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Suzanne
Suzanne, Therapist, LCSW
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 919
Experience:  Experienced in treating trauma, relationship issues, co-dependency
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In the past my live-in boyfriend was conversing and texting

Resolved Question:

In the past my live-in boyfriend was conversing and texting other women. He has since stopped, but it seems I am now always looking for signs he is, ie going through his phone and accusing him of cheating if I find a strange number, going through his pants. I did the same again today, and he blew up at me. I have had failed relationships in the past, and know my self-esteem is low, as I have never had my boyfriend tell me I look nice or anything. If I say any of this as part of my distrust, he tells me to not make myself the victim. Am I sabotaging this relationship with my mistrust?
Submitted: 3 years ago.
Category: Relationship
Expert:  Suzanne replied 3 years ago.

Thank you for bringing this question to Just Answer.

 

I think you may be sabotaging the relationship with your mistrust. Imagine how it would be to live with someone who was violating your privacy by going through your pockets, checking your phone, etc, and having that person accusing you of cheating even when you weren't.

 

How can he feel relaxed and loving toward you when you are showing him daily that you think very little of him? You may be thinking that this is all about your low self-esteem, but from his perspective, your behavior is very negative toward him. If a person doesn't feel respected and trusted, it will be hard for them to feel loved.

 

Rather than treating him like a criminal, stop "finding" things by stopping your investigations. If you are going to accuse him of cheating even when he isn't, he may eventually figure that he might as well cheat since he's being accused of it anyway. If he falls in love with someone else, there's nothing on earth you can do about it anyway, and vice versa. The only person in the world you can control is yourself.

 

Waiting for any boyfriend to build your self-esteem by giving you compliments is a big mistake. Self-esteem comes from the inside, not from compliments. I strongly suggest you find a therapist to figure out how to improve how you feel about yourself. If you can't afford a therapist, try to find a co-dependents anonymous group in your area.

 

When you have improved self-esteem, you will attract more reliable, healthy relationships, because you won't move in with someone who isn't committed to you.

Until you feel better about yourself, you won't be able to relax and trust other people, and your suspicions will turn out to be self-fulfilling prophecies, because you will drive others away with your accusations and suspicions.

 

Life doesn't have to be this hard...spending some time now in therapy will pay off in you being able to relax and enjoy life, whether you have a boyfriend giving you compliments or not.

Suzanne, Therapist, LCSW
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 919
Experience: Experienced in treating trauma, relationship issues, co-dependency
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