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Dr Rossi
Dr Rossi, Licensed Psychotherapist
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 4627
Experience:  Certified Hypnotherapist, Author, 13+years of experience.
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My husband and I have been married a year and 6 months. He

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My husband and I have been married a year and 6 months. He isnt the man I married. Suddenly he is closed down, we dont talk or have any fun times...he stays up til all hours playing games and watching porn. I am hurt and want to talk to him about it but he gets upset. We did finally talk the other night and now things are a little "lighter" but he is still very closed and cold. He no longer kisses me hello...goodbye and never never says he loves me. I can deal I suppose but my question is this...I am 48 and not bad looking and love to "make love"...he only does it now like a job...no feeling...just do the deed and be done..no kissing...no I love you...nothing...So what happened to the "good"? And...why does he watch porn now every day for hours? I just don't get it. Why do I feel threatened by him watching porn? Do I just need to work on myself?

Hi,

 

This is not entirely something that you have to work on alone. He is responsible for his behavior and treatment towards you.

 

Different things could be going on with him leading to his behavior. Some speculations- porn addiction, mid life crisis, depression, he may have had these tendencies in the past but was either hiding it or you were not completely aware the extent to which he's acting out. Regardless of the causes for his behavior, he is responsible and should he agree to work on this issue, he can manage it. The red flag is that he is refusing to work on the issue. Marital therapy as well as working with someone who specializes in porn addiction would be needed. He must be willing to address the issue and to work on improving the relationship. It is unfair for him to expect you to just accept his behavior and deal with it.

 

You can decide to do what works best for you even if it is giving him an ultimatum and doing what is healthy for you. You have to accept that no matter what you do or say, it is his decision to act this way. You are not responsible for that and if he ever eludes to that, he's using a cope out. He also has to respect you when you tell him how his behavior is affecting you. From what you've shared, he is not all too responsive to you.

Customer: replied 6 years ago.
When we talked he said that he is closing me out because of the way in the past that I treated him. We met and married in 19 days. I sold my house, moved to a new area, bought a new home, drove 140 miles every day to work in my old town...I ended up quitting my job...which is now a problem for him...I have a part time job until I can find something permanant...I have been single for 16 years and this is all new to me. He refuses to talk to anyone and says that he doesnt have any problems and he is just trying to decide whether he wants to "work" on this relationship or not...this is his 3rd marriage...When I bring anything up he just gets upset and goes even further within...How do I react to him when he just doesnt want to be available to me at all?
He can say anything to you. It does not have to reflect the truth (only his perception) When he does not want to talk or be available to you, there is not much you can do except decide whether or not you want to go on like that. You could decide to leave (if you have a place to go to, ignore his coldness and let him know you're there to talk if he wants to. ) From what you've shared so far, this is an emotional roller coaster for you and you do not have to settle with this sort of abuse. He does not want to work on the marriage, does not want to take responsibility for his actions, does not want to listen to you, what does he want then? It does not seem that he wants a marriage. Nevertheless, you've got to figure out what is it you want and then go after it. It may include him in the picture or it may not, and you've got to be OK with your decision.
Customer: replied 6 years ago.
He knows I am in a financial bind now...working at pier 1 part time...it was my money from my previous house that bought this house...I have nowhere to go and if I ask him to leave I cannot afford this house payment. I am totally screwed. Can I ask about the porn thing? Why does he need to watch porn. Is "some" porn normal? We watch it together but I don't understand why he likes to sit and look at it alone...what is it in his mind...is it just something to do? Do I have a problem because it bothers me? I guess...botXXXXX XXXXXne on the porn thing is...is some porn normal? And why do I feel threatened by it? I am open to a lot of things and I don't know why this bothers me.
Men are visually stimulated. It is how their brains are biologically wired up. But, that does not mean he has to live with the addiction of porn watching. It does not have anything to do with you causing this behavior. It is an addiction and the brain seeks that sort of stimulation. Watching porn is not abnormal in itself. The frequency/addiction becomes it a a problem for some individuals. That behavior may have caused his break up in his past relationships.
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