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Lori Gephart
Lori Gephart, Licensed Psychologist
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 259
Experience:  Psychologist, Hypnotherapist & Divorce Coach providing marital therapy for over 20 years.
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I feel insure bc of what my ex boyfriend did to me not with

Customer Question

I feel insure bc of what my ex boyfriend did to me not with my current one.

The 2nd one ended up going toward another woman bc she was willing to give him money and I wasn't bc I didn't want to be used. At the end, he told me to do something or he would turn to her and I told him to do it bc I wasn't going to be used like that. Never talked to him since.

My current boyfriend doesn't like that I've compared his situation to my ex bc he says he is not like that. But they all say that. He says he would never do that to me bc he loves me and my ex obviously didn't. But, i don't trust other woman bc this last guy said that that he couldn't stand this woman he ended up with bc she tried to break us off. He said she couldn't but she did at the end.

I'm glad that the relationships ended but I'm afraid if I don't give my current boyfriend everything he wants that he will turn to another woman bc he is out of the country right now. He has told me twice of one man setting him up to cheat on him by inviting to him to his family party that ended up having woman coming on to him even after he told them he was married w 2 children with me. We r not married w children but he told this to leave him alone. Then he got rid of that guy. Now his lawyers wife is coming on to him. All these woman wanted him to cheat on me by having sex with them. He said he won't cheat on me ever.

My pt is men can always trust me and they know this but I don't feel that way w men or anyone in fact.

I love this boyfriend greatly. He needs me too which I like. He has no family members just me who has tons of family members.
Submitted: 4 years ago.
Category: Relationship
Expert:  Lori Gephart replied 4 years ago.

Thank you for contacting JustAnswer.

 

I am sorry to hear about the problems you are experiencing in your relationship. Keep in mind that trust can be lost quickly but takes time to earn back. If your current boyfriend has done something to lose your trust then it makes sense to be very careful about whether to trust him. However, it sounds as if this man has done nothing to lose your trust, but that you are perhaps assuming that men in general cannot be trusted due to your past relationships with men. You may want to ask yourself if you would feel it was fair for someone to judge you by what their last girlfriend did.

 

Remember that someone who is trustworthy will do what they say; their actions will match their words on a consistent basis. Looking at his actions over a period of time is what should tell you whether you can trust him or not. Love and respect are verbs. Simply telling someone you love them is not love; it requires acting in a consistently loving way. You may want to ask yourself whether he has been showing you these things. I hope this answer is helpful. Please let me know if I can clarify further.

 

Customer: replied 4 years ago.

My current boyfriend hasn't done anything like cheating or asking for this attention. I'm aware I shouldn't judge him for what my ex had done to me or any other relationship. But I can't help but think ab it anyways. When I told him my true feelings after the 2nd episode, he reassured me that he won't do that to me and that he told these woman he was married w 2 children.

 

My ex boyfriend has the same situation and would call this one woman a devil that he hated bc she tried to break us up even after he sent her an email ab his devotion towards me. At the end, he went to this manipulated and low morals/values woman. So my current bf situation reminded me of the same thing. But, it was my fault bc when I was getting to know him he received an email from this woman. He had forwarded me her message bc he thought it was interesting. I had contacted her after that asking about his character and such. She told me she sends him messages but he has never responded to her after 1 year. So, after she knew we were together, she kept on sending him messages in which he finally returned with negative messages. The difference here compared to my current boyfriend, is that my ex felt bad bc this woman putting guilt on him that he was pressured to give his phone #. So that was a bad sign there and I knew it too. My current boyfriend doesn't do this.

 

This is what I fear that he will turn to some other woman bc he is in another country right now alone w just his male lawyer and wife who has come on to him. I know I can't control what he is doing there and just have faith he is doing the right thing towards our relationship. But, its still in the back of my mind. But now, I feel if he doesn't get his way with me all the time that he will turn to a woman who will. u understand my fears now?

 

His reassurance is a good sign but I'm still eerie. Don't want to go through this again like I did with my ex. See my point! But I don't want to sabotage this relationship either with my insecurities of unfaithfulness either.

 

Expert:  Lori Gephart replied 4 years ago.
Thank you for the additional information. It is certainly understandable that past issues can create trust problems in current relationships. Perhaps you can look at this situation as a time to refocus on yourself and beginning to heal from your past issues while there is some physical distance in your current relationship. You could use this time to do some journaling and letter writing (letters that you shred but do not send) to and about your ex and your experiences with him that will help you to heal. You could also consider some individual therapy to work through some of these hurts. It is important for you to recognize that if you have to do everything someone wants you to do in order for them not to cheat on you then this is not a good relationship. The best test would be for you to be yourself and recognize that that should be good enough. Unfortunately there are no guarantees in relationships, whether they are close to home or far away. Taking things slowly in the relationship will help to buy you time to see what he chooses to do. Each time you have doubts you might want to write these down and then respond to them as if you were responding t a friend who was having a similar situation. It may give you some clarity about whether your fears are "what ifs" or whether they are a reality in this situation. Please let me know if I can clarify further.
Customer: replied 4 years ago.
The writing a letter & journaling is a good idea. I haven't done that in a long time. the distance btw us is what makes me more insecure though.

I've been through years of therapy already. My therapist even tells me I don't need her any longer. I need to work on this myself. Its not like its on my mind 24/7 or affecting my day to day life. Its just in my mind bc of what my ex did. The distance is what is getting to me bc I have no clue what he is doing. I can tell when we chat on the phone he is always alone etc. He has never given me any reason to doubt him.

It's not him that demands me to do everything for him or he wont cheat. This is in my mind not anything to do with this current relationship. I'm aware of he was like this it won't be a good relationship. I know this. He accepts me for me. We both realize we r not both perfect. I'm 41 and he is 50. I think we r old enough to know this.

The no guarantees in relationships is where I know this but worries me.

Writing my doubts is a great idea. Its reality that my ex did it but not my current relationship. I always say u shouldn't take out your issues on the other person. But, the woman coming onto him is what brought these insecurities into place. He tells me the situation etc. I know its positive that he told me about it and not hidden it. But my ex did the same thing too. But my ex would buy into this woman making him guilty for not contacting her and my current one doesn't do that.

When he told me the lawyers wife came onto him, my heart sank and reminded me of my ex except my current one is not feeling guilty or buying into this womans manipulation like my ex. I did tell my current one that all this reminds me of my ex. He reassured me that he is not him but at the same time expressed to me that he doesn't like to be compared to him.

This has helped me write this down to u. I can't judge my current boyfriend who is not anything like my ex. He doesnt like the attention while my ex did.

With this man, I believe my fears are what ifs. What do u think about him dealing me about these woman going after him and him telling them that im his wife and we have 2 kid with them?
Expert:  Lori Gephart replied 4 years ago.
I'm glad t hear that the writing has been helpful to you and I would suggest that you use writing on a regular basis to help with reminding yourself to be reasonable and rational about the present situation rather than letting your past cloud your judgment. It sounds to me that he is giving very strong messages to these women that he is not available and that he is being open with you about what is going on. I wish you the best with this. Please press Accept if I have been helpful.
Lori Gephart, Licensed Psychologist
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 259
Experience: Psychologist, Hypnotherapist & Divorce Coach providing marital therapy for over 20 years.
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Lori Gephart
Lori Gephart
Counselor
259 Satisfied Customers
Psychologist, Hypnotherapist & Divorce Coach providing marital therapy for over 20 years.