even road across the country (this is a metaphor) then her journey has large peaks and valleys. So you get these fluctuations that aren't typical of other people. The fluctuations can be small or huge. But the even coasting is not indicative in a mood disorder
Customer: replied 3 years ago.

dont think shes bipolar, I have known some. If I call her tonight at our agreed time and she does not take my call what next? call again tomorrow night? leave a message tell her I care about her? how do I open and justify calling since we have had this long period between calls, this is the longest we have not communicated.

 

From her father to her two ex husbands she has always told me they never cared about her or her feelings or thoughts, could this all be a test to see if I am going to get fedup and run off, what is your overall assesment of this whole situation, have you run across situations like this in long distance relationships.

Expert:  psychlady replied 3 years ago.

You don't have to justify it. Don't let your focus be on that. Just do what your heart tells you to and don't worry about the reason. It definitely is a test but not to see if you will run off but to see if you will stay!!!!!!!!!!!!!

 

Yes I have run across this. Because so much depends on communication other than in person, it presents the challenges that you are facing. It's so easy to feel needy because the phone tag makes you crazy. I think you are just experiencing problems that result from two people in different areas with busy schedules and a desire to be together. The boundaries will changing as your emotions and your schedules change. This distance will always be a test to your relationship but with time you will learn to handle it better and better

 

 

I really hope I am helping.

Customer: replied 3 years ago.

You are helping me, I dont know what to do and in previous relationship I didnt care enough to try and make them work when things went bad because I was not interested in permenante relationships.I have not had that many relationships. I care for her so much, and I know under all this she cares to, its just buryied,

 

But so I am clear If she does not take my call, call again tommorrow night. or till she says dont call!

Also are there better times to reach you? what time zone r you, I am west coast.

Expert:  psychlady replied 3 years ago.
I am in Maryland. I understand that you care and you would need that clear cut sign from her that it is over. She really has done anything drastic that would discourage you completely. You just want to stabilize things. Some of being with her might just mean putting up with her little quirks - the phone thing. If this is it as far as what will aggravate you then this is not earth shattering. So just work out a compromise.
Customer: replied 3 years ago.
Hi there, Ok here is what has happened, I took your advice and called her on Monday night, she was relieved to hear from me, she thought since she said" if you don't like it go find someone else, thats what I did since I had not called her since last Wed. we talked for about 3 hours on the phone, she told me she loved me several times, I told her I loved her and cared for her unconditionally, we talked yesterday everything seemed ok, but I can tell she is extremely stressed over her housing situation, today she had a blowup with her boss because she was not getting his emails, she told him if he wanted better Internet connections he could buy her a house so she could have her own connection.( she admitted part of the blow up with her boss was her fault but she was not going to apologize) I told her I had gotten a small insurance policy that paid off on my dads death that I have had for years, she shot back and said, good for you, later she softened a little but it clearly bothered her. I told her I would give her the money she needed to move, she said no I got into this and I have to get out. things seem ok but still the underlying volatility, so as you suggested I have not had any direct confrontation. ( one thing you had mentioned the other day was this passive aggressive attitude, do you think she is based on the info you have been given. additionally, a week ago Monday, when things were good I told her I wanted to see her after I got back to California, she said she would like that. I am thinking about driving up there on Friday morning without telling her, I am afraid if I ask she will change her mind, or come up with an excuse, but if I just show up, her seeing me will bring those feeling back that seemed to be buried. I know this can back fire and I get surprised, I don't think she is involved with someone based on the conversation this past Monday, your thoughts?
Expert:  psychlady replied 3 years ago.
It sounds like the conversation was positive and that's a good sign. It sounds exciting to go up there but just make sure you aren't basing that decision totally on the fact that she may not want you to. If this is the case, it is very possible that it could backfire because it will appear as if your sole intention is to check up on her. That may not go over well. But I understand that urgent feeling of wanting to know. I am just concerned about how she will perceive your surprise visit. There is also a chance that she may be flattered.
Customer: replied 3 years ago.

not sure what to do. I appreciate your help it has made a difference, particularly calling the other night. If I accept this and close, is there a way I can reach you again later if I have more questions.

Expert:  psychlady replied 3 years ago.
You can always ask for me at Just Answer by asking for Psychlady. I am flattered
psychlady, Counselor
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 6886
Experience: I have over 16 years experience in treating adults presenting with a variety of relationship issues
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