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Suzanne, Therapist, LCSW
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 919
Experience:  Experienced in treating trauma, relationship issues, co-dependency
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I have been dating my girlfriend now for about 6 months. Everything

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I have been dating my girlfriend now for about 6 months. Everything is going fine now, but there was an incident when we first met/started seeing each other that I think about from time to time and still bothers me. We had been seeing each other for about 2-3 weeks, and everything seemed to be going just fine. We met at a bar/restaurant that we both were working at. We had been on one date and had hung out several times. We had fooled around sexually on the first night we hung out and forward. We didn't have sex until the 5th or 6th time we had hung out. I was really starting to like her and it seemed like she liked me a lot. There was always a lot of drinking involved with us, but we did have some sober nights, too. One night we were both at work, and she decided she wanted to go out to the bars after work with some people we work with. She got off work at around 8, and I had to work until about midnight. There was this guy that we work with that is an attractive guy, whom was brought up in a conversation between us, and she told me she thought he was "hot". So when she got off work at 8, she went home to change clothes and came back to work to meet up with the people from work that she was going out to the bars with. This guy whom we had talked about was going out with the group, along with one of my buddies and another girl that we worked with. They all said goodbye to me, and she told me to call her when I got off work to meet up. They all go to a bar that one of my friends owns, so I go there when I get off work. I walk in the bar, and she and this guy, Joe, are at the end of the bar talking and laughing, apparently intoxicated. She notices me walk in and comes up to me a few minutes and talks to me for a few minutes. She then goes back to Joe and is talking/flirting with him. I have a few drinks and she is hanging out occassionally coming up to me, but spending the majority of the time over by him, talking away. Its about time for me to leave, since I had to work early the next morning at my day job. Joe and her decide to go have a cigarette. I walk outside to get in my car, and they are both sitting in his car, talking and smoking. She saw me walking to my car and doesnt say goodbye or anything to me, so I just go home. After they all leave the bar, Joe, her, and my buddy Zach decide to go to Joe's house to drink and hang out. They continue to drink and become pretty intoxicated. She ends up sleeping in Joe's bed that night and has sex with him. The next day I ask her if she slept in the same bed as him and she says yes, but she just passed out/went to sleep. For the next few days, she begins to ignore my calls and messages, or just has an excuse why she can't hang out. Turns out, she is hanging out with Joe, nearly everynight. They are going to the bars together, she is staying at his house, etc. She continues to ignore me and blow me off whenever I ask her whats up. This goes on for about 2 weeks or so. Then, one night I see Joe at the same bar where all of this started, and we talk about the situation. He tells me that he didn't know anything was going on between her and I, which is the truth. He is really a good guy. He also tells me that they had sex 3 times total since they had been hanging out and that they did have sex the initial night at his house. He also tells me that he is starting to talk to his ex girlfriend again, whom he was in love with and that he is done hanging out with my girlfriend (Caroline). Even though I was upset and a little bitter about the situation, I still liked Caroline alot. So I wait about 5 or 6 days and I invite her over to have some beers at my apartment. She gladly accepts and comes over. We begin to become a little bit intoxicated, so I insist that she stay over. I told her she could sleep on the couch if she wanted to, but she chooses to sleep in my bed. We fool around a little bit sexually, but did not have sex. We start to hang out more and more, and we decide that we like each other and maybe we should date. Before I decided to date her, I wanted to get the truth about everything between her and Joe. She tells me that they did have sex on that first night after the bar at his house and also tells me the truth about how many times they had sex and fooled around. The begins to cry and tells me that she should had stuck with me to begin with and the deal with Joe was the biggest mistake of her life. We decide to date and, to this day, we are happy as can be, I just think about this from time to time. I asked her why she did it, and she says she was kind of scared away when I told her about my sexual past, due to how great of a number of women it has been, and that we didnt really know each other that well. She says she has grown up alot since then and that she loves me more than anything. iIs it normal for me to think about this from time to time? whats the best way to deal with it?
Submitted: 5 years ago.
Category: Relationship
Expert:  Walt-mod replied 5 years ago.
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Expert:  Suzanne replied 5 years ago.

Sorry for the delay in getting a response to you.


While it may be only human to sometimes think about that situation, it would be a mistake to put too much emphasis on it. The situation happened after you had a few dates, but it doesn't sound like you had both agreed on a committed relationship.


You also have the reassurance that you know exactly what happened...both parties have acknowledged their behavior. If there was lying involved there would be more reason to be concerned.


I'm sure you would not want your girlfriend to be obsessing over how many women you've been with, since you mentioned in your note you've been with a great number of women. It may also be possible that because it's been easy for you to be with a lot of sexual partners, you think that everyone will be as sexually active as you have.


If this relationship is going to work, you need to focus on the future, not the past. It sounds like limiting alcohol intake would be a good idea too, as drinking clouds judgment.

Suzanne, Therapist, LCSW
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 919
Experience: Experienced in treating trauma, relationship issues, co-dependency
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