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Suzanne
Suzanne, Therapist, LCSW
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 919
Experience:  Experienced in treating trauma, relationship issues, co-dependency
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I am a female 28 year old and was in a 2 year long relationship

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I am a female 28 year old and was in a 2 year long relationship with a male of the same age that had a lot of problems. He was a heavy drinker and would sometimes lie in regards XXXXX XXXXX We were broken up for 2 years, but after one year began talking again and then decided to get back together. He was sober for 11 months when we discussed reuniting. I had been in relationships since dating him, but he was the only person I could see a future with and I couldn't get over him. I thought since he had finally quit drinking that things could work out. He convinced me that he had changed. I moved across country to be with him, he paid for my flight, ect. and everything went great for about 6 weeks. Then, for his birthday, we went out with some friends. They bought him some drinks and I didn't make a big deal about it(although now I wish I would have). He ended up getting wasted and we ended up at the friends house where they all continued drinking. It was 4am and I was tired so I called a cab for us to go home. He refused to leave with me so I left when the cab arrived and kept trying to call him, he wouldn't answer his phone. The friends had a spare bedroom so I didn't think it was a big deal leaving him there. The next morning at 8am when his brother (who we were living with) woke up, I borrowed his car to go pick up my boyfriend. When I went in the house, I found him passed out naked next to an unknown naked woman. I screamed at both of them and told him to get dressed, that we were going home. He was so drunk that I couldn't get him up and he was mumbling "i am dressed" so I know he had no idea what was going on. I drove home and told his brother what had happened. I was hysterical and crying and his brother went over there to pick him up for me. I was so traumatized I didn't know what to do so I got a plane ticket back home to my parents house. It has been 2 weeks since the incident and I have still been talking to him. I asked him if he even knew the woman or if it was just some slut and he told me he didnt even remember it(she was gone when his brother got there). I believe him that he was so drunk he completely blacked out the incident, but I don't know if I should forgive him. If any of my friends or family even knew I was still talking to him, they would think I was crazy. I don't know what to do. I am still in love with him. Should I forgive him/ continue to reconcile the relationship?
Submitted: 3 years ago.
Category: Relationship
Expert:  Suzanne replied 3 years ago.

Thanks for writing to Just Answer.

 

If you are considering continuing this relationship, which it sounds like you are, the most important thing for you to do is to first go to Al-anon (the group for people involved with alcoholics).

 

To try to be in a relationship with someone whose life is in chaos due to alcohol without the support of al-anon is to set yourself up for a life of heartache. If your bf is drinking enough to be blacking out, he is an alcoholic. To try to persuade yourself that he isn't is a mistake.

 

The most important thing to know going forward is that "What you see now is what you get". Do not go into this relationship thinking that your love and devotion will convince him to stop drinking. Most problem drinkers have to hit bottom and come to their own realization that they are out of control....when confronted by others, they will make promises they can't keep, make futile attempts to control how much they drink, etc.

 

Do you get enough out of this relationship to put up with further episodes like the one your described? Does he make you feel loved, respected, and do you know he will always "have your back"?

 

It is possible to love someone, but not be able to be in a relationship with that person. Your family and friends who love you think this is not healthy for you. If you saw your best friend getting re-involved with an ex who was an alcoholic, cheated, and lied, what would you say to her? When she said to you "but I love him" what would you say to your best friend?

 

Quitting drinking is not enough. There is being sober, and then there is being in recovery. All the good intentions in the world will not keep an alcoholic away from drinking forever...that's why people have found the 12-step programs so helpful. Unless there is something healthy to take the place of the alcohol, when the person is under stress, they will go back to drinking...it is the nature of the disease, not a moral failing.

 

Know that if you continue in this relationship you will need a lot of support. Alcoholics are not known for being dependable when they are still in their disease. No matter what you decide, it would be good for you to check out al-anon. If we are drawn to alcoholics, it often means we have some co-dependency issues that make them so appealing. Al-anon is a lifesaver for people in your position.

Suzanne, Therapist, LCSW
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 919
Experience: Experienced in treating trauma, relationship issues, co-dependency
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