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Angela
Angela, Counselor
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 681
Experience:  n/a
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Ill be divorced from my wife of 26 years tomorrow after a

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I'll be divorced from my wife of 26 years tomorrow after a two year ongoing debacle... My wife has serious health issues and is confined to a wheelchair or walker. She's only 49 years old but is convinced that I filed only because she could no longer work... That is not the case at all. I began thinking of filing for divorce in 1995 and actually spoke to an attorney about it. Now she is trying to convince me that I need to remain friends with her and come to see her and even help her with her horses at the property that we own. I honestly believe she has mental issues as well but could never tell her that. Because of her ongoing calls to me begging me to help her and other things, I suffer from a huge amount of guilt for leaving her. The main reasons I left were a total lack of intimacy that lasted for periods of over a year at times..! We grew apart and she loved her Horses, Dogs & Cats more than she loved me. It was as if we were brother & sister. We ate our meals together, we lived in the same home but never made love or had any other form of intimacy at all. How can I begin to heal my disabling amount of guilt and begin my new life?
Submitted: 3 years ago.
Category: Relationship
Expert:  Angela replied 3 years ago.
Hello my name is Angela.
I am more than happy to assist you with your questions by giving you my honest and respectful opinion.

First, I understand you continue to accept her phone calls, therefore, if you choose to continue to do this, (as you know) it will only continue to feed your guilt. You could consider giving her an ultimatum in order for you to continue accepting her phone calls (-assuming you want to continue to accept her phone calls); the ultimatum would involve her going to see a therapist in order to get help with this major transition she is experiencing. If she does agree to do this, then you could continue to accept her phone calls and if she does not agree to this, you could explain to her that you will no longer accept her phone calls. However, if you choose not to discuss the above with her, then from what you have shared, it would be better for you to no longer accept her phone calls and as you do the following suggestions below, they will help you to move beyond feeling guilty.

Healing from guilt takes time and there are no quick fixes, however, the below steps will help you to heal and move beyond the guilt:

1. Get a positive support system in place for yourself which includes loved ones and friends you can trust and share this experience with and who will also help you through it in a loving and non-judgmental manner. Also, consider attending a local support group to help you through this difficult time.

2. You are dealing with various normal emotions due to being separated from someone you were once so close to before the two of you grew apart, therefore, if possible, I recommend going to see a therapist, counselor, etc., in person on a weekly basis to help you deal with this (-especially your guilt along with any hurt, depression, confusion, frustration, anger, etc. that you may naturally feel). If you are religious, your place of worship may have free counseling available (-many churches have free counseling).

3. Write down how you feel in a journal. Then close out each writing session by meditating: close your eyes, breathe in deeply and exhale. At the same time think of something peaceful. For example: a bright blue ocean with deep rich blue waves gently whispering against the beach. Meditating will help you through this difficult time and it will also help you to heal from your guilt. Also writing down you feelings in a journal is therapeutic because it allows you to get your emotions out and onto paper thereby providing a release for you.

4. Lastly, a few books I recommended to my clients dealing with the same situation, which they found helpful, can be found by below:

Book 1.
Book 2.

Book 3.

Book4


Be sure to write in your journal the different emotions and memories you have as you read through the book in order to continue the therapeutic process to help you heal and move on. I know it doesn't seem like it now, but slowly and surely you will be able to overcome this.

Angela, Counselor
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 681
Experience: n/a
Angela and 2 other Relationship Specialists are ready to help you

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