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Dr. Keane
Dr. Keane, Counselor
Category: Relationship
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Experience:  PHD LPC
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Hello, Can anyone help me to decide what to do regarding

Customer Question

Hello,

Can anyone help me to decide what to do regarding a relationship break-up? I'm a 25-year-old lesbian who broke up with my 41-year-old girlfriend on Tuesday this week. It was her decision, yet she keeps texting and calling and asked me to go on a lunch date on Saturday as 'friends'. I'm hurt and angry but I want her back because I love her. How do I play this? Here's the history...

My girlfriend, aged 41, and myself were together for 5 months. We met because we used to work together but in October this year we both left our jobs to take up posts elsewhere. We began to grow distant soon after. Texts, calls and nights together began to dwindle because she was tired due to the extra commute to her new job. I tried to respect her need for space, and only saw her at weekends to give her the space she needed to ease herself into her new post and deal with the stresses. Not being able to see her every night hurt a little, but not so badly that I outwardly resented her or kicked up a fuss. I just quietly agreed and understood because I knew it was best for her.

There was some passive-aggressive tension going on this past weekend. We had stopped communicating with each other about our feelings and emotions for some time and I thought enough was enough, I needed to start a conversation about how to make things better. I text her and told her I wanted to speak to her. She claimed to be tired and didn't make herself available to speak.

The following night she asked to see me which was unusual as it was a week night. I agreed but suspected she wanted to end it. She did. She told me she was sorry but she couldn't be the girlfriend I needed her to be because of time constraints and stress due to her new job. She had also lied to me about going to visit her mother this weekend when actually she just wanted to be alone but didn't want to hurt me by asking me not to visit. She said she knew I was hurting because she wasn't spending much time with me and that it wasn't fair that a 25-year-old was hanging around waiting for a tired 41-year-old to call. I explained that I didn't mind and I understood her need for time alone and that I hadn't kicked up a fuss about it, so why the issue? I didn't beg her to reconsider, I just pointed out that her reasons for breaking up were based on her interpretation of the situation and not based on my feelings at all.

I was absolutely devastated. I couldn't sleep, eat or stop the rip-roaring pain. I posted a message on Facebook to say I was hurting inside. She kept texting, which I initially ignored, and then began calling me, which I was going to ignore but wound up answering. We talked for 9 hours, cleared the air, were honest with each other, healthily argued a bit, but remained split up. She was angry with me because our ex-colleagues had seen the facebook message and had given her a hard time at work for hurting me (she still works in the same industry and has contact with them by phone). She accused me of using others to retaliate the hurt I was feeling. This wasn't the case, I just wanted some comfort from friends, but I ended up apologising for causing her trouble at work. She told me she still loved and cared for me, still found me attractive, and wanted to continue being intimate with me. Also, did I want to go on a lunch-date this Saturday that we had already arranged before we broke up?

I declined her offer for intimacy and said I'd think about Saturday's date. She retracted her offer of intimacy the next day and agreed it was a bad idea as it would mess with her head. I eventually agreed to go for the lunch-date, but now I'm having second thoughts because it's like I'm giving in to her every whim. To get her back, I need to do the whole reverse-psychology thing and not be at her beckon call. I'm also worried that meeting up too soon after all this hurt will damage my chances of reconciliation or that I will go with expectations that can't be met and be hurt all over again.

I love this woman, I want her back, but I don't want to rush things. I want to play it cool. I'm not texting, calling or hassling her. If anything, it's the other way around. But I don't want to refuse tomorrow's date and risk her feeling hurt or angry with me. It's catch-22....what is the ssnsible thing to do? What is she hoping to gain out of this lunch-date? If I go, do I risk more hurt? If I don't go, do I risk my chance to talk things through and reconcile? Arrgh!!

I would so appreciate some advice to help me make my decision and secure a positive future, preferably a relationship. Massive thanks to anyone who is willing to give me some advice to solve this dilemma.

With kind regards,

Rosina
Submitted: 4 years ago.
Category: Relationship
Expert:  Walt-mod replied 4 years ago.
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Expert:  Dr. Keane replied 4 years ago.
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