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psychlady, Counselor
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 6892
Experience:  I have over 16 years experience in treating adults presenting with a variety of relationship issues
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Hello. This is a very strange one. Im sorry if its a bit

Customer Question

Hello. This is a very strange one. I'm sorry if it's a bit long.

I've been seeing someone for a few months. Everything seems to be going well but on a couple of occasions he's been rather nasty to me when he first wakes up. The first time it happened, I was getting up to go for work, went to give him a kiss on the cheek (as normal) and he quite aggressively pushed me away and told me to 'f*** off'. Obviously, I was very upset by this. He understood why I wasn't happy with it, but didn't feel guilty at all. As he said, "How can I be in trouble for something I did while I was asleep?"

The most recent time, which I'm currently not speaking to him about, happened on New Year's Eve. I went to meet his family and ended up at one of his friend of a friend's party. It was the first time we'd ever been drinking together. He got obliterated and was incomprehensible, I was so embarrassed. He fell asleep pretty quickly. Obviously, being at a party where I didn't know anyone, in a city I didn't know, with no contacts, I was getting angry. But the fact that he drank so much is a different matter. It was almost impossible to wake him up (I've never seen anything like it) but I managed at around 6am. Everytime he woke up, he just ignored me and went to sleep again, which started frustrating me more and I began to panic about getting home. The more I tried, the more he was waking up. But when I asked him to call for a lift as everyone was leaving, he very aggressively threw me away and told me to 'f*** off'. As I began to panic, I started pleading with him to take us home and telling him I felt stranded in a city I didn't know, he opened his eyes and told me that he didn't care and to 'F*** off' again. When I asked him what I should do, he replied to 'Get a basket and get a dog', which I think is some relation to Dorothy in the Wizard of Oz.

I would have usually just left on my own, but there are no trains on New Year's Day, and his sister was driving me home.

But when he finally awoke at 9am (!), we'd definitely outstayed our welcome and I was very upset. He was really quite aggressive and I've luckily never known that in a relationship before. But again, as he said yesterday "How can I be in trouble for something I did while I was sleeping?". He genuinely didn't feel guilty about it, because he doesn't remember it. He apologised for falling asleep, but was (and is) completely oblivious to why I'm upset. He also commented on how you're not sane of mind when you initially wake up, which is why sometimes you forget where you are.

Is he right? Should I expect him to apologise? Can people be held responsible for what they do in their sleep?

Every now and again I feel a little guilty for giving him such a hard time about it. But then I just think how mortified I would be if I'd done that to someone. When you invite someone to a place they've never been to before, I always thought you automatically take responsibility for them. I'm sure he went out on a mission to get that drunk too, which angers me even more. But at the same time I think, who am I to prevent him from having fun on New Year's Eve, I'm a grown woman who can look after herself.

I guess more than what he actually did, I'm more upset that he didn't see any problem with it. But because he doesn't see any problem with it, it just makes me think "Is it just me?" Am I being overly judgemental and opinionated? Is there any way to stop his mid-conscious aggression?

Sorry for the essay, I guess I needed a good rant!
Thank you in advance,
Submitted: 6 years ago.
Category: Relationship
Expert:  psychlady replied 6 years ago.
I am not a doctor so I am going to come at this from a psychological perspective. I am going to address the behavior he "remembers". When someone has aggressive tendencies they tend to cover a variety of situations, and this can include spousal abuse (whether you are married or not). He still 1) acts aggressively to you and 2) doesn't care that he does this. These are not good signs. I am also concerned that you have no experience in this situation and could be led to believe that this is normal or he has a valid excuse. There is no excuse for this anger and no reason to let it continue.

My second concern is that he took you to a party without telling you and then proceeded to get totally drunk. This showed inability to consider others which is not a positive trait. He seems to be very selfish and just wants someone who tolerates it as evidenced by his total lack of concern for dealing with it.

Apologize? Absolutely not. What did you do wrong. I think you have more serious options to consider. He was not sleeping when he took you to the party and got drunk. And I bet there have been other occasions where he wasn't sleeping. You deserve a guy who is not embarrassing, hurtful or rude

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