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Ask Dr. Shirley Schaye Your Own Question

Dr. Shirley Schaye
Dr. Shirley Schaye, Doctor
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 1673
Experience:  PhD-Psych; Certif. Psychoanalyst NPAP& NYFS; Memb.APsaA;IPA; Pub.Author; Teach/Supervise Therapy
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My girlfriend of 2 years broke up with me about 3 weeks ago.

Customer Question

My girlfriend of 2 years broke up with me about 3 weeks ago. We had some arguments here and there, but for the most part it was stable. Her reason was "I can't love you the way you love me, so we need to end it". It wasn't the first time, but we managed to kept going. I was pretty happy for the most part, and she seemed happy too. After one week of break up, I found out she is now dating another guy that she had been texting/chatting on msn for 2 months, when we were still together. I asked her when we were still together if she liked the guy, but she just told me that she doesn't really know him. Of course, I got really pissed off from her lying and called her cheating, and said every single swear word in my vocabulary. But after thinking carefully, I realized she didn't cheat. She left me before going for him. I feel really bad for swearing and accusing her of cheating. Of course, she is probably pissed and blocked all contact with me possible (facebook, msn, twitter etc). I've been trying to move on and it's progressing at a steady pace, but I still have this love for her. I've asked many friends and they all told me that there are better girls out there waiting, and I somewhat agree. But she was just so special to me that I just want to try one more time. But I know my chances are slim because she is now ignoring me and if by chance she'll start talking to me again, maybe a month, couple of months or longer, maybe she'll be over me. Should I try to win her back? is she in a rebound relationship? she has done this many times in the past to her previous ex boyfriends. It is just very hard to believe she just lost all the feelings towards me or maybe she is indeed suffering but I just don't know. Would she forgive me for my swearing? I really love her
Submitted: 3 years ago.
Category: Relationship
Expert:  Dr. Shirley Schaye replied 3 years ago.

Dr. Shirley Schaye :

Thank you for contacting Just Answer. I am sorry to hear about what you are dealing with. Pay attention to what you said --- and I quote " After one week of break up, I found out she is now dating another guy that she had been texting/chatting on msn for 2 months, when we were still together. I asked her when we were still together if she liked the guy, but she just told me that she doesn't really know him." One week after you break up, she's dating another guy --- come on ... ... Sure you got pissed off. Who wouldn't? Whether you apologize or not, is not the issue. She is not trustworthy. Something else for you to consider --- Listen to what you have said. Again, I quote, " she has done this many times in the past to her previous ex boyfriends." So do you think she will behave differently with you? Uh, uh . This is her character. Your friends are absolutely right --- " they all told me that there are better girls out there waiting, and I somewhat agree. "

Dr. Shirley Schaye :

Well the issue now is that you only somewhat agree. I understand that you really love her but you are doomed to be hurt by someone like this. If you can't get over it on your own then you should seek out someone to talk to to help you move beyond her and find someone better than her.

Dr. Shirley Schaye :

If you need help finding someone to talk to, I'd be glad to help you.

Dr. Shirley Schaye :

Where in Canada do you live?

Customer :

I live in Markham, Ontario

Dr. Shirley Schaye :

Would you like me to help you find someone?

Customer :

Well I think I can get through this myself. I've asked this in several relationship sites to get opinions from people other than my friends and they all believe that she is not worth it and I really need to move on. I kind of realize it as well but it is because she was my first love, it is really hard to let go. The thing that is making it really difficult is during my time with her, I didn't really get a chance to know more people so now I don't have that many friends to go to. I am feeling a little better day by day, but jealousy would just suddenly appear out of the blue and I can never stand the fact of her being in bed with another guy

Customer :

I've been known to have a really kind, nice heart so I feel really bad for what I've said to her, even though people say my anger is 100% acceptable

Customer :

even my ex acknowledges this, and also her parents

Dr. Shirley Schaye :

You sound like a really nice guy. It'll take time, of course! But really, don't go back to her, even if she wants to and even when you are still lonely. She will hurt you again. STAY AWAY FROM HER. She is NOT TO BE TRUSTED!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Customer :

yes..I've talked to her previous ex as he is one of my friends as well and he told me the exact same thing! I am trying really hard to forget about her but sometimes this "getting back with her" thought would just appear out of no where in my mind.

Dr. Shirley Schaye :

You bet, you are more than 100% right. Come on, she's texting him while you are together and one week after, she's dating him. Of course, you're angry. At least you're normal. Think of it this way --- there would be something very wrong with you if you weren't angry.

Customer :

It just sometimes feel I won't be able to find another girl I love, even though that is probably not true. It is just really hard to accept that fact right now

Dr. Shirley Schaye :

If you EVER think of going back to her, you should dash off to a therapist's office first!. You would then need to examine why you are so masochistic to put yourself in this position again.

Dr. Shirley Schaye :

If you have no more questions please click on ACCEPT and leave feedback. If you have more questions, don't hesitate to ask.

Customer :

If I'm really finding myself still having difficulties letting her go in 2-4 weeks time, are there anyone close by Markham that I could find and talk to?

Customer :

right now, if I keep myself busy I can keep it off my mind but when I am at home myself, usually at night, the thought of her and good past memories will just come out of no where...and it's kind of difficult to get out of bed in the morning as thats when I realize I miss her the most for the day

Customer :

but anyway, thanks for the advice. i really appreciate it. You were a big help!

Dr. Shirley Schaye, Doctor
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 1673
Experience: PhD-Psych; Certif. Psychoanalyst NPAP& NYFS; Memb.APsaA;IPA; Pub.Author; Teach/Supervise Therapy
Dr. Shirley Schaye and other Relationship Specialists are ready to help you
Expert:  Dr. Shirley Schaye replied 3 years ago.
Hi,
First let me say to you that your responses are normal. How could someone who loves somebody and who has been with them for two years not go through a mourning phase after the loss of that relationship. It would not be normal to not mourn. There would be something wrong with you. Your ex-girlfriend is not normal. She, on the other hand was with you for two years and one week after the breakup she is with someone else --- no mourning --- not normal! You'll see in time the pain will lessen. You will have bouts of depression less often. Give it some time.
I will look up a name of a therapist for you just in case you need one. DON"T GO BACK TO HER!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Expert:  Dr. Shirley Schaye replied 3 years ago.
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