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Ask Dr. Shirley Schaye Your Own Question

Dr. Shirley Schaye
Dr. Shirley Schaye, Doctor
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 1673
Experience:  PhD-Psych; Certif. Psychoanalyst NPAP& NYFS; Memb.APsaA;IPA; Pub.Author; Teach/Supervise Therapy
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My boyfriend and I have been going out for over 18 months.

Customer Question

My boyfriend and I have been going out for over 18 months. I moved in 6 months ago. He is 34 and I will be 27 this week. Well are head over heels for each other, but I want more. I am not getting any younger and I would like him to pop the question for Christmas.

He keeps asking me what I want for birthday/Christmas, first I said jewelery, but now he wants to know what type, I have said I can't tell him but it is what every girl want... He doesn't seem to get the hints. so today I have said all I want is him, nothing else.

I know I should wait till he is ready to ask me himself, but he is the type of guy that needs a nudge to get him to do some, even if it is to send an email or to decide on a movie. So how do I get him to pop the question, without scaring him off or pushing him away?
Submitted: 3 years ago.
Category: Relationship
Expert:  Dr. Shirley Schaye replied 3 years ago.

Dr. Shirley Schaye shs300 :

Thank you for contacting Just Answer. The issue, of course, is not the Christmas present. The issue is that the two of you have been together for 18 months and you are ready to move forward in this relationship and would like to get engaged. Also, you mentioned that he's the kind of guy that needs a nudge. So, what do you do? I think you should sit down with him at the opportune time and let him know that you really love him ( which I am sure you must have let him know already) and tell him that you want to know where this relationship is going. You get the drift. Hinting around about a Christmas gift that you want to be an engagement ring is not necessarily going to get you that. So you need to tell him, as I said, that you know that you would like to marry him and want to know what his thinking is about your relationship. If you leave it to the "Christmas gift", you might be very upset ad angry if that's not where he is going. So don't be afraid to ask for what you want. If you are going to be in a marriage with him you can't be afraid to voice what's important to you.

Customer :

Both of us have expressed how we feel towards the other. I have tried to talking to him about the future; his parents and my parents have expressed that they would prefer us not living in sin, so marriage has been brought up indirectly. I am not sure how to phrase the question. My boyfriend is a lawyer and it become difficult to talk to him because he turn on lawyer mode and deflects. Suggestions?

Dr. Shirley Schaye shs300 :

I'm laughing re: lawyer mode.

Dr. Shirley Schaye shs300 :

Frankly, I really think you cannot hint around but say very directly that you have been together for 18 months and you want to know if the two of you are heading towards marriage ---- i.e., nothing indirect. Tell him very directly!

Dr. Shirley Schaye shs300 :

You there?

Customer :

Sorry fell a sleep, I was burning the candle at both ends last night.

Customer :

Direct I think I can do that. Can you be direct with me (woman to woman), Am I crazy to be thinking engagement/marriage after 18 months?

Dr. Shirley Schaye shs300 :

Of course, I can be direct with you. No, you are not crazy to be thinking of engagement after 18 months. If you want me to be direct, I'll even be more direct ( ha, ha ) . You should tell him I'm not so comfortable living together without knowing where this relationship is going. And no, I am not on the same page as your and his parents, meaning not to live in sin. You're normal. You're 29. Of course, you're going to have a sexual relationship with him. So no, not living with him because you don't want to live in sin. No, really!!!!!! Not wanting to live with him because you don't know which direction this relationship is going in. You should say, when I know which direction this relationship is going in, that is, if we will get engaged, then I'll feel much more comfortable living with you. Of course, if you take this approach, you have to be prepared to move out if he does not go that route. Sometimes, as you said, he needs a nudge --- lots of men do. If he feels that you may move out he may rethink what he is doing.

Customer :

Well thank you so much Shirley. My sister told me the same thing, but her relationships always seem to go up in flames, so I was worried about taking her advice. Now I have the confidence. Thank you.

Dr. Shirley Schaye, Doctor
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 1673
Experience: PhD-Psych; Certif. Psychoanalyst NPAP& NYFS; Memb.APsaA;IPA; Pub.Author; Teach/Supervise Therapy
Dr. Shirley Schaye and 4 other Relationship Specialists are ready to help you
Expert:  Dr. Shirley Schaye replied 3 years ago.
You are most welcome! I wish you well!!!!!!!!!!!

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