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Ask Dr. Shirley Schaye Your Own Question

Dr. Shirley Schaye
Dr. Shirley Schaye, Doctor
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 1673
Experience:  PhD-Psych; Certif. Psychoanalyst NPAP& NYFS; Memb.APsaA;IPA; Pub.Author; Teach/Supervise Therapy
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I have been married to my husband for nearly five years, most

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I have been married to my husband for nearly five years, most of which were wonderful. He was born in Kuwait and has Jordanian citizenship. No, he does not wish to immigrate to the US (that's the first thing people think). We are great together.

We were living in Oman (Muscat) where I was teaching and he was an assistant to the consul at the Turkish embassy (he went to university in Turkey and is quite fluent in the language). In fact, he and I share a love of linguistics (I have an MA in Applied Linguistics with concentrations in both TESOL and Foreign Language Pedagogy. I am also qualified to do psychotherapy (another degree) and hope to make a living doing that--and making jewelry (not cheap--art jewelry).

I would go to the US for two weeks to a month (I had a paid ticket and paid vacation from my employer). In summer 2008 my parents begged us to move closer. Knowing the backup for a US visa (we would have to apply for an immigrant visa to get him a green card) we chose Canada. Canadian universities actually recruit like crazy in the Middle East and with his diplomatic and other background he thought obtaining a visa was a certainty. (I actually thought the universities pretty much handled that--when I moved to Oman my contractor did all that for me). In Feb. 2009 I left Oman and went to stay at my parents' home in West Virginia. I had not lived in the US for 10 years (and still have not adjusted.

This is long one--I don't know how else to explain it. We had a good marriage and he is a dedicated, good man. He would cook and clean when I was too busy and vice versa (very unusual for an Arab man). He is a devout Muslim--a good one. I love that about him. Islam as it is in the Qur'an is a wonderful religion. People and cultures have turned it into something that is feared. But I digress.

My husband was unable to obtain a Canadian visa. Reason: 1. American wife and too many opportunities here (I don't even want to live here) and 2. Many opportunities in his home country of Jordan (which is poor--but it does have excellent universities). The student visa idea (that was his) failed. I was going after a skilled worker visa myself but waiting on his visa. He and I were to meet in April 2009 in Canada. This, of course, did not happen. He gave me a limited power of attorney and I started working his case from here. Meanwhile, I contacted Canadian friends (I worked with many in the Middle East) for any advice. They gave me names and advice. I was advised to establish myself in Canada and have him apply again--perhaps for a skilled worker visa himself. I was put in touch with someone in Toronto who was supposedly a building manager and had lots of contacts. We talked and Facebooked and I thought nothing of it.

Turned out (this was over the space of five months) his wife had left him, he had an autistic son, and he needed help with the rent. He lived right by the subway and it would be a great launching pad. I could go there, teach, (housing in Toronto is horribly expensive)--driving is risking your life! I could have a Toronto address, establish myself, and then my husband could re-apply for a different kind of visa. (Toronto is a seven-hour drive to my parents' home as opposed to nearly 20 hours of flying, not counting layovers; my parents are 76 & 77 and I really worry about them (my sister lives nearby and everything is on her shoulders--and she cannot handle things well). I thought my plan made sense.

Well, this guy turned out to be a psychopath. I am not kidding. I left my computer (laptop) on, logged into Facebook, with my Outlook (and friends' e-mail addresses there), with Messenger open, everything. He changed my status from married to my husband to engaged to--HIM! My husband contacted my parents (and so did other relatives) and they contacted me. That is how I found out. My parents did not react with empathy. They were angry with me for putting myself in that position. I was angry enough with myself--and with the psycho guy who did this. Oh, he was sick. I could not open an account in Canada because I did not have a national number. I had not obtained a visa (I was too busy fighting this crazy man). He was on the account (this was like the first day and I trusted him--I WAS a trusting person). He drained me of several thousand dollars then after I finally escaped he filed a police report against ME saying I stole money from HIM. He tried to kill himself several times while I was there. Anytime I attempted to leave he physically went after me. I could not make it out of the yard of the townhouse (and the neighbors did not seem to think he was crazy). I called police for help and they offered to take me to the women's shelter. My husband started seeing another woman (while he was in Oman--and how funny, she was Canadian and she was crazy). My father paid for an e-ticket but my laptop was almost broken when I tried to print it on the crazy man's printer. He was always at home. He could not keep a j
Submitted: 3 years ago.
Category: Relationship
Expert:  Dr. Shirley Schaye replied 3 years ago.

