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Cathy
Cathy, Counselor
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 1436
Experience:  Ms, MS.Ed., thirty years clinical practice
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Were both in our late 40s. We were both married ~ 20 years.

Resolved Question:

We're both in our late 40's. We were both married ~ 20 years. We're both divorced. We've been seeing each other 6 years. I asked her to marry me two years ago. She said yes, but she hasn't been able to commit to a date. She still can't. She tells me i want to marry you, but I'm not ready to get married yet. I ask why, she says she isn't sure, she doesn't know. She just knows she is not ready to get married - yet. We don't live together. I am ready and I want to get married. I don't get why not and why not now. This is a source of contention for us both. I am disappointed she won't marry me. She feels pressured and that she is disappointing me - which i am.
I love her. I want to marry her. I don't want to walk away but I also don't want to settle for less than I want or think I deserve - to want someone who wants to marry me and is willing and able to do so. Not sure what to do......
Submitted: 3 years ago.
Category: Relationship
Expert:  Cathy replied 3 years ago.

Hi and thank you for writing JA

 

I am not sending this as a response just as an information request so please do not press accept or think of this as a response at all.

 

Can you tell me why it is so imperative that you have to marry now after six years? Is there any valid reason why a date cannot be set two years from now?

Thanks for the additional information.

Warm regards,

Cathy

Customer: replied 3 years ago.


could we wait another two years, ten years, twenty years, sure, but why? why wait? after 6 years we pretty much know all there is. we have seen each other in best/worst.

i love her. i want to marry her.
why not now?
why wouldn't you want to get married and share each day with me?

the real question for me is why don't you want to get married now? why aren't you ready? what is it you fear?
Expert:  Cathy replied 3 years ago.

She is afraid once she marries she will not be as happy as she is right now?

 

You see it is very common indeed that once couples who have been in long term relationships such as you and your fiance that the dynamic changes so drastically once marriage occurs that the relationship disintegrates. I think if she is not ready the question I would have for her would not be why are you not ready? but instead What would it take for you to be ready?

 

I know that it must sound silly to you to read but there is a big difference. I was asking about urgency specifically because I wanted to know if children were planned or if there are health, insurance or financial reasons for you to marry just now? Often that is the case in second marriages after long term courtships.

 

I know many women who would envy her situation. She has a close intimate relationship with a man who loves her and at the same time she is not locked into an agreement that had disappointed and caused her pain in the past.

 

Ultimately you must do what is right for you. If you love her than leave things the way they are. If it is vital that you remarry let her go and find someone who wants what you want? You cannot force her to want what you want and the more you push the more likely she will feel pressured and less likely to want to marry you.

This is such an emotionally charged situation for you (as it would be for ANYONE) that I am not certain you are seeing your options as clearly as you would if you were on the outside looking in.

Let me know what you think?

Warm regards,

Cathy

Customer: replied 3 years ago.
No. Nothing pressing like children, money, etc.
Her youngest daugther graduated HS this summer and is in college. A year ago she told me she wanted to get her graduated then we could marry.
She did tell me a year ago she was fearful of change, that if we married it would be change for the worse. that i would control her. last week she told me she was trying to control change and by not marrying it prevented change.
I do love her, but not sure I can leave things the way they are any longer. I don't want a long term girlfriend. I don't need to get married. I want to get married. I feel like I have found the love of my life. So I want to marry her. And yes she does feel pushed, pressured, etc.
what do you mean: I am not certain you are seeing your options as clearly as you would if you were on the outside looking in.
I see I have two options: I continue to wait or I walk on.
what do you see my options to be?
Expert:  Cathy replied 3 years ago.

I see.

 

Your options are indeed to walk away or to stay and accept things as they are. I think your decision is very personal and one only you can make. I also think your fiance is frightened and feeling pressured. Is there a way you can find to ask her how to help her feel less pressured?

 

Its up to you. Either way I wish you only the very best on this. Please drop me a note and let me know how things turn out for you.

Best wishes, Cathy

Cathy, Counselor
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 1436
Experience: Ms, MS.Ed., thirty years clinical practice
Cathy and other Relationship Specialists are ready to help you
Customer: replied 3 years ago.
really not very helpful.
obviously my decision is a personal one that only i can make.

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