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Cathy
Cathy, Counselor
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 1436
Experience:  Ms, MS.Ed., thirty years clinical practice
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About two months ago my wife got up in the morning, was a bit

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About two months ago my wife got up in the morning, was a bit teary eyed and said she had not slept well. Of course I asked what was wrong and she said "I don't think I love you as much anymore and I don't know how to get it back". Upon further prompting by myself she said over the past year she started to not feel the same way about me. We have been married for 13 years and they have been very happy times for the most part. I am 41 and she is 42. No children. Of course I had sensed things were not 100%.

As depression was a factor in what she told me I said she should see her family doctor to discuss this. She saw her and had a counselling session about depression. A session was then booked with a social worker whom she saw last week. When I asked how it went her voice tightened a bit and she said "okay" but did not elaborate. I let a few days go by and asked her if anything had changed in her feelings towards me and her response was "no". She again then got teary eyed and I had to try & extract some more information from her.

One of the main issues that I have with her is that my health has deteriorated over the past couple years: chronic fatigue which brought on depression and lately and issue with weakness in my legs which I am awaiting testing on. I try not to let it interfere with our relationship. In the past she has mentioned that she wanted to get out and do more things and I have made an effort about that and she readily agrees on that front. She is also in agreement that she has not been there for me through this illness - no nuturing. She is generally a happy person and a lot of people like her. No chance of her having an affair. Our sexual relationship has been fine but of course there is a sense of her just going through the motions. This may also be caused by her age.

My question: is there a chance of us staying together if she agrees to counselling? We are extremely civil to each other and there is no fighting; basically the magic has left the relationship for her. I have never forgot a birthday or anniversary and have always tried hard to make things 'fun' as I know marriages can fall apart and become boring if you let them and this also is something that she readily acknowledges. Not having children may be causing some resentment as well but she knew that soon after meeting me that children were not a priority.

Your thoughts please.
Submitted: 3 years ago.
Category: Relationship
Expert:  Cathy replied 3 years ago.

Hi and thanks for writing JA

 

I think your question is: is there a chance of us going forward with our relationship if we get counseling and of course there is. Having said that, you say your wife only saw a counselor for herself last week? I know you are very anxious and worried but since your wife only saw a professional counselor one week ago, you have lots of time to go before you know what the outcome might be.

 

I know you must be so hurting on this but if your wife has only had one single therapy session there is no way to tell what is going to happen in the future.

 

The other thing, of course, is that all long term relationships change with time. All of us experience ebbs and flows in long term relationships that take some work on both parts. You have not mentioned major issues such as sexual or financial problems or abuse. I have to believe that you have every reason to be hopeful on this but after one week? No reason to panic just yet. Its so early in the therapy stage to begin worrying. Six months yes, one week no.

Let me know what else is on your mind so I can help you to feel better about this?

Warm regards,

Cathy

Cathy, Counselor
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 1436
Experience: Ms, MS.Ed., thirty years clinical practice
Cathy and other Relationship Specialists are ready to help you
Customer: replied 3 years ago.

Hi Cathy,

 

No, everything is fine sexually, financially and there have been no issues with abuse. However, for the past several months my wife has taXXXXX XXXXXttle verbal 'shots' at me. About a month ago I broke down and cried my eyes out to her as she was not providing the support that I need to get through/copy with my illness. Last night I said to her that we have been getting along fine and her reply was "as friends, yes". Another example that I can provide is in the spring I framed a special picture of her performing live in a music band and her response was lukewarm to say the least. Someone she works with even gave her heck for the response. This woman used to adore me. Keep in mind I had to push her to attend the therapy with her doctor and she doesn't meet with the therapist again until early December. Could this be some sort of middle aged crisis? Your thoughts please.

Expert:  Cathy replied 3 years ago.

Yes of course it could be, but its impossible to say without knowing her and seeing her for a face to face evaluation.

This about face on her part is disturbing and there is no way any of us from here can diagnose her or say what might be happening, but I will tell you this.......the more upset and disturbed you are by her changes in behavior the worse it will be for you. I think the more that you react to her the worse it will be.

 

I want to be very very clear with you on this so the first thing I would say is yes, I completely understand why you are so worried. That said the last thing I would do is let her know how distraught you are by her behavior. I say this especially if she has suddenly felt herself "trapped" in her marriage to you. If you behave as if you are very distraught you will come across as needy and dependent, so the reason I am advising as I am, is that if in the event she is feeling trapped (for reasons at this juncture we cannot know) I want you to have some leverage later on and to do that, you must seem concerned but not overly so.

Does this make sense to you>

The other thing of course is that it is going to take her weeks if not months in counseling to figure this out so early expectations of a resolution on this will only disappoint you. Can you arrange to also see your own therapist during this time? I would want you to have sometime to talk to, to express your fears and frustrations to who is caring and compassionate toward you>

Is this possible?

Let me know.

Thanks

Cathy

Expert:  Cathy replied 3 years ago.
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