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Kristin
Kristin, Counselor
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 453
Experience:  Psychotherapist and Relationships Expert with 11+ years exp. Dating, Relationships, Marriage.
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I need help. I have just discovered my partner has been cheating

Customer Question

I need help. I have just discovered my partner has been cheating for two of the three and half years we have been together. At first when I found out a few months ago he admitted to some of what he did but implied it was mostly a fetish that was unmet, a fantasy. I have insisted he give me access to his computer, email and phone as prior he was hiding these things from me, and he has done that. However I keep finding many, many women that he has listed on his 'hotlists', it kind of changes the game. He tells me he wants to be with me and for us to have a happy life together but we have deteriorated to fighting badly every day and I still feel he is not being completely honest with me so it is hard to move forward. He tells me he will undergo counselling, I dont know what to do as it is hard to talk with him about this without fighting and deep down I dont want to leave. I just dont know how to stay. Friends tell me to put the past behimd me but I am just not there yet as I have too many unanswered questions. He withheld sex throughout that times but swears he did not cross the line apart from meeting one person for coffee. The problem is that that is the only one person I can prove and that is whats bugging me. Please help
Submitted: 3 years ago.
Category: Relationship
Expert:  Kristin replied 3 years ago.

Hello and thank you for your question.

 

There are still too many unanswered questions for you to have clarity on this situation. And though he claims he only met one person for coffee, he has still betrayed your trust by his activities. And it's possible that he is not being honest as well about not seeing more women, etc. The fact is that he has broken your trust. I disagree with your friends who tell you to put the past behind you. That is not addressing the situation and this is indeed a situation that is quite present, and needs to not just be overlooked. If you do just put it behind you then it is quite likely to continue. So, what needs to happen as you say that you really don't want to leave him, is that you both need to get counseling together. This way the therapist can help him be honest about everything and you can get the answers and clarity you need. The therapist can also address why he did these behaviors, and how likely he is to repeat such. He will need some additional counseling as well (on his own perhaps) and you can have your couple counselor determine that as needed. But for now you both should go together. Even though you can only prove that there was just one person at this point, you still have plenty of evidence that he was betraying your trust with all of his online activities etc. And that is enough to warrant the counseling. The rest can come to light once you start counseling. It is a must at this point. Call your doctor and ask for a referral to a good relationships counselor in your area. It's good that your boyfriend is willing to get some counseling, and you two can begin right away. Please click ACCEPT, otherwise I'm not paid for my assistance. Or ask for more info. Thank you.

Expert:  Kristin replied 3 years ago.
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