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Dr Rossi
Dr Rossi, Licensed Psychotherapist
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 4627
Experience:  Certified Hypnotherapist, Author, 13+years of experience.
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I was separated last year and entered an eight month realtionship

Customer Question

I was separated last year and entered an eight month realtionship with a woman who I had an instant connection when we first met. After eight months she broke off the relationship as both her daughters moved onto to college so after 15 years of raising them she wanted to just be on her own. She said she just needed some time to herself.

We recently hooked up again after a two month hiatus. The connection on my part was still there and she actually initiated the kiss(more than a peck) good night. We were to hook up Friday but she canceled due to her forgeting she was already booked. She promised to make it up to me and that we would have a great evening together.

Last night she was to meet up with me after a function she had. She called last minute saying she was having fun and that she could not meet. She is coming to see me this afternoon.

I am very confused as I seem to get mixed messages. On the one hand she seemed very receptive to seeing each other and then on the other she cancels on me. Intellectually I know I am a fool for trying to get back together with her; yet on the other hand my emotions take over. All it is doing is giving me anxiety.

Advice?
Submitted: 6 years ago.
Category: Relationship
Expert:  Dr Rossi replied 6 years ago.

Hi,

 

You're not acting like a fool. You gave her space, you're talking to her now and she stills seems flaky as to what she wants from you. For the time being, take it slow. If possible, try to solicit from her what is it that she expects from a relationship both short and long term. Saying that she needs space for herself is not very indicative of what she wants. Is she needing the time to figure out if she wants a long term serious relationship, does she want to date but nothing serious, etc.

 

Try to find out if your goals are congruent with hers. After 8 months of mutually invested time. It would be fair that you ask her to be open with you. Saying things like "need time.." seem like an excuse. Even if she is dating you, she does not have to avoid you for 2 months to figure what she wants or to take care of her needs. That almost implies that you're somehow interfering in her life.

 

At the moment, follow her lead. If she cancels on you, do not personalize it. Try to remain objective and let her know what you're seeking in a relationship/partner. If you feel compatible with her, let her know, talk about the time you've invested already and be flexible in case you've got to move on. Her becoming an empty nester does not have to mean she wants to remain single.