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Suzanne
Suzanne, Therapist, LCSW
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 919
Experience:  Experienced in treating trauma, relationship issues, co-dependency
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Hi!I am with my girlfriend for about 10 months and the last

Customer Question

Hi!I am with my girlfriend for about 10 months and the last two months she has loose his interest for sex and lately for me.She had a relationship for 6 years and broke up a year ago,after two months we came together (it was a relationship with huge passion- it was rough for her because his ex boyfriend had immediately a new girlfriend-the first month of our relationship she was mentioning-reporting his name all the time-we were sleeping apart-the fifth month after a trip to barcelona she came to live in my house for the holidays of summer(two and a half months)-it was fantastic for both of us-i started to feel safe and sure about her so i met her to my parents-she was feeling great too(we have a very good state of communication)-september was necessary to go back to her home in (B) where she used to live alone for five years-we were sleeping together 3 or 4 times at week,we started to go to dance and having common interests-after two months on late october she told me that she wasn't enjoying sex that she has lose her interest on sex,we talked about it and after a month she told me that the reason is that she wasn't in love with me from the beginning(she is claiming that she was saying to herself at the beginning that she won"t feel so in love ever again-i definetely saw that the periods when we weren't sleeping together she was not 100% on our relationship),we both have strong feelings about each other and no one wanted to leave this relationship,we both strongly believe that we are extremely matching and we don't want to leave this relationship because we know that i found the woman who fills me(has all the charecteristics) and the same for her,we decided to go on and see - her parents who were living 100klms in (A) far, were ready to start the reconstrunction of her home in(B) so her father moved to (B)-it was hard for her to live with her father after a six year alone life,two weeks after her's father moving to her house,she is stressed too much with the need to help her parents to rebuild the house-we were talking about our problem once a week but with no vital solution,we were slleping together at weekends-the situation became worse when her father moved on (B) and she was apart from me(her mind) and i felt this as indifference so i argued about,we decided to go on apart for a while to see what is going on but we couldn't, we have rare communication and when we met (2 times on a week now)the strongest feelings comes out with tears and hugs(I miss you,I love you,I don' want to miss you etc),she scares that if we go on for a new beginning she might feel the same again,I personally believe that she hasn't closed the cyrcle of her past relationship(realising,relaxing,gain her strength to go on her life-it was too much for her and she wanted to start a relationship with me in just two months after she broke up),I am saying to her that she must be sure for what she wants,try to get her thoughts and things in order,re-determine the meanings of love and relationship (with love and respect always).I feel her and I don't want to miss her.I am ready to exhaust all the possibilities to be with her.What is your opinion and what you are suggesting to do?

P.S.: I am 31 and she is 29 and we both had 3-4 good experiences in long term relationships(3 years)
Submitted: 6 years ago.
Category: Relationship
Expert:  Suzanne replied 6 years ago.

Thank you for writing to Just Answer.

 

I think your conclusion is correct: it doesn't sound like she has fully healed from her prior relationship.

 

My advice would be for her to see a therapist to work through the issues. Leaving a six year relationship and getting involved only two months later didn't give her enough time to process the lessons and hurt from that relationship.

 

As you noted, her ex found someone else very quickly, and that might have caused your friend to want to find someone quickly also, to comfort the hurt she was feeling.

 

It would be possible for her to work through those old issues in therapy so they don't interfere with her ability to form a healthy relationship with you. You do have to accept the possibility that even though she cares for you, this might have been a "rebound" relationship, based on need rather than on true love. I hope for your sake that this isn't the case, but you need to be aware that it's possible.

 

Encourage her to speak with a therapist and heal the old wounds so she can eventually move forward.

 

 

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