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Dr. Keane
Dr. Keane, Counselor
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 1702
Experience:  PHD LPC
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Hello. I have a relationship question that is causing me -

Resolved Question:

Hello. I have a relationship question that is causing me - for some reason - alot of stress. I have been involved with a man for the past year and a half. He as lied about his past, his education, his family, even his job. during the course of the year, he has "disappeared" and
"reappeared" numerous time with little or no explanation other than to say that he didn't
want to burden me with his problems. He was convicted of a DUI, assaulted his mother and was put on a probation for 2 years. Whenever he was in trouble, he came to me always stating he wanted to work things out. Once his problems were seemingly resolved, he wasn't the "attentive" boyfriend he claimed he wanted to be. Anyway, he has been saying that he wants to try again and I have naturally been skeptical. the final straw was when he claimed he was going to find a job and did not come home until the next day. Anyway, once again he claim he wants to work things out and now I find out he has contacted an ex girlfriend from his past. I have had numerous people tell me that he is using me (I have let him live with me, given him money and paid legal bills for him). Whenever I confront him about anything he says that I am crazy, he doesn't know what I'm talking about, he hasn't done anything I have confronted him about, OR, my favorite line is that I am living in the past. I can honestly say this is the first person I have had a relationship with that has treated me this way. I know he has a problem with anger, and prescription drugs. Is it in my best interest (physically and mentally) to just finally cut all ties. I know you do not have the whole story, but I feel as though I am starting to suffer anxiety attacks. This is not a normal relationship - at least nothing I have experienced before. His own mother and father have said to stay away from him (they even have a protective order to keep him away). Please, for my sanity what is the best course of action for me? Is he mentally ill or just plain mean? I know he has visited doctor - but only to receive prescriptions. Drugs are also a factor - at least marijuana for sure. any advice is greatly appreciated.
Submitted: 3 years ago.
Category: Relationship
Expert:  Dr. Keane replied 3 years ago.

Dr. Keane :

Hi, I can help you today

Dr. Keane :

Based on your post you would be best served to sever any and all ties to this man. If he lies he is not trustworthy, if he has assaulted his own mother you can bet he wouldn't think twice about assaulting someone else if he is under the influence of drugs. He is not capable of having an honest relationship. You are not crazy, from your post he sounds dangerous and mentally unstable. I would suggest you be very careful about any involvement with him either now or in the future. You certainly deserve much better in life. Your anxiety is telling you something is wrong, don't buy into anything he tells you about how he wants it to work, He is using you, a drug addict will say or do anything to get what they want. I hope this helps. Please click accept and leave feedback.

Customer:

thank you for your answer. I guess I've known all along that I should not be in contact with this person. I honestly believed he wanted to change, especially after having faced possible jail time for the assault. I know now that his behavior was all an act. He is now 40 years old and I have been told he has been this way since he was a teenager. Is there any way he could possibly change or is this behavior his "norm?" He is very secretive but claims he loves me, which I find ridiculous. He claims he is alone, yet always manages to have a place to live, etc. It's bizarre to say the least. I was thinking if I could be there for him, he may actually change but it appears the consensus from everyone I've talked to is no won't change. Are there any event that could triggr a change in him at this point? Any advice as to how I can sever ties without feeling guilty. I ask that because he has made me feel as if I have abandoned him at times.

Dr. Keane :

I wish I could give you a concrete definitive answer, unfortunately there is no way to predict that possibility. If his history is any indication of his future behavior (and at his age it may be difficult for him to have any effective change) it is his "norm". You can sever ties by just doing so and realizing that he ability to make you feel guilty is part of his deception, it's a way he uses people to manipulate. It is kind and loving of you to want to help him however he has shown through his previous behavior and disappearances that he is only interested in what he can "get" for himself and uses whatever it takes to procure it. I'm sorry I don't have a better more positive answer than your have already heard from your friends. You deserve more from life than a relationship with someone who takes advantage of you.

Dr. Keane :

Please click accept and leave feedback so I get credit for my answer.

Dr. Keane, Counselor
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 1702
Experience: PHD LPC
Dr. Keane and other Relationship Specialists are ready to help you

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