Dr. Shirley Schaye :

I am so very sorry to hear about your situation. Before I attempt to answer anything I would like for you to tell me exactly what is it that you are asking . What kind of help do you want. If you do this it will help me understand better what exactlyyou want help with.

Customer :

I was editing my post when you answered my question. I'm trying to give you background information. It was letting me add on, I tried to copy and paste it (since I could not send it--you had replied). It says you are offline. I am going to hit reply. I edited for two hours (it was detailed. I lost everything past what you have. I also raised the price (or tried to) because it is a complex question. I don't want to write it out again if you are offline and there is not another expert available.


I have been married to my husband for nearly five years, most of which were wonderful. He was born in Kuwait and has Jordanian citizenship. No, he does not wish to immigrate to the US (that's the first thing people think). We are great together. We were living in Oman (Muscat) where I was teaching and he was an assistant to the consul at the Turkish embassy (he went to university in Turkey and is quite fluent in the language). In fact, he and I share a love of linguistics (I have an MA in Applied Linguistics with concentrations in both TESOL and Foreign Language Pedagogy. I am also qualified to do psychotherapy (another degree) and hope to make a living doing that--and making jewelry (not cheap--art jewelry). I would go to the US for two weeks to a month (I had a paid ticket and paid vacation from my employer). In summer 2008 my parents begged us to move closer. Knowing the backup for a US visa (we would have to apply for an immigrant visa to get him a green card) we chose Canada. Canadian universities actually recruit like crazy in the Middle East and with his diplomatic and other background he thought obtaining a visa was a certainty. (I actually thought the universities pretty much handled that--when I moved to Oman my contractor did all that for me). In Feb. 2009 I left Oman and went to stay at my parents' home in West Virginia. I had not lived in the US for 10 years (and still have not adjusted. This is long one--I don't know how else to explain it. We had a good marriage and he is a dedicated, good man. He would cook and clean when I was too busy and vice versa (very unusual for an Arab man). He is a devout Muslim--a good one. I love that about him. Islam as it is in the Qur'an is a wonderful religion. People and cultures have turned it into something that is feared. But I digress. My husband was unable to obtain a Canadian visa. Reason: 1. American wife and too many opportunities here (I don't even want to live here) and 2. Many opportunities in his home country of Jordan (which is poor--but it does have excellent universities). The student visa idea (that was his) failed. I was going after a skilled worker visa myself but waiting on his visa. He and I were to meet in April 2009 in Canada. This, of course, did not happen. He gave me a limited power of attorney and I started working his case from here. Meanwhile, I contacted Canadian friends (I worked with many in the Middle East) for any advice. They gave me names and advice. I was advised to establish myself in Canada and have him apply again--perhaps for a skilled worker visa himself. I was put in touch with someone in Toronto who was supposedly a building manager and had lots of contacts. We talked and Facebooked and I thought nothing of it. Turned out (this was over the space of five months) his wife had left him, he had an autistic son, and he needed help with the rent. He lived right by the subway and it would be a great launching pad. I could go there, teach, (housing in Toronto is horribly expensive)--driving is risking your life! I could have a Toronto address, establish myself, and then my husband could re-apply for a different kind of visa. (Toronto is a seven-hour drive to my parents' home as opposed to nearly 20 hours of flying, not counting layovers; my parents are 76 & 77 and I really worry about them (my sister lives nearby and everything is on her shoulders--and she cannot handle things well). I thought my plan made sense. Well, this guy turned out to be a psychopath. I am not kidding. I left my computer (laptop) on, logged into Facebook, with my Outlook (and friends' e-mail addresses there), with Messenger open, everything. He changed my status from married to my husband to engaged to--HIM! My husband contacted my parents (and so did other relatives) and they contacted me. That is how I found out. My parents did not react with empathy. They were angry with me for putting myself in that position. I was angry enough with myself--and with the psycho guy who did this. Oh, he was sick. I could not open an account in Canada because I did not have a national number. I had not obtained a visa (I was too busy fighting this crazy man). He was on the account (this was like the first day and I trusted him--I WAS a trusting person). He drained me of several thousand dollars then after I finally escaped he filed a police report against ME saying I stole money from HIM. He tried to kill himself several times while I was there. Anytime I attempted to leave he physically went after me. I could not make it out of the yard of the townhouse (and the neighbors did not seem to think he was crazy). I called police for help and they offered to take me to the women's shelter. My husband started seeing another woman (while he was in Oman--and how funny, she was Canadian and she was crazy). My father paid for an e-ticket but my laptop was almost broken when I tried to print it on the crazy man's printer. He was always at home. He could not keep a j
Dr. Shirley Schaye :

