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Cathy
Cathy, Counselor
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 1436
Experience:  Ms, MS.Ed., thirty years clinical practice
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I have a 25 year old daughter who had been dating a young man

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I have a 25 year old daughter who had been dating a young man for about a year when she became preganant with twins,when my daugther was seven months preganant her then boyfriend abandon her he disappeard ,his family did not know his whereabouts then later family found out that he and another woman where living togather,before he left my daugther he was living with his parents and my daugther who had a home she was renting she was living in , then she moved in with me and my mother her grandmother to get back on her feet this was before she became preganant ,this was my daugthers first true love , her soul mate , she was a virgin and after being intimate with her boyfriend she became preganant as you can guess she was devastated,but with support from her family she took care of herself and had healthy twins a boy and a girl who are now sixteen months old.The twins fathers family have been supportive in his absents,in september the family informed my daughter that there son contacted them and ask if he could return home this was after he had been gone for almost a year and a half, they said yes under certain conditions stating he needs to get a job ect.I would like to state that back in june the other lady called my daugther asking questions about the twins stating that he stated he does not have any children,he then later that day he called my daugther after not contacting her for almost a year and a half just trying to show face in fount of his lady who was on the other line he just kept asking my daugther when was the last time was he with my daugther my daugther told him to grow up and start taking care of his children then he hong the phone up on her .Sents he has return home he has stated to his family that he would like to meet his children three weeks ago we all setup a meeting for him to meet his children for the first time it went well ,we did not at this visit talk about why he did what he did.Question how should my daugther go about handling this, what does she say to him ,also how do i help her with this painful situation she wishs so badly for him to step up and be a good father ,but it seems as if he is out of touch with reality he is extremly immature and selfcentered,i think deep down my daugther loves him,but she has been thorough so much,what does he need to do to show that he is willing to do the rigth thing to be a good father to the twins.I would like to say my daugther has filed for child support it is in process.I just wish to have some insight into this kind of situation so i can help my daugther,gandchildern,and myself i have taken this pretty hard she is my only child and her own father has not been in her life sents she was twelve years old just the thought of them not having a loving father is killing me inside ,and the sad thing is the twins father had a father, why he did this i dont get it.And i found out from my daugther that the young lady he was living with is coming around to the parents home where he is living at now.HELP.
Submitted: 4 years ago.
Category: Relationship
Expert:  Cathy replied 4 years ago.

Hi and thanks so much Joe for writing JA

 

I have read your post and am sorry that your family has been through so much. Your question to us, is

 

how should my daughter go about handling this, what does she say to him ,also how do i help her with this painful situation she wishes so badly for him to step up and be a good father

 

It is not exactly clear what you are asking us so if you could be more clear on this? Its clear that he cannot be a husband and father so I know that you are not asking for this. Its clear that your daughter is smart enough not be become involved again with someone so immature and irresponsible and it would seem that all would put the children's interests above all else so are you asking about how to go about getting him to child support?

Just clarify this for us so I know how to best direct you.

Warm wishes Joe.

Cathy

Customer: replied 4 years ago.

I am asking what questions should she ask him when they do talk,and what would he have to do to show that he does wish to be a good father,due to the fact that alot of people have been stating that he is still young like that is what happens with young men regarding father hood.

Expert:  Cathy replied 4 years ago.

Hi Joe, she can ask him any question that she feels comfortable asking him. Its up to her. When i see a person like him and I know he is not up to the task of parenting I know that there are no questions I can ask or statements I can make to change that situation. But certainly if this is for your daughter and her feeling as if she has done all she can in the situation let her make up her own list of questions.

 

I say because it is a losing situation and no matter what she asks of him he is not going to step up and parent but because I understand that you are asking us this because you want her to feel as if she has done all she can. I completely support this. At the same time what is important to her would be different from what might be important to another woman. For example, she might want him to be consistent in visitation and child support while another woman might ask for the children not to be exposed to his other women or drugs or whatever. Another woman might request he attempt to be involved in the childrens education or medical decisions. Since this is an exercise that only benefits your daughters piece of mind let her make up her own questions and be as supportive as you can even if you do not agree with her priorities. What she needs more than ever right now is support from you and the rest of her family but do support her all the way.

 

I am sorry that she got involved with a guy who will never step up and be a dad to her children but I am also very glad that she has a dad like you who set the standard for selfless and compassionate parenthood.

When she falls in love the next time I hope she finds someone a lot more like Dear Old Dad than she did this time.

Warm wishes Joe.

Thanks for being such a good dad to your daughter and her family.

