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Cathy
Cathy, Counselor
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 1436
Experience:  Ms, MS.Ed., thirty years clinical practice
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Hello - Im a 30yo female. Only child. My father died when i

Customer Question

Hello - Im a 30yo female. Only child. My father died when i was 18 and my mother has remarrried. She is Japanese and my step father is Australian. My fiancee and I had been happily planning our wedding for July nxt yr when my mum and s-dad decided to start inviting people who meant nothing to us. They became very disrespectful and dictatorial over the wedding plans esp because they were contributing a large financial sum. My mother and I had a HUGE screaming match over Skype where my step dad was present and it turned out that it was HIM who started inviting people. He was very successful when he was younger and retired early however has not done anything for 20yrs and it is very apparent he feels like he is a bit of a nobody and takes it badly as he was quite the "somebody" during his career. This need to be important had rubbed off on my mother and she regularly oversteps her boundaries and asks my fiancee inapproriate questions about his salary, and our finances. I have had a very close relationship with her in the past but now that i am 30 I feel that telling eachother EVERYTHING is not healthy. Anyway - I was put on medication for depression about 8 months ago. My company has reduced me to a 50% work load and I'm doing OK but surprise surprise, according to my step dad, my mother has ALSO been diagnosed with depression and he has stated to me in a text msg that it is the "recent events" (ie our arguments over the wedding) that have culminated in this. This may have been the tipping point for her, but the daily stress that her emotional drama and over the top reaction since the argument have left me and my fiancee walking on eggshells. Eg taking forever to word and email to her correctly so it doesn't upset her, making sure to call and come up with all sorts of rubbish to talk about so it doesn't disintegrate into melodrama. It's taking over our lives. Since I was a child she has always had a bit of a "martyr" complex. Eg, "i sacrificed THIS for you. After all that I've done for you... As a mother, I derserve this/that/the other... She never accepted blame for her bad decisions and even blamed ME for my father's death in a roundabout way. (the truth was, my father slept around cos she wouldnt divorce her, got Hepatitis and was a heavy drinker and died of liver disease). The regular emotional strain that she lays on me and my fiancee with negative energy from her terse emails, indirect msgs through text msgs from my step dad and now this "diagnosis" of depression.... We have now become so ground down by this we have no choice but to postpone our wedding as it has turned into nothing but stress and anxiety an it is not helping MY recovery from depression... Please help! I want to know how we can passively put some distance between her and us so that our lives are not being overrun with guilt and emotional strain due to her. And also so that we do not appear that we dont care about her and her feelings. I just need help to strike a balance so I can take care of myself aswell as appear that I'm not indifferent to her situation.
Submitted: 5 years ago.
Category: Relationship
Expert:  Cathy replied 5 years ago.

Hi JA customer and thanks for writing.

 

sorry to read your post. The general rule for weddings is he who pays, says.

So you cant have it both ways. Either your parents pay and invite whom they want.

Or they dont pay and you say.

What do you think? Let me know more please.

 

warm regards, Cathy

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