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Angela, Counselor
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 681
Experience:  n/a
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ex using my child to stop me seeing someone

Customer Question

i was in a long term relationship which ended this year due to no longer being able to put up with how difficult my partner was. She repeatedly threw me out of where we lived or made me sleep on the sofa and altogether made things very difficult.She also got me arrested for domestic violence (which i was found not guilty) but got a restraining order on me contacting her.We have a little girl aged 1. I left her early this year and began to see someone else which was going very well untill my ex refused to let me see my daughter because of this. She has a restraining order on me so i can not simply turn up or arrange to see her unless through solicitors which she does not respond to. I have a date in January to go to court to get access to my daughter however the ex has threatened that if i take her to court she will move away resulting in me not seeing my daughter. Recently I have began to think about not seeing the person I have been if it means I can see my daughter more often which my ex has demanded. I want to see my daughter grow up and spend time with her and do not know what the best thing to do is, whether to try again with my ex for the sake of my daughter having a family, however I do not know if it will work and I will end up in this situation again with my ex not changing or do I continue seeing who I am now, is this choosing her over my daughter?
Submitted: 5 years ago.
Category: Relationship
Expert:  Angela replied 5 years ago.
Hello my name is Angela.
I am more than happy to assist you with your questions by giving you my honest and respectful opinion.

To answer your question based on what you have shared, it sounds as if it would be healthy for you to take some time apart from the woman you are currently seeing since she does not respond to your requests to see her when you ask for the solicitors to arrange this. As a result of your entire situation with her, with all due respect, it sounds as if it is best for you to no longer attempt to see this woman and to move on from her. Also, as far as your daughter is concerned, she should be the priority over any person you may date (- the current woman or your ex). Therefore, making her a priority puts her first where she should be and then you do not have to worry about choosing a woman over her. Lastly, determine whether you want to try again with your daughter's mother based upon factors such as: do you still like her? do you love her? are you attracted to her? does she feel the same way for you? have the issues that broke the two of you up previously been resolved or will they just repeat? The above are the types of questions and answers you need to go over when you will not be disturbed and carefully think about the answers. You should not get back with your ex solely for the sake of your daughter because this will do more harm than good if your daughter is the only reason you get back with your ex.
Customer: replied 5 years ago.
The woman I am currently seeing is not causing the issue. She is very supportive and knows that my daughters best interests come first and has helped me in many was to try and get access. We disussed not seeing each other as this was the reason my ex wouldnt let me see my daughter but this has affected her quite negatively as she has done nothin wrong and i do really like her but i want to see me daughter. I do love my ex- she is the mother of my daughter and for that reason alone i will always respect her, however if i get back with her i want to demand a lot of things which may seem unreasonable but i do not want to end up here again.
Expert:  Angela replied 5 years ago.
Ultimately you have to decide what is best for you, however,based on what you have shared above, it sounds as if you really like your current female friend and that she feels the same about you. Therefore, if this is the case, you could consider continuing the relationship with her since you are already in it. Also, as far as your daughter's mother, she does not need to know that you are seeing this current woman since the two of you are no longer in a relationship and since she has used your relationship with this woman as a power mechanism to limit your interactions with your daughter. Therefore, you could consider, ensuring that your current female friend is not around when your daughter is with you due to the complications that her biological mother is creating along with not discussing your personal life with your ex. Also, it seems as if you are more into the current woman you are seeing and that you are not really into your ex at all (-being with her just for the sake of your daughter is not healthy for any of you).

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