Cathy

 

Customer: replied 4 years ago.
<p>I stated that i am her mother and that my daugther has not had her own father in her life sents she was twelve years old ,i wish she had a father at this time in her life i feel if he had the out come for my daugther regarding this situation would be very diffrent,I would like to know what signs he would have to show that he is willing to be the best father he can be at this point,and have you seen where men like this get it togather and change there lives around for the better,to where they take there familys back.</p>
Expert:  Cathy replied 4 years ago.

Hi and please accept my apologies.

I think the moniker HandsomeJoe threw me off for a bit here.

 

A few things here. First off, whether you are Mom or Dad your insights and ideas are great and indicative of great parenting. I so like your idea of her writing up some questions for the father of her children that I am going to start to use the same exercise with my own clients to help them with closure on difficult situations. I think you parent very well.

 

I cant help, however, from having reread all these posts between you and I as if you are somehow asking me for some sign you might look for that this young man will step up to the plate? And I think his every behavior since before these children were born is such that he will never do that. I cannot even begin to imagine why he would so radically change.

Now, I have only been doing this work for 32 years and only seen a few thousand cases exactly like this so I cannot be 200 per cent sure, but I am fairly sure that he is never going to be a good dad and father no matter what. He abandoned your daughter when she was seven months pregnant and he already has a new woman. I do not know how much more he can do to show her that he is never going to be her partner and is not going to parent these children. I do not know what else he can to do show her this.

I think there are times when we can be hopeful and times when we need to be realistic. This is the time to be realistic. He has never shown any interest in parenting these children and there is nothing to motivate him to do so.

He is limited as a human being because he is not accountable or responsible for his actions and frankly I would think your grandchildren would learn more from another role model rather than their biological father.

Its so easy to make a baby but its so tough to parent and this man was able to make babies but he cannot parent.

Soften the blow for your daughter as best you can. Hope that she can put it all together and move forward with her life. Of the several thousand women I have treated in your daughters very same situation, many of them met men who accepted them and their children and parented those children as if they were their own. I have had many families in my practice over the years where men stepped up to parenting the children of the women they met and loved and have the children to be well cared for, loved and safe.

I think the chances of this man turning around are nil. I would love to be proved wrong but the odds are too stacked against him on this for him to make a compete turn around.

Continue to support and love your daughter as you do.

Thank you for teaching me not to be so quick to gender bend MISS Customer.

You have all my best on a painful and tough post.

Warm regards,

Cathy

Customer: replied 4 years ago.

Cathy why do men abandon preganant woman ,and also why do men abandon their own children .what cauces this typ of behavior.

Expert:  Cathy replied 4 years ago.

Oh Joe, I know the answer to this one but I dont want to tell you. It runs against the grain of everything you stand for and I so admire that.

 

Let me run through my urgent questions on JA and get back to you tomorrow on this as I am only a few minutes away from signing off. I promise I will get back to you first thing when I sign back onto JA tomorrow.

In the interim have a peaceful night and sound sleep. For now just trust that you are doing and have done all you can and I think so much of you for what you have done.

I will be back to work here on JA tomorrow evening.

Take good care Joe.

Cathy

Customer: replied 4 years ago.

I was waiting for my expert to get back to me like she noted she would regarding my last question to my expert on why men leave ect.

Expert:  Cathy replied 4 years ago.

Hi Joe, I did try to find you but was not able to get to all my questions this evening.

 

I think the best way to explain this can be upsetting (or at least it was to me when I first heard the explanation) and that is that men have an easier time impregnating and not nurturing then women do. As it was explained to me by a social anthropologist, men like to spread the seed, as it were. The more women they can impregnate the better the chances of the survival of their tribe.

I suppose that makes sense on an instinctual level as goes the survival of the species but I like to think of humans as living in a more civilized society where men take responsibility for each of their tribe.

Women, on the other hand, do not have that same mindset. We prefer mating for life and that our children are born by the same father.

 

With younger people today you hear a lot about someones "{baby daddy} which is new to the lexicon and addresses the growing number of young people who have chidlren out of wedlock without any intention to formalize the union. In my clinical practice now it is not uncommon for me to see many young women under the age of 25 with several children all of different fathers who do not participate in the children's upbringing in anyway. This is more the rule today than the exception. Twenty five years ago this was unheard of.

I think it is in large part a reflection of the culture in which we now live. It is difficult to not pass judgment but this is the way things are today.

I hope I have helped you understand as delicately as I can that your grandchildrens father is not a likely candidate for fatherhood to these children.

Warm regards, Cathy

Cathy, Counselor
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 1436
Experience: Ms, MS.Ed., thirty years clinical practice
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Cathy
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Ms, MS.Ed., thirty years clinical practice