Hi, I am back online so let's continue with our chat.

Dr. Shirley Schaye :

You there?

Dr. Shirley Schaye :

I see you are not responding. I will check back again to see if you have entered anything and then will respond then.

Customer :

Yes. I'm sorry about earlier

Dr. Shirley Schaye :

Oh, there you are,

Dr. Shirley Schaye :

No problem!

Customer :

I'm upset and shaking.

Dr. Shirley Schaye :

Tell me some more about that --- why?

Customer :

I lost the rest of what I typed. Since I did that my parents upset me even more.

Customer :

Okay Im looking to see where I left off and I'll try to be more concise.

Dr. Shirley Schaye :

That's very upsetting --- infuriating, indeed! But let's for now stay with what we have. Be concise by telling me briefly what is the question. Then whatever it is I don't understand, I'll ask more questions.

Customer :

I had been in the hospital before for physical rehab for my MS--3 weeks

Dr. Shirley Schaye :

I'm sorry to hear that!

Customer :

these are kind of connected. My family and my husband whom I love dearly, who is on the other side of the world, and who is not speaking to me

Customer :

My sister wrote the e-mail to the neurologist who shouted to me that I needed to be in the psych ward and not waste their time.

Customer :

After she found out my parents invited me here she called my cousin, a psychotherapist whom I have not seen in 15-20 years, and together they decided I was bipolar and had borderline personality disorder.

Dr. Shirley Schaye :

What's this about your sister?

Customer :

My psychiatrist at the hospital, whom I asked to see, said I have neither

Customer :

After four days my father told me I was not welcome here

Customer :

I spoke to them each day and they said they were making arrangements for me to come here

Customer :

a friend intervened and I'm here.

Dr. Shirley Schaye :

Why did your father say that?

Dr. Shirley Schaye :

Where is here?

Customer :

I guess my sister told my parents that they would never see her again if I came back.

Customer :

I was sent to boarding school at 12 and I'm quite different from my family.

Customer :

Not in a bad way, my friends would not believe the way I'm treated here-subhuman

Dr. Shirley Schaye :

What's with your sister? Where does this come from? Do they not believe what happened to you about that guy hacking into your computer?

Customer :

I pay rent, I stay out of the way

Customer :

They know he did. He also created an e-mail address in Hotmail that sounded like my name.

Customer :

He posted all kinds of weird things. He changed my password. I had an easy password. I'm so trusting.

Customer :

I accept some of the blame there

Dr. Shirley Schaye :

So, I don't understand --- why is your family rejecting you? And what about your husband? What's he doing?

Customer :

he wrote many people from that Hotmail address and from my e-mail addresses claiming to be me. They were hateful.

Customer :

He wrote one to my husband

Dr. Shirley Schaye :

What did he write? briefly.

Customer :

my husband, who was most upset, was the one who knew it was not my writing style

Customer :

OMG he called my father a wimp and told him he needed to "man up" because my mother sort of has control

Customer :

He told my mother all kinds of things because she drinks-a lot

Customer :

My sister wrote me a brutal e-mail and he wrote one back without my knowing it

Customer :

he posted things about my family on my Facebook page

Customer :

My mother was quite abusive after my sister was born. I was four

Dr. Shirley Schaye :

Whose computer was he using? Yours or another one?

Customer :

Mine, sometimes. He threatened to break it. He was huge--6'4"+ and at least 300 lbs.

Customer :

otherwise I'm sure he used his own. He had two and knew how to get into my accounts.

