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Ask TherapistMaryAnn Your Own Question
Over 20 years experience specializing in anxiety, depression, drug and alcohol, and relationship issues
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Oye vey..... where to begin. I am a married woman of almost
Oye vey..... where to begin.
I am a married woman of almost 18 years, and I have 4 children. My oldest daughter (23) has issues and has had them since birth. She was in special ed all her life and always told people how bad her mother was. I really never tried telling people otherwise and those who knew me knew differently, and those who didn't think I'm a dreadful mom. I was ok with that.
I stayed home with her and my other children until she was 20 years old. I drove her a lot of places, had friends over, and on and on. I always made her lunches and and our family had dinner together every night... and she had what she needed, but it was never enough for her. It was who she is and I guess I got used to living with her and didn't think much of it.
She moved out with my mother 3 years ago (that's another long story, I had no contact with my mother for almost 8 years now.... was in counseling for 3 years and was adviced to seperate from my side of the family because they were making me sick. Too long to get into, but she has not contacted me even after I invited her to lunch twice and made it clear I needed to see some effort on her part to have a relationship. She has put forth almost no effort.)
One of the reason I seperated from them was that I have 4 children and my mother only ever paid attention to Tara. At Christmas one year, my other kids watched as Tara opened her huge pile of gifts, while they only got 2 things each. Tara treatened to move in with grandma and I did not stop her. I had tremendous guilt over that but it wasn't until after Tara left that I realized how much my life was altered living with my daughter.
I began working outside the home finally and have climbed the corporate ladder at a steady pace. I love the satisfaction my job brings and the extra income has led to a better lifestyle for my family and I. I currently manage the accounting department for a fortune 500 company.
Tara lately has been getting closer in the past few weeks and that is fine. She wants me to bring my daughter over to 'her' house but my mothers how is soooo full of animal smell it is just nasty. No exaggeration here, my mother allows her dogs to deficate in the house and leave it on the carpet 'because it is easier to clean up when it's dry,' so she claims. The smell is overwhelming when you walk in and I am not about to bring my youngest daughter who is in remission from Leukemia to that house. That house is almost 30 years old, cluttered, and has the original rugs and years of stinky animals.
So Tara tells me she is going to have her birthday party in January at 'her' house and would I come. Since her birthday is XXXXX 11 and I dont' want to take my family to that house, I suggest I take her out for dinner on her actual birthday, which was yesterday. I told her to let her grandparents know they are welcome and all my children were able to make it. This Momma's heart was full of joy sitting there with all my babies, my son brought his girlfriend, we shared a bottle of wine and a very nice time.
At the end of the dinner, I mentioned to the waitress that we had three birthdays... between the 11 and the 17th, we had three people having birthdays.... Tara, my son and my mother. The waitress brought them all dessert and we sang to all three of them.
Tara began carrying on, making ugly faces, storming out of the room. Then she called my mother out of the room. Then they all sat back down and Tara continued with the faces and tears. I asked what was going on and they didn't tell me for a while. Finally Tara's friend said I ruined Tara's birthday and she used the f word to say I made it about everyone and it was only her day.
She told me she was sorry and I told her we would talk later, I took my family and we left. Dinner was over anyway, I paid the 300 dinner check without so much as a thank you, XXXXX XXXXX left. I hugged her before we left and wished her a happy birthday and she was still crying and carrying on, my mother was crying and carrying on. It was insanity at it's best and I could not wait to get out of there.
She texted me twice to apologize and I have not responded. The truth is I have no desire to repond. It's yet another time she has made me the bad guy, without regard for my feelings at all. I'm not in the mood to make her feel better and tell her it's ok because it is not ok with me. Her behavior is unacceptable to me and I'm hurt and angry that she create such a scene because we sang happy birthday to them all. If I am honest with her, she will twist it around and make it look like she is the victim. For me, not speaking with her is the best solution to this problem.
Yes, I know that is irrational and not practical, but an attractive solution to the problem, I must admit.
Since both my mother and my daughter are both this way, what do you think the best way is to handle this. I'm out of room here otherwise I'd keep writing.... lol
5 years ago.
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replied 5 years ago.
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