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psychlady, Counselor
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 6892
Experience:  I have over 16 years experience in treating adults presenting with a variety of relationship issues
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I have been engaged for 3 years and have known my fiance for

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I have been engaged for 3 years and have known my fiance for approx seven years .. It is difficult for us to get married because I am a caregiver to my mom of 90 years, which currently lives with me. I am 59 and he is 60. The problem I am having is that my fiance and his ex wife (she is 50) are in constant contact with each other. She calls him or he calls her. This has been going on off and on since they broke up eight years ago. After their break up they weren't speaking for a year or so so this didn't happen, then they began calling each other again and then had an argument and again didn't speak; this behavior has been happening for the past seven years and I explained to him that I want this to stop. She is a "social butterfly" and can't understand why she can't have this type of friendship. I explained to him that I am a private person and do not want this to continue. She has married since their breakup. I spoke to him several times about this and I felt very strongly about it. I spoke with him seriously,and he indicated to me that he was going to do what he wanted, and he felt that there is nothing wrong keeping in touch. He told me he just won't tell me about the conversations any more and says I am jealous and that he is lonely, and always comes up with excuses for keeping in touch with her. She is prying and is always asking questions about our lives. I told him that this is unacciptable to me and he got angry and told me to stop trying to control him.
I do care about this man and he claims to care about me but have been reconsidering and reevaluating this relationship. What is your take on all of this? Olga
Submitted: 6 years ago.
Category: Relationship
Expert:  psychlady replied 6 years ago.
I totally agree that this friendship can be annoying and inappropriate especially if he is sharing information about your and his relationship. The only way to resolve this is to talk about it so I am surprised that he is not willing to compromise. I would try to find a compromise although any interaction between them is going to be hurtful. But I am also concerned about your relationship and ultimate marriage if he is 1) not willing to let this go in spite of the fact that he is hurting his present relationship and 2) unless this is about children there really is no feasible reasons for going back and forth with your ex.

Try to find out what he is gaining through this relationship and balance this what he could lose. If at all costs he has to maintain this friendship, you may have to examine if you can have a healthy relationship that includes the ex. If he just defends this, it's unlikely to change. I would say to put boundaries on the friendship such as not discussing you but I think in reality you just want them to stop talking
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Customer: replied 6 years ago.
There are no children involved; his ex likes to gossip as she has a whole circle of friends to gossip with and always is asking questions which he will throughly answer. I believe he dosen't feel he is hurting the relationship because he tells me it is simple and innocent and say "SO WHAT" if she is gossping about us!" He even tells her when we have a disagreement or argument and she is ready to "hook him up" if he decides to break up. He has no other "buddies" or friends, as he puts it, "not socialized" I do want this to stop but I can't seem to get across how serious I am. It seems to me he is pushing to see how far I'll go. Any suggestions?

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