Dr. Shirley Schaye :

Did he ever use another to write e-mails from you?

Customer :

I could not get in myself.

Customer :

yes--this continued after I left. MSN took care of that.

Customer :

the "invented" Hotmail address.

Customer :

and I called Toronto police just to get it on the record--but I could not go all the way up to file a complaint.

Dr. Shirley Schaye :

Yes, he used the invented Hotmail address but your computer or his?

Customer :

He would sign on using his, sometimes I would wake up and find him using my computer--which is much faster.

Customer :

In fact, I had to have my things shipped to me here and it turns out he stole memory from one of my two laptops because it was the same as his.

Dr. Shirley Schaye :

But now, you are not there --- in Toronto --- is he still sending e-mails and are they from his computer, not yours?

Customer :

you asked about my family. The only thing they hold against me is multiple marriages to abusive men. My current (and I hope always) husband is not at all abusive.

Customer :

No. MSN banned him (closed the account and his personal account). I dont know what would keep him from doing it but he does not bother me anymore

Customer :

No I think I solved the e-mail problem. I was just amazed that it was my estranged husband (who was SO HURT when he saw my facebook page--apparently he really lost it).

Customer :

it was he who noticed it was not my writing.

Customer :

not my parents, not my sister.

Customer :

they don't know me, they don't believe in me.

Dr. Shirley Schaye :

I really think that you must file a formal complaint with the police and you need to consult with a lawyer who knows about computer theft so that the lawyer will hire a computer expert who will prove that some of the e-mails were sent from a different ISP. Then you can show this to your family and to your husband so that they will believe that this was computer theft and that you didn't send any of these e-mails.

Customer :

I am here waiting to go be with my husband (I hope--we had a problem and I am absolutely scared)

Dr. Shirley Schaye :

What are you scared about vis a vis your husband?

Customer :

First, he has a company in Jordan. I can work from anywhere and help him out--I've done his Web page (and other things).

Customer :

First, we were going to move to Saudi Arabia--he does business in Kuwait, Dubai, Oman, and Jordan

Customer :

That is a nice centralized location.

Dr. Shirley Schaye :

So, tell me --- are things ok with you and your husband?

Customer :

I accepted what was a generous teaching job offer in Riyadh

Customer :

I don't know

Dr. Shirley Schaye :

If your parents and sister are not there is nothing you can do about that except show them proof through legal investigation that someone hacked into your computer.

Customer :

I wasted two months because when they sent me the contract (I had to stay in the US for my visa) the terms were different. It was too late to get a job for fall semester and he had a huge order to fill in Oman--one distributor

Dr. Shirley Schaye :

What makes you not know about your husband?

Customer :

He's still there

Customer :

It may take a minute to explain.

Customer :

BTW one week after I returned here my father handed me papers to which he accidentally clipped my sister's e-mails and all e-mails that went back and forth those days. I was shocked. I got out my letters of reference and my résumé and asked if they really even knew me. I'm still having trouble getting over this

Customer :

I dont know about my husband right now because we had an argument two days ago. He is a predictable person. We decided to make it work. We believe in forgiveness and putting things behind us. We are great together. I used bad judgment in rooming with a crazy guy I didn't really know (that's what my sister reminds me of every time she sees me)

Customer :

and he started seeing someone. (I did not do that).

Customer :

I believe we can be stronger than ever

Customer :

We've talked--he makes comments like: you say hurtful things to the people you love the most (it's true)--during times of anger

Customer :

he said we will always work things out

Customer :

and right now we trust each other--I don't trust my family anymore.

Customer :

He trusts no one. He is stuck in Oman because his cousin squatted in our old apartment for several months and he had to pay the back rent--now he is having him arrested. He also took and sold our furniture.

Customer :

It is an anniversary over there so everything is delayed. I lived there so I know the legal system, I know what has to happen. The court will not return his passport until this business is complete.

Customer :

So he is stuck--it is out of his hands.

Customer :

My father is supportive of my husband and me--and my sister and mother get very angry at him for that

Customer :

they just want me out

Dr. Shirley Schaye :

Well, it seems that the two of you are committed to working it out. As for your family --- it's very easy to get the source of the e-mails checked and that could end that provided you go to a computer expert to discuss what to do.

Customer :

My mother is sure my husband is going to hurt me.

