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Suzanne
Suzanne, Therapist, LCSW
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 919
Experience:  Experienced in treating trauma, relationship issues, co-dependency
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What do I do if my narcissist husband tries to come back Is

Customer Question

What do I do if my narcissist husband tries to come back? Is is wise to give them second chances (in this case it would be third)? Matters are complicated when one has children with a narcissist. Perhaps I am fooling myself that he can change. He's talking about 'not knowing his self'.
Submitted: 3 years ago.
Category: Relationship
Expert:  Suzanne replied 3 years ago.

It would help me formulate a more complete answer if you could elaborate a bit on why the two of you have split up so many times. Also it would help to know what changes you want him to make.

 

I look forward to hearing from you and working on this with you,

Suzanne

Customer: replied 3 years ago.
Dear Suzanne, He's never given me a reason for why he's left, other than he's a **** up (his words, not mine) and that he 'can't do relationships'. His father killed himself when he was 13 and he's been saying recently that he's only just realised how much he loved his father. He's also said that he can't do intimacy. I feel that he's taking a lot of stuff out on me at an unconscious level. He doesn't want to get any help himself and has seen me as the problem.
Expert:  Suzanne replied 3 years ago.

With him not wanting to get any help and placing all the blame on you, the outlook is not too hopeful.

 

It is hard enough for a child to lose a parent through divorce or accident, but suicide adds a level of guilt to the equation....did I do something to cause it, did I not show him I loved him enough, could I have prevented him from killing himself,? etc. --mixed up with anger at his father for choosing to leave him. This almost certainly had to have been a traumatic experience, and would quite naturally affect his ability to bond with and trust others. His narcissistic behavior is most likely a defense against the hurt of having his father make the choice to leave him forever.

 

If you want to try to work on the marriage to keep the family together, I would strongly suggest that you work with a supportive therapist to help you set boundaries on his behavior and his blame. Here's a link to help you find someone local. Another way to get that kind of support, if you can't afford a therapist, is to try one of the twelve step programs such as Al-anon or CODA. These are groups for people who have been affected negatively by other's behavior. Both these groups main focus is the setting of boundaries so that your own emotional peace isn't upset by someone else's behavior.

 

You have a hard road ahead, whether you decide to take him back or to try to raise the children on your own. I wish you all the best,

Suzanne

 

 

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