Customer :

but we had this argument and he will not speak to me--two days. He has NEVER done this. Not even "Happy new year.

Customer :

I did something stupid.

Dr. Shirley Schaye :

Well I hope you can work it out. I wish you well!

Customer :

It's difficult to be at this distance and he's staying w/ his brother who has no Internet. He has to go find a wireless connection or talk o

Customer :

n the phone

Customer :

I really need an opinion

Customer :

I'll pay extra

Customer :

I know this is involved.

Dr. Shirley Schaye :

An opinion about what?

Dr. Shirley Schaye :

What you should do?

Customer :

okay. My husband promises to call

Customer :

and doesn't

Customer :

so I call him

Customer :

and I'll wait 30 mins an call again

Customer :

then I get frustrated and call more

Customer :

and it makes him angry

Customer :

I stopped doing that and it was going well.

Dr. Shirley Schaye :

So don't call.

Dr. Shirley Schaye :

Great! Don't call!

Customer :

that is the sensible choice

Dr. Shirley Schaye :

This is what you do.

Customer :

his phone was off for over a day. That is unlike him.

Customer :

I got very concerned. People drive like maniacs there. I texted his brother and just asked him to give me a missed call if anything was wrong.

Customer :

My husband called a bit later, very angry. I should not have texted his brother. I was worried. I thought I had the right. I am on the other side of the planet.

Customer :

i have stopped the calling thing--or had

Customer :

and we were doing great

Customer :

but this anger, combined with my family telling me he's going to dump me etc.

Customer :

just made me angry. I don't get angry often. I meditate and I'm very Zen.

Dr. Shirley Schaye :

Write him a letter explaining how you feel and that you want things to work out between you and that you love him. If he doesn't answer then then you really have your answer --- that is is moving away from you. There is not much more you can do except to say what if I come there and we talk things through in person so that we can work things out. There's not much more you can do than that. The next move is his.

Customer :

I just said, "You are acting like an asshole."

Customer :

I didn't call him one. I blurted that out before I realized it.

Customer :

I have written him.

Customer :

He was very hurt. He has never called me a name.

Customer :

but I did point out to him that I did not call him one, I said he was acting like it--and I did not mean it.

Customer :

He was angry at someone (his distributor) and was on the phone with me when he got bad news (it's sorted out)

Customer :

He said horrible things to me. F you and everything. He hung up on me.

Customer :

One hour later I got the sweetest letter of apology

Expert:  Dr. Shirley Schaye replied 3 years ago.
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Expert:  Dr. Shirley Schaye replied 3 years ago.
Just Reply to me: when you have something more to add. Apropos you wanting to pay more. I don't think you can change your amount that you posted. I'm not sure. You are welcome to add a bonus though.
Customer: replied 3 years ago.
I don't blame you. I forgave him immediately. I called him, he answered and he was so sorry. I've written letters of apology, a nice letter, sent two cards, texts (until he replied to my e-mail to stop calling and texting--I sent one last text reminding of the time I forgave him immediately and carrying anger is not good. He said in our conversation (I asked if we're okay) and he's "Thinking about it." He's never gone two days like this. My parents know I'm upset. When we began the chat I had gone out of the room and my mother told me that she knew she was right and the three of us needed to have a talk. I am an adult. I need to get out of here.

What should I do? Is there anything? With our good history do you think he would end a marriage over that? I'm a wreck at the though of losing him. He's a real gem. I know that calling and texting will just exacerbate things, but I try every few hours (just once). I'll send him a text and ask him to please talk. I am physically ill over this. He probably is too. Was my saying that so horrible? THE END
Expert:  Dr. Shirley Schaye replied 3 years ago.
You're saying what you did was not so horrible. But you've got to stop calling, texting and writing EXCEPT to write this. What I've said before but add to it that you love him very much but certainly don't want to be in the position of bothering him so you will not text, call or write him until you hear from him. Again say how much you love him and that you hope to hear from him soon. Then sign, All my love, xxxx xxxx
Dr. Shirley Schaye, Doctor
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 1673
Experience: PhD-Psych; Certif. Psychoanalyst NPAP& NYFS; Memb.APsaA;IPA; Pub.Author; Teach/Supervise Therapy
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